ramblings When the two pink bars showed I cried I dodnt know whether to tell you Tonight or tomorrow Or whether To kill myself before you got home or runaway or hide And my heart raced in my chest For the next six hours While you were in class And when you got home I showed you the pictures we orded And you were so happy My stomach dropped to the deepest part of me And when I looked in your eyes and said that there had been an accident I swear to god I saw the blue drain from your irises And you just knew I told you I wanted to know what tou thought we should do Because one plus one does in fact make one And when you told me that you wanted it gone too I didn't feel the relief I thought I would recieve And how can the right thing for us feel so wrong for me Now I cry at work when I see babies I won't get excited about names This is one bad dream I cannot wake up from and I just wish that it could be now and not later And i am scared Scared Scared

I mentioned to a friend yesterday About how I feel numb Like how Antarctica is considered a desert Since it gets such little rain Or how my #life is the emotional equivalent Of watching grass grow And she said "Why do you always have to romanticize your #depression?" So I said: Forgive me for trying to give breath To this #lifeless body of mine Forgive me for trying to describe A stranger's face to you Description is not romanticisingl

Love It Away It breaks my boyfriend's heart When I mention my #depression He tries so hard to tread the water In my self-destructive ocean The pain in his eyes feels like a knife When I'm honest about how I feel I know he thinks it's his fault Even though it truly isn't He brings me to friends Trying to annull my self-isolation I just end up behind a screen And I know it frustrates him But no matter the effort And no matter the hugs and the kisses No matter if he can keep loving me through Loving it away, is not gonna do it.

hidden I like to pretend the bad days don't happen the days where i count pills and red lines And I like to be alone on those days Because no one likes to believe what they can't see And i like to act like my #depression is an anomaly and most people believe that because you see, I am really good at hiding this For everyone forgets the forest for the trees Because when my dark days come Its a nuclear bomb drop The thing is about hiding the bad Is that it drowns out the good, no matter how good And people are so suprised when I tell them I want to kill myself and i feel so awful about it Because forget that no one knows that I feel this way all the time, a slow forgettable burning to me A punch in the face to them, a dirty reminder

symptoms in similie and metaphor words i dont mean bubble from my mouth like a boiling waterfall caustic and rapid burning my throat and tongue my heaving lungs keep churning my sadness like a poisoned tide sour and acidic fermenting the air my tired joints in torturous motion like rusty gears sinewy and raw permeating my skin things i cant do burn my eyes like flecks of dirt miniscule and dismissable polluting the water