Regeneration (One)
The trees broke the sunlight that poured into the forest path. Saying goodbye had never been this easy. Little did I realise that was all I would be doing over the next few years.
I was leaving a relationship that had lasted the same period of time. Nearly three years, blissful but straining, tearing me apart like a parasite. On the surface I'd never been happier; underneath I was savaged, torn and left for scrap. But I didn't realise that, I couldn't compute it. All I knew was that my heart was flying out of myself. It had never been with him, but it was with another now.
My first time falling in love. The fall was quick, sharp, but painless. It acted like a bandage, masking the inevitable pain that would have come with a breakup, a breakup from my first proper boyfriend.
This isn't a story with a happy ending. It has no ending, it's constantly ongoing, shifting and changing with every passing day. That's what happens when you're depressed. Nothing runs smoothly; and when the events begin to unfold, it seems justifiable in some way.
Starting at the beginning, where all the leaks sprang from, is the only way to come to terms with it.
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F was different. He liked me, he found me attractive in a way boys hadn't before then. I'd been branded a slut, desperate for male attention to counter my hatred for myself. I thought he was a man, sweeping me off my feet. While he was, and continued to be my best friend for the three years that passed, a series of unfortunate occurrences lead to my downfall. Somehow, a downfall that never really happened.
University came upon us; a stressful time combining exam pressures, getting offers for universities and the consequential decrease of friendships lead to me becoming burnt out, struggling to socialise and balance all my time. I found it was in my nature to juggle, and juggle, and juggle, waiting for everything to collapse. It didn't: I simply threw the friendship ball out of the game. So, I pushed more and more on F, causing him to back away, It seems this is one of my traits as a girlfriend. Nonetheless, I continued on, giving up my hopes and dreams of studying Law at a prestigious university in exchange for a good (albeit not amazing) university which he could get into.
Predictably, things crashed down. After having every one of my flat mates at university then on me (bar a select few) I was alone again, pushing myself into F like there was no tomorrow. But this time, instead of simply running away he ran towards someone else. I never got a confession that he cheated on me, or any sign of confirmation, but I knew. He stopped seeing me, he went out virtually every night without me. And I knew no one, I didn't have the influence I had at school. I had no way of finding out and no one to turn to.
This was when I discovered the ability to switch off. I worked hard, got great grades, spent a large amount of time on my own and adapted to these circumstances. I felt a shade of happy, not bright and shining but content enough to carry on. Little did I realise this was the beginning of the end. I stopped needing F, I stopped pushing and started isolating myself in my own little world, content with my own company and good grades. I stopped having feelings for him. I'd always known that my feelings had to be maintained, I couldn't just be left to sink back into a low self-esteem hole; I found someone else.
I started working over the summer for some extra money at the hotel in the village my family live in. The work was hard, awful hours and (being my first job) completely and utterly enthralling. Something about the independence of earning my own money, contributing and having something to busy myself with every day meant for a new outlook on #life. I felt strong, capable of handling myself and finally social again.
I first met L in June. He worked behind the bar, whereas I was in the restaurant. Our paths crossed, but I don't remember ever really speaking to him. Honestly, I paid him little attention until he messaged me one night and asked me if I was home safe. No one had ever cared like that so openly before. It was certainly something F wasn't doing for me; he'd rather blackmail me into submission and question why I was getting a job in the first place. L set me free, we chatted and chatted and found a string of exes in common who had all mistreated us. We laughed, joked, enjoyed each other and I finally thought I'd found a friend I could depend on truly. But this didn't last. He told me he liked me, that he thought we made a great match. I was torn and conflicted, my low-self-esteem kicked in and before I knew it I was panicking in bed at night, not wanting to leave something secure for something that might crumble at the next opportunity. I wasn't happy, but I wasn't unhappy. There was something about our connection; I'd never understood chemistry before but he gave me a spark that seemed more than friends. I felt like we were destined to be together.
So after days of refusing to go out with him, desperate to make the right decision before I commuted to anything, we found ourselves walking through some woods in the late afternoon sun, on the way to a pub. This was the night I was saying goodbye to my relationship, because the minute I stepped out of that door on June 21st, I was leaving my boyfriend.
