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KatyTiffanyNYC

Used to write on here all the time (formerly KatyTiffanyNYC - damn memory couldn't remember the password!) and hoping to get the ball rolling again! 5 years of life experience should make my writing better...

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  • 34 posts
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  • 01-01-70
  • Living in United Kingdom

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KatyTiffanyNYC
Translate   8 years ago

Regeneration Coming to terms with #depression is a tough journey, and one i need to address. This story aims to help me visualise whats happened and accept, hopefully allowing me to move on accordingly in my new #life. I was previously @KatyTiffanyNYC and some of you may remember my stories from around 2012 (seems a #lifetime ago!!). I'm not doing this for popularity, i dont expect this story to gain as much of a base as the last series did, but this is such an amazing community so when i came up with the idea of using this process of acceptance, i couldnt ignore my second family here, and another example of a support system when i needed you all most. Thank you for reading this, its incredibly personal to me but something i need to get out of my system! Love you all!

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    KatyTiffanyNYC
    Translate   8 years ago

    Regeneration (One) The trees broke the sunlight that poured into the forest path. Saying goodbye had never been this easy. Little did I realise that was all I would be doing over the next few years. I was leaving a relationship that had lasted the same period of time. Nearly three years, blissful but straining, tearing me apart like a parasite. On the surface I'd never been happier; underneath I was savaged, torn and left for scrap. But I didn't realise that, I couldn't compute it. All I knew was that my heart was flying out of myself. It had never been with him, but it was with another now. My first time falling in love. The fall was quick, sharp, but painless. It acted like a bandage, masking the inevitable pain that would have come with a breakup, a breakup from my first proper boyfriend. This isn't a story with a happy ending. It has no ending, it's constantly ongoing, shifting and changing with every passing day. That's what happens when you're depressed. Nothing runs smoothly; and when the events begin to unfold, it seems justifiable in some way. Starting at the beginning, where all the leaks sprang from, is the only way to come to terms with it. ------------------------------------------------- F was different. He liked me, he found me attractive in a way boys hadn't before then. I'd been branded a slut, desperate for male attention to counter my hatred for myself. I thought he was a man, sweeping me off my feet. While he was, and continued to be my best friend for the three years that passed, a series of unfortunate occurrences lead to my downfall. Somehow, a downfall that never really happened. University came upon us; a stressful time combining exam pressures, getting offers for universities and the consequential decrease of friendships lead to me becoming burnt out, struggling to socialise and balance all my time. I found it was in my nature to juggle, and juggle, and juggle, waiting for everything to collapse. It didn't: I simply threw the friendship ball out of the game. So, I pushed more and more on F, causing him to back away, It seems this is one of my traits as a girlfriend. Nonetheless, I continued on, giving up my hopes and dreams of studying Law at a prestigious university in exchange for a good (albeit not amazing) university which he could get into. Predictably, things crashed down. After having every one of my flat mates at university then on me (bar a select few) I was alone again, pushing myself into F like there was no tomorrow. But this time, instead of simply running away he ran towards someone else. I never got a confession that he cheated on me, or any sign of confirmation, but I knew. He stopped seeing me, he went out virtually every night without me. And I knew no one, I didn't have the influence I had at school. I had no way of finding out and no one to turn to. This was when I discovered the ability to switch off. I worked hard, got great grades, spent a large amount of time on my own and adapted to these circumstances. I felt a shade of happy, not bright and shining but content enough to carry on. Little did I realise this was the beginning of the end. I stopped needing F, I stopped pushing and started isolating myself in my own little world, content with my own company and good grades. I stopped having feelings for him. I'd always known that my feelings had to be maintained, I couldn't just be left to sink back into a low self-esteem hole; I found someone else. I started working over the summer for some extra money at the hotel in the village my family live in. The work was hard, awful hours and (being my first job) completely and utterly enthralling. Something about the independence of earning my own money, contributing and having something to busy myself with every day meant for a new outlook on #life. I felt strong, capable of handling myself and finally social again. I first met L in June. He worked behind the bar, whereas I was in the restaurant. Our paths crossed, but I don't remember ever really speaking to him. Honestly, I paid him little attention until he messaged me one night and asked me if I was home safe. No one had ever cared like that so openly before. It was certainly something F wasn't doing for me; he'd rather blackmail me into submission and question why I was getting a job in the first place. L set me free, we chatted and chatted and found a string of exes in common who had all mistreated us. We laughed, joked, enjoyed each other and I finally thought I'd found a friend I could depend on truly. But this didn't last. He told me he liked me, that he thought we made a great match. I was torn and conflicted, my low-self-esteem kicked in and before I knew it I was panicking in bed at night, not wanting to leave something secure for something that might crumble at the next opportunity. I wasn't happy, but I wasn't unhappy. There was something about our connection; I'd never understood chemistry before but he gave me a spark that seemed more than friends. I felt like we were destined to be together. So after days of refusing to go out with him, desperate to make the right decision before I commuted to anything, we found ourselves walking through some woods in the late afternoon sun, on the way to a pub. This was the night I was saying goodbye to my relationship, because the minute I stepped out of that door on June 21st, I was leaving my boyfriend.

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      Translate   13 years ago

      The Beautiful And The Damned Things are sweeter when they're lost. I know--because once I wanted something and got it. It was the only thing I ever wanted badly, Dot, and when I got it it turned to dust in my hand.

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      Anon

      I think that that's the whole idea around happiness. The main access to it is by wanting something, and looking forward to having it. The closer the days to you having it, the happier you are. And then, when you finally have it, it's the longer you have it the less happy you become. So then you can just look forward to something else! Or as a old Chinese proverb claims: "Happiness is wanting what you have, not what you want". Just my two cents
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      KatyTiffanyNYC

      @Free_Mind I totally agree its like meeting your idols, you adore them up until the moment when you realise they are less amazing, less beautiful, shorter and just a normal person
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        Translate   13 years ago

        I Need Some Advice I know this will sound really petty, and insignificant to some of you, but I'm at a dead end with this, and I don't know what to do, so if someone could spare a few minutes to help me out I'll be really grateful So basically, on April 11th 2011, I went on holiday to Egypt and I met this guy. He's called Guy (which is hilarious, right?) but anyway, I fell in love with him that day, and he did too. But he's the kind of person who doesn't love a girl for the right reasons. He does it for sex. And I don't want that. I want to be in a regular relationship, full of love and caring for each other (you know what I mean). Well anyway we've talked on and off for the past year, but one thing that's stayed constant is my unconditional love for him. I think about him before I sleep, every minute of every day. But my parents don't like him, so I can't talk to anyone about him. Over Christmas, we were in a relationship for a month or so. It was perfect, I was happy, we were in love, and we did everything I wanted us to do. But then he decided it was his turn to get what he wanted, so I left him. But we still talk every now and again, but tonight, I realised how much I miss him, and how much I still love him. Do I get back in a relationship with him, but be subjected to what he wants? Or do I stay as I am, talking occasionally? Or do I just ignore him totally and erase him from my #life? Each one has it's pros and cons, but I can't decide what to do :/ So if anyone can help, even in the slightest I'd really appreciate it By the way, I can't stress enough how much I love him...

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        Stablish

        I know if you love someone it's hard just to forget them, so even if you did cut him out of your life you would still find yourself regretting it, you should tell him that you love him but make sure that he knows you want respect and it's not all about sex. If he's not willing to accept that then he's not worth your time or effort, he could lie tho and say he will change but I guess only you will know if he is being truthful or not. Not sure if this helps or not but thought I would try to help. I wish you luck and I will end this corny as my normal stuff and say follow your heart.
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        KatyTiffanyNYC

        @Stablish no thank you and you're right, he did say he'd changed, and he did for a few weeks, and things were perfect. But he changed back :/ I know as well that if I tell him I love him he'll say something like 'if you love me, then we can be together again, but it needs to satisfy both of us' and I'll be in such an awkward position
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        KatyTiffanyNYC

        @Stablish but thank you so much for the advice
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          Translate   13 years ago

          My Great Grandma. It's also a year since she died. What a day

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          Stablish

          My great grandma has sadly not been with us for just over year. Know how you feel, they can still feel our love tho. (-:
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          KatyTiffanyNYC

          @Stablish I know. Sorry to her about yours ❤
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          Guy Roberts

          I've never known my great grandma or even either of my grandmas
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