Bringing You Back To Me. I've had plenty of time to reflect today and the truth is I need you. I desperately need you. These blackouts have returned, these horrible lapses are here and once again they are too regular for my conscious mind to handle. The blade is sharper, the cuts are deeper and the number has duplicated. I really need to talk with you, you need to help me understand why my subconscious mind is running wild once again. I want to show you the marks, I need to show you the marks because I need you to know I'm struggling and I most certainly am not coping. I can't believe I'm thinking this but I'm even considering showing someone else first just so the concern for my welfare is greater and the need for you is clearer. I'm scared. I'm really scared. I'm scared of what my subconscious mind is making me do and what plans it has lying around for the future ahead. I want to get better, I hate feeling so down and depressed, feeling so helpless and hopeless to the world. I wish I could express my emotions clearly to people instead of putting on a brave front because that way I would of got help a long time ago but it's hard and only you understand. I'm going to bring you back to me, back in my #life, back in my thoughts, back in my sight.

Exams Are Coming. Stress is building as the dates draw closer, loosing hope and confidence when I'm not supposed to. Why is our #life dependant on a few pieces of paper? All this revision is definitely a breaker. A breaker of confidence and peace that is simply created by an element without cease. I wish there wasn't so much pressure as right now I feel like giving you a simple gesture, a gesture that has so much meaning behind and let's just clarify, it's not something kind. I'm really burning up now the more the thoughts emerge, the anger building up will most likely come as one big surge. This surge will not benefit neither me or you but what more do you want I'm working as hard as I can, that statement is true. Believe what you will but I know I'm trying, trying my hardest to keep all these facts from dying.

I Bid Farewell To You Now. You said you would be right there if I ever needed you, you promised. I understand the times when you were preoccupied and uninterested when I just needed to smile but when I came to you with tears streaming down my cheeks, when I truly needed you, you just shoved me off like a piece of dirt and you just don't understand how things have changed between us now. I still see you down the corridor and give you a sympathetic hug and tell you I'm okay but the thing is I'm not okay and you're not picking that up anymore, you're too distant. I feel worse than ever because you're not there anymore, not like you used to be. Things are going to change, I'm going to change just like you changed and I don't know how I will ever cope without you but I'm letting you go and you will know about it. I don't want to hurt you but you hurt me and I can't cope with that. You were the only person who ever understood me, who truly cared for me, who was always there for me but I guess I was wrong, you're not so perfect in my eyes anymore. I guess I'm just going to have to go back to how I used to be, keeping everything bottled up inside. Many people see me as an adult and as mature but the truth is, I'm still a kid inside and I need you, truly need you. In 2 months time I leave and move on with my #life and I know you will say to me 'keep in contact. Come and visit' but I know you won't mean that and once I'm gone, I'm gone and I won't look back. If you read this which I'm sure you won't but if you do you know who you are and I want you to know that I am forgetting about you and the memories we shared because at the end of the day the more I care when you don't the worse I will feel. This is my last goodbye to you as I depart your #life completely, you broke that promise and now I must leave. Goodbye.

My Definition Of The Word Slice. Slice - simply a word that many of you will associate with joints of meat or other foods but not me, slice is a word that I associate with myself, my body, my arms. It's so strange when I think about it like this, I relate the meaning of a simple word to something so deep and terrifying to many but to me it's natural, it's a relief, it's an addiction, it's me. I know there is nothing to be proud of about it but it's my coping mechanism and it proves I'm still fighting with myself to stay in this #lifetime, it proves that I haven't yet given up. I get judged by numerous people about the actions I take, 'attention seeking' is one phrase that gets thrown around a lot but for those of you out there that can relate to what I'm saying will understand. There are only two specific people that I would like to notice my marks yet haven't and that's because I keep them hidden from everyone else because I'm not proud, yes I bet many of you are thinking right now that I am attention seeking, my response is yes, yes I am, I'm seeking the attention of two people, two people I know that care for me, two people that want the best for me, two people I know will help me; so yes I am attention seeking but I'm not seeking attention for the wrong, I'm pleading for these two specific people to help me through my difficult times but I'm seeking their attention mentally and not physically by constantly hiding my marks. The thing I must say right now is that my intentions for my reoccurring actions isn't for the attention I mentioned, in fact that phrase doesn't even cross my mind whilst carrying them out. This may sound rather childish in some ways but do you want to know the truth behind why i create these marks? Well here it is... On random occasions I get this feeling, this thought, that I'm changing and for a moment I do. It's like my head is filled with demons that are constantly contradicting everything I feel, think and do. It's so hard to explain but they are like momentary lapses in which I completely loose hope, loose sense and loose feeling as to why I'm alive, as to why I was created by my parents and as to what my intentions for being here are. I wish I could understand these lapses but I can't but what I do know is that during these momentary lapses I have to fight against my inner demons as a way to bring myself back, as a way to make myself feel myself again and that is how these marks appear. Most of the time, once I've snapped out of these lapses I feel coldness down my skin and when I look I realise what I have done without intentionally doing it, I then have to live the next few days trying to cover them up as I fear people won't understand as to why they are there because let's face it, the majority of the time, neither do I. My intentions for writing this is not for attention in anyway, I find it really hard to speak to people about how I feel, what I'm thinking about and generally how I'm doing so I like to write things down and share them on a place in which nobody I know can read them, in that way all the things that I keep bottled up are released and that is why I write this. I know the majority of you won't emphasise with anything I have said already or will talk about in the future and that's fine but for those of you that do, I want you to know I appreciate it and that no matter how much it seems it (it's taken me until this moment to realise it) that you are not alone in how you are feeling and what you do to yourself, just know that there must be a reason as to why we were given a chance at #life and before we completely give up, find out what that reason is. That is what keeps me going and I hope it will for you too.

The Wrath Returns. The wrath returns. I just don't understand why i feel this way, these thoughts, these feelings, these urges, why do they have to stay. Feeling smothered, feeling weak, feeling lonely, feel a freak. Give me hope, give me meaning, give me just one positive feeling. When things started to look up, I started to feel good but all this was dropped when my head once again began to pop. Too much pressure surrounds, I need a break, i need to keep my feet firmly on the ground. I need to stay on the right path despite my increasing wrath. Why wrath you wonder and rightly so, immense anger with myself as I've managed to let my true self go. But how can I return is the question I need before time runs out and I let myself bleed.