5/21/17 Its been a very long time since I've journaled and I need to get back into it. On Saturday I flew back into Ohio for the first time in a year - actually it was a year to the day when I landed. Maxwell and I got into Mesa Verde about two weeks ago. When I checked into human resorces they informed me I needed a new license before I started work. I didn't think it orginally would have been an issue but in Colorado you need your old ID to inquire a new one. Since I wasn't in the state system I had to fly to Ohio to get a new license. My parents helped me out so much in this situation. Overall my trip was good, short but much needed since I have not seen my friends or family in some time now. Dante is nine years old now and my sister is graduated high school, it's crazy how fast time goes by. My parents moved into a new house and it's absolutely stunning. They finally have the land they've always wanted. I saw Savanna and she's been ten months sober and seems to be doing well. It was really nice to see her, she looked so healthy and hopeful. Brie isn't doing to well though. She's in the pits of her saddness and drug abuse. It's heartbreaking to see her in such a mental state but all I can do is be there for her. No one can change until they really want it and that's what I went through. Four years of everyone telling me I was ruining my mind, body and chance of a good #life. Nothing worked until I craved better for myself. Being in Ohio has given me a lot of time to reflect on myself. Max and I have been going through some hard times right now. He feels that I am overbearing and clingy sometimes. It took me until being without him for the first time in a year to realize he is right. My biggest problem is getting addicted to satisfication and pleasure. I need to constantly remember that I do indeed have an addictive peronality and extreme emotion. This time apart with it being so hard without him made me realize how much of my #life I have truly made him. It's wonderful to love someone, love is the gratest gift. It's what people search for everyday and I've already found it. I cannot push him away like I have been. This space alowed me to come to the conclusion that I need to take a couple steps back. He cannot be the only part of my #life, he cannot define me. I need to find my own idendity. Balance is what keeps almost everything healthy. I decided I need to start doing things I enjoy even by myself. I need to feel comfortable alone in my own thoughts. I understand he's going through his own stuggles I just hope we can help each other grow and not become toxic. I'm flying back to Colorado right now and I'm extremely nervous as well as excited to start implying these skills and be on the way of being a healthy person. Not only for him but for myself. He deserves unconditional love - he deserves me to love him in the right way. This road will not be easy. I have to get use to always thinking mindfully and not getting over emotional in the moment. I'm strong and I know if I desire this enough over time I will be sucessful. I'm done ignoring the fact that I am diagnosed with boarderline personality disorder. Things will get better but I can't ever stop using skills I've learned or eventually things will become overwhealming and I will fall back into the same patern. I know what I have and I will not let it define me, I will be the one in control. I want more than anything to live a healthy and happy #life. I'm sick of dwelling in my unreal fears and insecurities. If I learn to focus on some positive thing out of every situation it will not be as bad and it will become more natural. I'm scared as hell but I'm ready to start making changes for myself.

Melting in my bed , Like I was doing volcanos. I'm a hippy bitch, With a horrible flow. All I really want is a thick, Stipper hoe.. To slide down that Damn pole as I'm facing this blow. Heals clickin as we walk to my car. This bitch is taking too long So i beat her with a fucking velvet crowbar. Refernce Lana del Rey, Shes the queen.. Not much to say. Stop for a second and try to feel bad, but I don't have emotions, So how the fuck is this sad? Feeling strung out so I light Up a blunt, I look up the to moon. I wish I was that high, But times wasting and my #life Is passing by. Fuck it, take a dose, because it's all a lie. Find a forest and I walk on in. Feeling like Alice but with a little spin. But this isn't wonderland. We live in a world of sin. Trees are becoming bigger And I'm starting to shrink. I fall into a river, full of my thoughts. Review my memories.. All I see is dots. Quick connect the picture Before it become a loss.. The acid hits my brain, Now perspective starts to change. The sky and ground morph together. Maybe I'm insane. My body starts drifting. Soul is lifted. Shit down and chat with God. Nigga says I'm gifted.

I care for you, But you do not care for yourself. 'just a little more,' you say. We sit there doped up all night. It's hard for me form words describing you when I don't understand you, myself. You don't want me. You don't want anything, You only wish to consume substances to numb you. I find myself sitting around, Attempting to find things that numb me from the craving, The want, I have for you.

Endless circle. Tell me there's something 'wrong.' Tell me I'm not 'normal,' That you're sorry I suffered this long. Thoroughly examine me, Look me up and down. There's nothing you can do. Endless circle, around and around. Assign me someone to consul in. Weeks go on weeks. Nothing changes, nothing happens. The money is prize in return of listening to me weep. Endless circle. Still falling under. Drugs may do the trick. "Happy pills" and "positive thoughts." You tell me, " try them don't resist." Months go on months, Still feeling blue. You upper my dosage, To help me get through. Endless circle. Constant pain. These are the reasons, I blew out my brains.

I'm attracted to emptiness. I crave to make you full. For you to understand and to believe, you have complete control. I cradle your broken pieces. Pieces that can be fixed. Pieces that aren't for me to touch, But my body can't resist. You're superior to me, Which is what I want you to be. I attempt to set lost souls free. Yet I'm self destructive, when it comes to me.