I looked up to you I looked up to you. You were everything I wanted to be: determined, powerful, strong, hardworking: where did that go? We live in completely different worlds, I live in a world where I have family to support me, a good education, friends who look out for me: you live in a world of hatred and anger, you live in a world where you don't care about anyone but yourself and you made me believe you cared about me. How could I have been so stupid? How could I? Yes you are my older cousin who I will always love, you taught me how to live, you taught me how to stand up for what I believe in ( I guess that's why I'm so opinionated now), you made me trust someone. You. You lived in Moldova, Russia with most of my mums family, you always told me how much you hated it there, however I loved it there, I loved seeing you help your disabled mum who couldn't walk, I loved it when you took me around to parks and we were running across 5 story buildings. It gave my #life excited and adventure. You always said I was your sister and you were my brother no matter what. So why did you leave? I knew you had problems with nan and your mum, they were always telling my mum how you had been asking for money and never paying them back. I was always on your side. No matter what anybody said, I was always on your side. You were my brother and I wouldn't let anybody convince me otherwise. Where were you this year? I only get to come up to Moldova one a year in the summer, you promised me no matter what you would always be there, but you weren't. So where we're you? I messaged you on Facebook and you told me you had moved out to live with your girlfriend. You abandoned the people who love and needed you most. You wanted to meet up with me, you didn't want me to tell my mum. That's not how things work with me. I tell my mum everything and everything I what I told her. I told her we were talking, I told her you wanted to meet me. When we met, we went to play pool just like we used to, then we got ice-cream. remember that time when we had 11 ice-creams, I do. Then you told me I had to go home. I didn't want to leave, I didn't want to go back to the reality of you not being around. So you dropped me off home and you left. I went in said I was home and went out to the park to see my friends. Well that's what I told the family, Actually I ran to the bench down the road where we sat and I cried, I cried and hoped you would come back.You didn't. All my friends were asking me what was wrong as they saw me run off, I said nothing wiped my face and got up. You don't even answer my messages anymore. What am I supposed to do? You are my hero, my love, my brother. I still look up to you, I just hope soon you will remember me and remember the times we had together, the time uou said we were together for ever.

I was your little princess All I ever wanted was your approval. That's all I ever wanted. Now 6 years after you left I am still here picturing that day over and over again. Sitting here crying waiting, praying you will come home and say you love me. it's natural, divorce, but what you did to me was much worse. You broke a littles girls heart. You took it and killed it. Did you care then, I don't know. Do you care now, that's all I can hope for: that there is a slight chance that you might hear my name and think about me. I hate myself so much for trying so hard just for you to recognise me. I waisted years just for you to say you were proud of me. Your my dad and the only thing I can think about was the day where I was waiting, waiting for you to show up at my house to pick me up. An hour, that's how long I waited then mum gets a text. "I can't make it" that was the last time I ever heard from you. How can you do that to an 8 year old girl? how can you tell her you love her and that she is your little princess then abandon her leaving her crying in her room in the dark, hoping you will come back, when you never will. I still wait now, 6 years later, wait for you to come home and tell me just one more time that I'm your princess. I don't know where in the world you are, but I want you to know that you mean everything to me even after everything that you have done and all the fights I had to over hear from my bed room; after all the nights I cried myself to sleep wishing you would come home; after you promised you would never leave me; after you told me I was your princess and you would do anything for me; after you kissed me on the forehead before dropping me off home; after the amount of times you left me waiting for nothing, I still love you. You me me grow up. You missed me finishing primary school, you missed my first boyfriend, my first kiss, my first date, broken friendships, knew friendships, you missed me mature into someone you could never live up to. You missed me finally realise that your not coming back. Not because you can't, because you don't want to. The day when I was six and I asked you why you weren't happy and you replied you will find out later, to find out you were leaving was the worst day of my #life. I hope you know I hated my mum for that, I hated her for kicking my daddy out. I realised it was for the best, when I remembered you not noticing me, asking me how my day was, talking to me, all you noticed was the computer screen, whilst I was learning my times tables with mum and achieving my piano award, where were you? You make me so angry that when I think about you all I can think are horrible thoughts of how you left me, well now I can tell you something, that was the biggest mistake of your #life and I hope your happy where ever you are. I know that one day in the future you will remember me and think about the shit you caused my family. The worst thing about you, is that no matter what you have done I will always love you. I was your little princess.

yay 15 today

never let someone near your heart unless they are fucking special. one minute you will be saying I love you next minute he/she is of snogging some other disrespectful cow

I miss you a little too much, a little to often, and a little more every day.