5/21/17 Its been a very long time since I've journaled and I need to get back into it. On Saturday I flew back into Ohio for the first time in a year - actually it was a year to the day when I landed. Maxwell and I got into Mesa Verde about two weeks ago. When I checked into human resorces they informed me I needed a new license before I started work. I didn't think it orginally would have been an issue but in Colorado you need your old ID to inquire a new one. Since I wasn't in the state system I had to fly to Ohio to get a new license. My parents helped me out so much in this situation. Overall my trip was good, short but much needed since I have not seen my friends or family in some time now. Dante is nine years old now and my sister is graduated high school, it's crazy how fast time goes by. My parents moved into a new house and it's absolutely stunning. They finally have the land they've always wanted. I saw Savanna and she's been ten months sober and seems to be doing well. It was really nice to see her, she looked so healthy and hopeful. Brie isn't doing to well though. She's in the pits of her saddness and drug abuse. It's heartbreaking to see her in such a mental state but all I can do is be there for her. No one can change until they really want it and that's what I went through. Four years of everyone telling me I was ruining my mind, body and chance of a good #life. Nothing worked until I craved better for myself. Being in Ohio has given me a lot of time to reflect on myself. Max and I have been going through some hard times right now. He feels that I am overbearing and clingy sometimes. It took me until being without him for the first time in a year to realize he is right. My biggest problem is getting addicted to satisfication and pleasure. I need to constantly remember that I do indeed have an addictive peronality and extreme emotion. This time apart with it being so hard without him made me realize how much of my #life I have truly made him. It's wonderful to love someone, love is the gratest gift. It's what people search for everyday and I've already found it. I cannot push him away like I have been. This space alowed me to come to the conclusion that I need to take a couple steps back. He cannot be the only part of my #life, he cannot define me. I need to find my own idendity. Balance is what keeps almost everything healthy. I decided I need to start doing things I enjoy even by myself. I need to feel comfortable alone in my own thoughts. I understand he's going through his own stuggles I just hope we can help each other grow and not become toxic. I'm flying back to Colorado right now and I'm extremely nervous as well as excited to start implying these skills and be on the way of being a healthy person. Not only for him but for myself. He deserves unconditional love - he deserves me to love him in the right way. This road will not be easy. I have to get use to always thinking mindfully and not getting over emotional in the moment. I'm strong and I know if I desire this enough over time I will be sucessful. I'm done ignoring the fact that I am diagnosed with boarderline personality disorder. Things will get better but I can't ever stop using skills I've learned or eventually things will become overwhealming and I will fall back into the same patern. I know what I have and I will not let it define me, I will be the one in control. I want more than anything to live a healthy and happy #life. I'm sick of dwelling in my unreal fears and insecurities. If I learn to focus on some positive thing out of every situation it will not be as bad and it will become more natural. I'm scared as hell but I'm ready to start making changes for myself.
