18 Week Wait I no longer know how to feel. Its like my mind wont work. Trying to touch the things that are real. Yet all my body just feels stuck. I wake up in the morning wanting to close my eyes. Just for long enough. Just till the pain subsides. But i cant. I have to keep going. Ive got to find strength. Strength in myself. But it seems at such a length. I just want to feel something. Other than a hurt. The deep feeling in my chest. It clears but then it hurts. It hurts. Everything hurts.

Bladder Hello bladder. We meet again at this un-godly hour. I already realeased you a short while ago, just before my head hit that pillow. Now im wide awake and my eyes look like bloodshot piss holes. Fuck you bladder.

Panic Just go away.

Bipolar So I'm back here again. I never really thought I would be. But sometimes these things are inevitable. I'm writing this as I'm laying in bed, a place where it seems to be my only source of comfort these days. And that hurts. It hurts the fact that I'll never completely feel like I can find that reliance in people anymore or even in myself. It's not that I have a bad #life or I've had a tough upbringing to make me feel the way I do but I do and that's something I'm battling with every single day. I never feel good enough anymore, not even for myself. That's what needs to change. Along with a lot of things, my mind is the one thing that worries me the most. My mind controls everything within my reach and more often than not it's on self destruct. Don't get me wrong I have my good days and I have the people around me to keep me going but once I'm on that downward spiral, sometimes there's no stopping me. I know I can find the light in the darkest or places, just sometimes I lose sight of what's really going on around me and of the people who are here to support and love me. But #depression is not a choice. So many people do not believe such thing exists, yet they would happily believe in ghosts or fate or even god. #depression is real and so many people suffer with it more than you expect. And yeah, that's scary. But it also shows we're not alone. There's help out there. There's people who are feeling just as bad, if not worse. Some people think it's a selfish act. That you're just having a bad day. But it's like a switch in your brain that you have no control of. Sometimes it's made me a horrible person and I regret my actions and words and the way I've treat people. It's not easy to deal with. But the more people open up. The more we understand. No ones ever alone.

Is there Any Hope? You know when you feel like your #life just flips right upside down and everything you thought you ever knew wasn't and isn't? You know when you put your all into something and get nothing in return? You know when you realise the ones that love you aren't what's needed in your #life anymore and that the only way to stop the pain is to hurt even more? You know when you feel like giving up but that isn't the way to solve this discomfort? You know when you realise that you aren't enough sometimes and that some people just never change and are never willing to sacrifice any of their being? You know deep down that there is nothing you can do but you still try with all your might to hold onto anything that's left? But you can't and it's hurts? That's how I'm feeling.