Saturday, 9 April 2011Spaghetti, Meat ballsand Why Tiffanys woolly jumper was a health and safety nightmare. Yo Followers 3 AND 900 secret readers on the stats!!! 900 bloody hell that's more than i have friends on facebook....... ........By about 718. I come with exciting news on this lovely sunny day, well exciting for me but perhaps not for the rest of the world, with ears. Yesterday i was invited to become part of a new girl band !! well i use the term 'girl band' loosely as we are all thirty something and have to use oil of olay............. Anyway im glad im a singer at last and I'm glad that i put all of that effort in to the Kylie Ass as its obviously paying off. Our first gig is 2 weeks Thursday which is slightly worrying because i don't know 'any' words to the song / !!! Also my fellow band members have not yet seen my dancing / except for one of them but that was very late on a saturday night after 20 pints of wine, so i cant see that that counts. Secondly i would like to proudly announce that the 'British comedy zone' is following me on twitter!! (i tweet this shite blog on twitter now dont you know) how exciting! I feel though they may be making up a case against me for their solicitors, for crimes against comedy writing ( Although seriously, this isn't really comedy and i dont find it remotely funny. Its my #life and i cant help it. Its always been there. I just had to keep it all inside before. Thank god for this blog and facebook its saves me thousands of pounds in therapy. This week has been especially busy Monday involved many separate adventures. The first being a trip to the childrens hospital with child 2 for blood tests. I am now sorry to say at the very top of her get it list for taking her there, followed by Gordon Brown and the guy who stepped on her foot in the shop ( To be fair It was not as traumatic as i first thought it would be. I had a small accident with the numbing (anesthetic) cream, I squeezed it on her arms in the places which were to be punctured, much to child two's distress. May be i shouldn't have hidden the appointment from her i don't know?, because this made her more angry, there was a bit of a kerfuffle which resulted in me actually ingesting some of the said cream, and spreading it down my face, this caused hideous dribbling and after a while one side of my mouth and tongue was completely numb, again i looked like Quasimodo, god knows what it done to my insides. But im sure i could have even eaten one of my cakes and it wouldn't of hurt. With no time to spare as per usual i discovered that i had no plasters to cover up the cream on her arms, the doctor rummaged through the nurses cupboards for me the previous Monday (oooer) and had found me some wadding, but me being me i lost it. ( Quick thinking my brain told me to use cling film, which was good until we had to remove it in front of the nurses at the hospital, then i looked a little foolish. I wish i hadn't put so much on it was like unwrapping an evil mummy, Child 2 is very stubborn and if shes doesn't want to participate she wont, luckily daddy was there which helped immensely with comunication as she does not talk to people on her get it list at all. The two nurses were also on the get it list by now and so was the clingfilm ( Bloods done and nurses wishing to change careers, we whizzed back up the motorway, Child two decided to take me off of her get it list if we took her to the pub for lunch so we did. I shan't say which pub we went to but neither i or boy 40 had been there before.............. i know why now, it really needs Ruth Watson to sort it out, the only people in there were an old couple who were about 105, and they matched the surroundings well. My god the stuff wot was coming out of their mouths was unbelievable !! I would call them upper upper bonkers class so far removed from normal human beings like you wouldn't believe. We ate the 70's food didn't brave the toilets and as we left they were slagging of some single mother who apparently lives in a caravan with 5 children ( by different men don't you know) how the hell the old farts knew this fact i don't know. but the old lady met her at a bus stop and took an instant dislike to her. I met a person at a bus stop once i thought she was my friend and she turned out to be the antichrist, may be its just the bus stops round here i dunno, anyway shes also got 4 cats she smokes 'ciggarettes' and so do her kids (probably) i made that bit up but anyway she is a right potty mouth, and they have taken steps to evict her!!............ hey i think i might know that gal she used to live on an estate near where i used to live. Anyway next job was to race over to Nanny's to drop off small person who was now 'full' of dreadful old people stories to tell them. ( and she did Nanny was very interested to hear about the low #life hobo who was arrested in posh mans kitchen smelling of urine and filth ( he was probably the old sods gardener) if the truth was known. But it gave child 2 and the grandparents some entertainment for the afternoon. So now it was for a meeting at the solicitors office, why do they always speak like its 1824 ?? i came out of there knowing less than i do now, it probably cost a hundred quid. So now to more travelling through the country side for another meeting with an architect who charges about six grand an hour. By now we were running very late and i only had time for a packet of cheesy wotsits for my tea before venturing off to see a clairvoyant at a Friends house. I have to say she was very good but all she told me was that my washing machine was broken, i already knew that but how the hell did she?? did i smell ? may be my clothes looked dirty ?? May be she had been talking to thae lady in buskins off of Nailsworth, she thinks im a tramp! She did not though however tell me of my big secret wot is still a secret. of what i am still keeping......I'm sure she should have known about that ? bloody hell its massive! Ah well On Tuesday child 3 made a shrinkernator at school, I'm currently selling them for £19.99 This is the Baddie shrinkernator to you and me it looks like an empty lemonade bottle on top of an orange juice bottle with some bendy pipe cleaners inside. Well you are very much mistaken, apparently if you put bad peoples arms inside the top it will drag them inside and shrink them, i have no reason to believe it does not work as i haven't bumped in to any bad people since she bought it home, i will however be taking it out in to town today to try it out, i shall also take it to the police station to see if they want to buy some in bulk, Its Saturday night tonight so they may well be interested.Child 3 has also been up to her usual mischief this week, amongst many other things she got her big toe stuck in to the ring on the dogs collar / the only problem was was that the dog was still wearing it.A small child with a black labrador attached to it on a wednesday night was a inconvenience i could have done without quite frankly. it took many attempts to free said childs toe and I'm not sure who was more frightened her or the dog.Talking of small person 3 i am having trouble in concentrating on these words, she is currently stair surfing on a giant spongebob pillow, child 2 is laughing loudly at her. Boy 40 is singing in the kitchen and i really wish they would all be quiet, this is my therapy time, its the only me time i get in a week when i need quiet, just so i can get all of these things down, if one thing gets left inside me it will build up in to nervous tension and come out in some other way which may not be pleasent. I got rid of the dead cake mix by the way, a very kind friend gave me some more, only i left it in the car all day in the hot weather, when i realised it was actually bubbeling in the heat ( I'm not sure if we will all get food poisoning from that now, i may just have to give the cake to the dog ( My washing machine is still broken ( but the magic fairys still have it all under control. Ive never had so many clean piles of washing that all smells different ;Excuse me i just need to shout at my family to shut it just for 5 more minutes ..........*****............ Ok done. Well that just leads me nicely to finish on the Tiffany Jumper fiasco. I have this jumper its big and woolly with bat wing sleeves i call it my 'Tiffany' jumper as in the singer Tiffany off of the 80's. I always have to sing the song and do that weird crazy dance when im wearing too it because i do actual proper look like Tiffany. I wear it mostly when im working as it is a little scruffy, Its really quite an annoying jumper im always finding myself hanging off of various knobs on cupboards and it grabs hold of every door handle it can find, catapulting me in all directions ( i really dont know how the poor girl coped. Did they have to take out extra public liability insurance when she toured ?Small person 2 had a few days off of school this week due to a vaccine which made her unwell, her temperature was very high, i was trying to work, i did not realise the thing my jumper had done until her physio lady popped round to say hi. Sitting beside her i suddenly noticed blue thick stuff all over number two's forehead, (she had been asleep and was completely unaware of the colour of her face) it was also all over the sofa cushions and everywhere else i had been. I couldnt work out for the #life of me what it was, and then i realised, my Tiffany jumper had picked up rather a lot of paint on its long baggy sleeve and had proceeded to splatter everything in its path with it / Miss physio asked child 2 kindly 'have you been painting? today thats nice. ' No she replyed ive been watching Tracy beeker all day.Now i look like ive randomly painted my childs head with blue paint ( why would i do that? Grrrr that stupid jumper it was emulsion and took ages to remove.I looked a little more closely at the sleeve on my jumper i hadn't really been aware of its talents before. It was disgusting, all sorts of crap was hanging off of it, bits of straw from the hutches, the odd cat food biscuit and lord knows what else. I did not realise what a health hazard it really was. Thankfully i avoided another catastrophy that evening. NEVER wear your Tiffany jumper if you are to use all four gas rings on the stove. I was greatful in the end of the stuff of what my sleeve had un wittingly collected during the day because when i caught it on fire the different dangelling off smells hit my nose much sooner.Spaghetti and meat balls certainly had a fragrant twist that evening, Well thankfully its a lovely sunny day the kids are now outside bouncing on the trampoline with the dog / its all gone quiet here, I think im alone now, there doesn't seem to be anyone around................ And thats good because the cat has just farted.until next time ; x

Saturday, 2 April 2011 Floods, Slugs, and a Bloody Parsnip accident 800 on the stats!!!!!!!!!!! OMFG Sorry how rude of me good morning one and all and happy Saturday. This week i am glad to say #life has returned to normal so i shall not be bothering you with weird and frightening dreams i shall just be telling you the real true #life stuff. It all started last Sunday really when the washing machine decided to pump water out all over the utility room floor, immediately it reminded me of the great flood of 2004 in my last house. That dreadful day When i decided to plumb in the dishwasher all by myself / Not being an 'actual' plumber it all ended in unfortunate tears and a brand new 3 storey house wot was ruined, with all our stuff in it / anyway i shall not bother you with that as i already told you about it last week. I may though one day elaborate and tell you the proper story of which im sure could actually be made in to a film, The perfect storm is the closest film match i can think to it / What i would like to know though is, if there are any plumbers out there, do you always have wet socks? and do you carry spare ones about in your lunch box,? Because my second plumbing accident of the washing machine kind ( last sunday) again resulted in my wet socks. What made it worse was that i emptied all of the dirty washing out of the basket and on the floor to mop it up, so i ended up with more wet socks. Rather unfortunatly I'm sure that the cat had pissed behind the washing machine as all of the wet stuff quickly gathered a certain cat piss aroma, which i then had to take up to my mums house and stick in her machine. I'm sure she noticed the vile smell, she didn't say anything but her face was not of a pleasant nature / Ive had offers all week from friendly folk offering to do my washing for me, in some cases it has been ironed too, so i have decided to keep it broken for a little longer ; but shhhhh don't tell anyone. Work has been shall we say interesting this week. As you know I'm doing an exhibition on Africa, and also as you know I've spent hours painting white tigers in the painting wot don't live there ( I'm not actually sure where this painting is going anymore. It seems to be going from bad to worse. I spend a lot of time talking on the phone whilst painting, mainly to fizzer follower number 3. This week we had a particularly long and interesting conversation, mostly about other people whilst i painted a monkey. I must have been feeling in a cuddly mood for i painted him hugging the lion, well this was all to take a strange and perverted twist as i put the phone down i took a closer look and oh my god my monkey looked like he was actually sh*****g the lion. Shocked and stunned by this image I did not say a word but simply put the image up on facebook, i did not need to say anything because everyone else thought that this was what the monkey was doing too / apart from my friend Ali who has a rather sweet Innocent mind ( until she's drank two bottles of red ). I wonder really whether to give up on this project right now and seek some counselling, may be im just not cut our for this job anymore, that afternoon i went out for half an hour just to pick up the kids, my friend Anne says ' hey i like yer monkey' (whilst laughing) then i go in to the shop and someone shouts over 'Hey Rach nice monkey ' and he winks at me like I'm some kinda pervert. Ive kind of covered it up now i think by sitting another monkey by dirty monkeys side, although if you look at that closely his knees look like a pair of boobs / Talking of boobs have you heard that dreadful song on the local radio stations ? its advertising a breast enlargement / resize whatever clinic, its really crap but catchy. I may have to email them to take it off air, my child of the naughtiest variety number 3 , keeps singing 'myyyyyy Breast' at the top of her voice in super markets and at her nannys house on the way to school, and in all sorts of innapropriate places she has no idea what it means but everyone else does / Speaking of child 3 she was to bring home this week a Cake mixture, its a 'chain' cake. When we were kids we just used to have letters but oh no not now, we have 'cakes' Herman his name was and i erm use the 'was' as in the past tense... which um he now is. / not to the surprise of anyone i may add. I have now actually killed a cake mix ( he was supposed to grow you see, something to do with the yeast in him, he needed stirring and talking to, ( may be i said the wrong things? i dunno) then when he was big enough he had to be split in to 4. Parts of him were to be passed on to some other unfortunate souls and the rest of him was to be baked ( Herman currently looks like a brick) / a shrunken brick, child number 3 is angry with me, i tried to revive him somewhat with a litle water, just until i can pilfer some mix off of someone else, and replace him. You know like what you do with dead pets . not that i pilfer peoples pets off of them that would be wrong, i go and buy new ones wot look the same. Boy 40 is not good at that though, i once asked hm to go and buy a fish to replace the dead one, this particular fish was very small and dainty, he basically came back with a shark !! duh. The lies i had to tell to get out of that one. Anyway to be honest who ever thought it right to give it to her in the first place?? it was bound to end up with bogeys in it. and who in their right mind would trust me with a cake mix??? bonkers that what they were. Still speaking of child 3 (sorry its good therapy) Apart from the my breast song she has annoying habits of putting things in my shoes, i had an important meeting at the beginning of the week just about some work stuff, I try to look smart on these occasions so i dumped the ragamuffin boho style and put on my work suit a nice fitted little number of what i wore with black boots, I didn't notice at first when i sat down in the office but very soon it was apparent that there was something nasty in my boot. I am a bit of a pwincess to these things and have an over active imagination. Standing up to show off some drawings there was clearly something very large and squidgy under my foot, loosing concentration of what i was doing i stumbled over simple words because all i could think of was that it was a big fat slug. It freaked me out beyond words i started to sweat (a lot) and felt a little nauseous as i could do absolutely nothing about it. I could hardly say ( oh excuse me Mr Man i just need to remove the slug from my boot) its not very professional never mind weird. After the meeting i ran to the car like Quasimodo. Having no time to move the seat back i frantically took off my boot. And yes inside was a black thing about 2 inches long. It was a flippin wine gum!! can you imagine what thats like?? I'm shuddering now just thinking about the whole episode, apparently according to child 3 it must have fell in there out of the cupboard (which is a very long way a way from where i keep my boots. Please try that, put a wine gum in your boot and go out for a walk, see how you feel. She also heard on the news this week that some criminal has been remanded in custard for being a thief and so now thinks if you shop lift or burgle someones house you get incarcerated in custard. Child 2 who is 4 years older and our future priminister says she will look in to this matter as it does not seem an appropriate punishment. I have no idea how child one got to be so intelligent with younger siblings like this / She also Believes that her uncle Damian lives inside her Ds which is slightly worrying because 'he does too'. Well apart from the buzzing thing which entered my hair on the way home from school this week, causing me to jump up and down like a big girl who had been electrocuted whilst smacking my own self around the head to get it out, (whilst walking by myself along a busy main road.) Not a lot more has happened. Except for that is the Parsnip accident off of last sunday where i managed to crack off half of my thumb nail using a new peeler. Boy 40 bought this new peeler because he is quite frankly fed up by the amount of times i cut my self whilst cooking / preparing tea ( ........ He has not realised yet (after 17 years) that i just was not cut out to be a chef a cleaner or an all round boring house wife, its just not natural to me. Id rather be doing stuff I'm good at, (messing about on facebook mainly) so obviously when i try to do these things they go wrong. The parsnip was a long one and so needed a lot of swift fast peeling action. I was singing along at the time to Pixie Lott, so really in my bored of cooking mind i was on the stage under the lights at wembley. With my band Dancing and peeling is obviously not a great strength of mine (nor pixie lotts probably) as i discovered when peeled off my own thumb. ( half the nail came off too. Very quickly i was transported back in to my own kitchen Wembley stadium had gone and all that was left was lots of blood ( But anyway at least it got me out of cooking Sunday lunch, which was good. good for my diners and good for me. Gotta go now the small people have gone off in to town with daddy to buy mothers day stuff so if you see them just make sure they go in the right shops. ; I am going to go and sit on my Kylie arse for an hour to eat biscuits watch some trashy TV and dream of places where i shoud be .............. Turrahh Dirty Monkey (

Saturday, 26 March 2011 Cowboy builders, Floating houses, Dead pet Lizards and small blue arses Afternoon, Evening or indeed good morning depending on where you are and of what time of day your boredom has kicked in so you have decided, to track down that crapalisious blog you've been reading for the past few weeks : This very week Probably two of the biggest things in my #life have happened to me and as ' is' #life i cannot reveal them, one for legal reasons and the other because as usual a series of unfortunate events have befallen me and made the 2nd thing a little uncertain. Its all very exciting i think, / and is sure to come out of my big gob soon, over the next few weeks or so so ill keep you updated, ill just say omfg it cannot be true............. / Grrrrrrr the night of the power cut. This week has also been VERY very boring to be truthful, mainly because of the thing number 2. what has erm happened / I have quite frankly had more fun being asleep, Insomniac island has only had one visit this week which is highly unusual. I'm not sure really though whats weirder, the island or the sleeping, ill run through a couple of my dreams, just to see if you think i need a shrink. OK first one, the real version and not the bridge version i have already released in 420 characters on facebook. / My friend Sonia and chef extraordinaire is getting married in June so i dreamt as one might of her hen night. The first thing which struck me as abnormal was the fact that Russell brand was driving the limo, he was driving too fast and i got scared, to attempt to slow him down i poured the gold fishes what were in bowls on the tables all through the slidey window in to his driving area. He didn't seem to think it odd though this strange thing i had done and just ate them. We were then in a massive theatre / hotel in the foyer which had a big chandellia hanging from the ceiling, looking back now it was an exact replica of the stair case in Buckingham palace. Robbie Williams was there dressed in a black suit, he smiled at me then disappeared in to thin air, the next thing i was sat on a bench with Cherie Blair, (in swindon of all places) she wanted some artists impressions of her new extension. Opposite us over the road were marching Brownies following a brass band, following them were all of Sonia's wedding guests. All of a sudden someone fired a massive toad in to the air, someone else then blasted it out of the sky sending toad explosion and guts and splattery stuff all over the windscreen of my car (which the bench had just turned in to) Cherie was horrified i don't mind saying and i didn't know where to put myself / That was dream one random enough you may think. Dream 2 was off of Tuesday I live in a new house although there are very many cowboy builder problems with it. The kitchen cupboard (which was full) fell off of the wall, all of the bathrooms leaked through the ceilings, the stair wall fell in half. Its so on the piss that You can stick your foot through the gap under my studio door but when the doors opened its flush to the floor. There are big cracks everywhere, the porch roof had to be replaced because it had massive holes in it, the floor tiles are cracked in the bathroom, there was a small crack in the bath, the sink has damage from a hammer wots been dropped in it, there are bits of skirting board missing, paint missing,( this ain't the dream btw ) all the floor boards creak there is a lump in the bedroom carpet, my bedroom window hasn't be fitted properly, there are gaping holes behind the sink and the patio was grouted with what seems to be tooth paste, a roof tile has fell off, and the leads fell off of the bin store roof, and next doors drain has collapsed and her drive way is caving in all thanks to our 'new' houses oh yeah and the 20ft bank behind it is crumbling !!! / .............omfg i told you things just happen to me ( Hey I've just realised why I've had this dream i don't need a shrink, in fact the dreams not as bad as the reality may be i just need some Valium ( Ill tell you the dream anyway because there are aspects of it of what i cannot explain I can though explain the flood i think this comes from when i flooded my last house, it was erm brand new and i wrecked it (all 3 floors) completely. ( Iindustrial dryers were situated in the downstairs for 8 weeks water cascaded down inside the walls at tremendous speed, i was outside flapping about in my wet socks asking for help in thestreet like a crazed penguin anyway ill tell you about that little baby another day ( I was in my house which was situated next to the river, i dream of this river a lot. Ive never seen it before and have no idea where it really is. Then the house started to shake and rumble all the kids were all home so i called them upstairs, an odd decision. I feel now that to have left the house would have been a safer option. The rumbles got worse this was when half of the house just fell off and floated down the river in a torrentt of white water, it was taken off far away and down a sideways waterfall, As dreams typically go it was very quickly the next day and i unfortunately only had half a house left in what to live, my dad was there and tutted about the fact that i had half a house and Said ' i told you not to buy a house from that man! never trust a man who wears green shoes'. ( (i have no recollection of any man ever wearing green shoes) I made him a cup of tea and said yeah sorry bout that Dad. I tried to make out that this was a normal thing what had happened but did say that we would have to drink it in the bathroom because the kitchen had fell off ( He didn't seem to mind to much but noticed how loud the water was, i said i presumed it was because i had no walls and he agreed, then he went. He pootled off in his car to pick up my mum who was at a new supermarket called Awvardo?? (don't ask me wtf that means but apparently they sold good bread with low cholesterol in it) That afternoon the house began to shudder again and crashed down in to a two story, the ground floor was now right underneath the water, Graham was missing but i was still angry about some killings she'd done that day so thought id look for her later, this was when the house started shaking again we all held on to the Bannister's and i was scared. Because most of the house was now under water the river level was massive, and had flooded the train track. from the top window i could see a long train coming (the London train which passes my house 4 times a day). to my horror it disappeared under the flooded river for a few minutes before it came back out of the other side. ( Then the house simply broke off and floated down the river resembling a clumsy kayak, As we all cascaded further and further down some floating terracotta barges appeared with primroses on them i stuffed the kids through the windows and on to them so they would be safe. The house went faster and faster with me in it smacking in to all sorts of stuff, it then transmogrified itself in to a canal Barge and crashed in to the end of the river, which is weird because i didn't think that rivers just ended like that, then a policeman knocked upon my window and said ' Have you got any idea what you have done??, you are in serious trouble!!' he then asked to see my train drivers licence, i tried to protest because of course i don't have one, why would i need one? but then i looked down and the transmogrified house barge was now an actual train , and no i didn't have a licence and so was arrested. Then my Mr Blue sky alarm clock woke me up so i don't know if I've been sentenced yet or anything, I tried to status update with that dream on Wednesday but had problems fitting it in to 420 characters. i would just like to say though facebookers that the London trains are all running fine as usual......... god arn't other peoples dreams boring? sorry about that. Ive been very tired all week and went to bed about 8pm Thursday night. Boy 40 had fallen asleep putting the small person to bed, When he falls asleep a nuclear bomb would not awaken him, he's slept through 3 baby's, police helicopters thunder storms, house alarms and even a small earth quake so he was fast fast asleep, dead to the world. I knew he was missing from the bed when i went to sleep and so think that this must have been on my mind. At around 11pm i was VERY rudely awoken by boy 40's sheer horrified terror, WHOOOOOOOAAAAAHHHHHHH he screamed out at a hundred million decibels sitting bolt upright whilst jumping out of his skin, I very nearly had a heart attack and woke up immediately, and also screamed. The trouble was it was 'me' he was screaming at!! i have this sleep walking habit, and was just standing in front of him just staring at him like some kind of apparition, so there we were, both screaming at each other in the middle of the night, Small person number 3 was woken up fro a split second, Boy 40 was sat up pale as you like holding his chest, i realised although confused at this point what i had done, and so sheepishly went and got back in to my bed and went to sleep, I told you i need a fly on the wall documentary that would have been classic viewing and surely would have earned me 250 quid on you've been framed.. I once woke up in the kitchen and often find myself running about the house looking for pets which i have imaginary lost. I think i will leave my night time behaviour there as i wouldn't want you to think I'm weird. Other markable events this week include the day i dyed child 3 blue, not intentionally, i mean who would have thought a pair of innocent jeans from primarni would turn your child in to an avatar? she did however love being this colour and refused to have a bath, so she went to bed with chubby blue legs and a blue bottom / Television this week revealed a lady who put the ashes of her beloved dead cat in to a 'build a bear' bear, you know the toy bears you make yourself at the shop, you stuff it with stuffing and buy hideously expensive clothes for them. Unfortunately child 3 also saw this program and proceeded to unstuff her £20 build a bear to see if it contained any dead animals / Talking of dead animals Graham the killer cat has been at it again, i was happily painting a unicorn for my African art exhibition (since i painted the white tigers wot don't live in Africa its kind of lost its way) but anyway I'm trying. Graham brought to me half of a lizard, i thought it was one of child 3's rubbery lizard toys so took not much notice at first, then i took a closer look and the poor little fella was still alive, just. I have to be very brave on this day because shazza off of next door my rescuer of anything mank was at work. I picked him up and got an old lunch box, filled it with rocks n stuff lizards like and popped him in it, the trouble was it was at this point i noticed its rather long tail on the floor downstairs / It wasn't long before i knew he would not survive, he opened his big lizard mouth twice, just like the fish did before he died, and then he was gone ( grrrrrrrrrrrr that bloody cat. If that wasn't bad enough child 3 then wanted to keep it for a pet, she carried it about for a few hours before deciding a funeral was its best option / Anyway that was it not many things like i said have happened to me this week, only in my sleep Back to normal next week i expect. I have to go now because i have just heard a faint whistle which has reminded me of the SOS call from the ship Titanic and boy 40 is having a big bonfire at the top of the garden / Toodlepip

Sunday, 13 March 2011 The River The power cut, Census my arse and the decapitated mouses head /Good evening 505 people on the stats!!! That's how many visits this shite blog has had believe it or not! I'm not sure where from or who is looking or of what mental state they are in, but hey who am i to be nosey? (or indeed picky) , and to be honest I'm kinda grateful its good therapy to share my #life / I didn't think id have much material this week to be truthful i mean Saturday was eventful, i went to 'that' Small town where things just happen to me again, (the chocolate fountain incident, the bank palaver, the shoe shop ) you know the one. We all went together, erm on our bikes that in itself was a recipe for disaster. Things were OK until the dog arrived (we have to do separate vehicles to fit all the bikes in) She was excited ill give her that but not as exited as the other dog we met upon the way! / i can only describe what happened as a shagattack, all though that sounds a little fierce, the other dog was only the size of a rat my girl dog being so dopey was just flabbergasted by the incident, I mean god where the hell do you put your face??? I just kept peddling, fast! trying hard to avoid any unwanted questions. That was until child number 2 skidded along the cycle track and in to a small river. Leaving her Soaking wet head to foot. If anyone knows child 2 this is not an agreeable situation, you see child 2 if you don't know comes with a set of rules, you know like in Gremlins. You cant get her wet, you cant get her cold and it is true you cannot feed her after midnight. Anyway the dastardly deed had happened and she was not best pleased . ( neither was i) we managed to pull her from said small river but she was covered in mud and soaked to the bones, fair play to her and her chest problems we were about 2 miles away from the car, and that's good : An achievement to be proud of but obviously not today, now that she was of muddy wet cold filthy attire / We got home eventually. where she had a nice hot bubble bath followed by hot chocolate and fluffy dressing gown, slippers and a small reasurrence talk on the question of (why do things just happen to me mum?) Of course i had no answer to that really as its obviously hereditary. Well this was the beginning of my shit week. Small person number 2 became unwell and so i have been stuck at home all week doing chest physio making up antibiotics and trying to maker her better,. I gave up work for lent though so that relieved a bit of the pressure. Myself and my significant other do not get out much these days without the sprogolites and so on this very Saturday night we had booked nanny and grampy to babysit so we could go to a local restaurant and have a romantic meal, courtesy of some very lovely friends who kindly paid the bill as a birthday present to my 'boy 40'. It was raining that night and quite stormy, I'm not sure what happened but it was getting quite late, the small people were at Nanny's and so we embarked on the said journey to the restaurant with not much time to spare. Bombing along the common boy 40 is moaning as apparently my right pisser was not working and the windscreen was filthy ( then i felt down by my foot as we reached said place and parked up , 'Pants' there right there was Small person 2's Asthma inhaler. ........... We started up the car.... fec. The Right pisser decided to work which was good now as boy 40 was driving very fast along country lanes and cow fields, (they weren't actual fields) but may as well have been by the amount of mud splashed up my car. Deed done we bomb back to said place to find that there are now no spaces in the car park.. fec. Boy 40 was really hungry now and if you have ever met a well fed son of a farmer who's hungry you will know that you have to feed him quite quickly to avoid possible fainting. / 'YOU CANT LEAVE TRIXYBELL THERE!!!! i shout over as he's running in to the pub out of the rain. ' That car is not a girl for the last time' he replied as i slip and fall in through the open door. I didn't really care of my unfortunate entrance as everyone looked sympathetic and that's kinda what i needed now, and wine of course bloody well lots of it. He had though just left 'my' car on double yellow lines opposite the place, and was of the opinion that 'any traffic warden out on a flimmin whithering heights night like this in the dark deserved to make a bit of cash' ( He was joking but that would happen to me / after 2 glasses of wine i didn't really care anymore just as we gave the order to the waitress the lights went out!!!!!!!!!! you couldn't make this up could you? It was the wind apparently ( it didn't matter we were happy enough by candle light talking all about our shit day! Power cut over The meal was really lovely and it ended up a splendifoirus night we went down the local after and skipped home about midnight. The week was all a bit boring really my Kylie ass has only made it to the gym once, We ate yellow kerplunk straws with our spaghetti bolognase (again) courtesy of child 3 who regularly puts them in the spaghetti jar, one day i will learn. Wednesday Graham the cat was playing with a new toy a piece of potpourri out of the bowl, or so i thought, she was having a lovely time playing football with it all around the downstairs for about half an hour. it wasn't until i took a closer look that i realised it was in fact a mouses head!!!!!!!! omfg. As you can imagine child 2 was screaming her head off standing on the sofa child 3 though was very interested in doing experiments on it and was taking a good old look / and daddy was not home, boy child was also out, i didn't know what to do what do you do?, i cant pull of the head of a prawn i certainly cannot pick up decapitated mouses head (, AND there is unbelievably no number to call for these kind of emergency's. We evacuated. All was well we were safely in my bedroom watching TV the head was far away, then i suddenly thought 'shit' if the heads in my front room where the hell is the body / ............. I still don't know whwere it is and its scaring the crap out of me. I planted some primroses the next day to make me feel a bit more cheerful, small person 3 came home from school and was delighted that these flowers had grown since she left that morning, I'm not gonna tell her the truth, she still thinks that fairy's live up in our woods too : That night small person 3 was marching about the house singing if i had a hammer (very loud) i wondered what id do if ('i ' had a hammer) .........this kind of turned in to a christian sing song. After that it was walk in the light of the lord, sing Hosanna, & keep me travelling along with you, fair play to child 3 she knows how to start a party she now had daddy and child 2 in a circle all doing cum by ya and a great rendition of my sweet lord on the living room rug with a tambourine. I made my sharp exit at this time and went to pick up boy child. Who incidentally has had his module year 11 results : chemistry 95% A* Physics 93% A* and biology 100% A* ........... get in!!! I'm er currently looking for sponsors for university btw ; And that's basically it apart from the day the census arrived. well excuse me you bunch of nosey gits what makes you think i have time to fill that in? no one normally wants to listen to what i have to say (part from 550 people on the stats ) ; (get in .. again) , How much money is that pile o crap going to cost us?? Boy 40 says ill go to prison if i don't fill it in, well bloody well send me there then, least i ll get free food, i bit of a rest and usage of a free gym, my Kylie ass will be well fit!!. When David Cameron or Nick Clegg feel like replying to my political protest (what was up on a bill board in the center of London for 2 weeks last year) (picked i was ; to do that !! Anyway when they feel like they have the time to listen to me and all my points raised and they can tell me why being self employed is so crap and why they don't give a crap that the building industry contractors are now earning less than 50% of what they were 3 years ago etc etc etc, 'Then' i will fill in your bollocksy census, thank you very much! So lets end on that bollocksy note, said artwork attached for your viewing. Happy Sunday to you campas have a smashing week, i have to go now because the smoke alarm is going off and i fear i have ruined dinner / P.s this is Monday and this is for fizzer follower number 3. Chatting today she reveals that this particular blog was not as full as she had expected, that's fine fizzer don't worry i can talk bollocks for hours, of course i cant tell anyone yet about my near death experience today with the toaster, or of my (angelic genius) boy child's new rock chick antics of last night, i cannot either tell you about the cat poo on my sock, the banana i threw up or the fact that i messed up big style in Argos by reserving the last product and forgetting the reservation number. / grrrrrrrr I cannot tell you either about how i have wrecked my new Dyson animal (and i cant tell that to Mr Me either) he'll go flimmin bonkers as I've only had it a few months / Hoover number 9 in our relationship ( I am gladly just about to embark on a Dr's visit , not glad that is that i have to take small person 2 to the doctor again because she has a large snot fest happening in her lungs, no because that's just doing my head in now. But glad because of the electrocution incident, (what i cant tell you about yet) off of this morning / Fec it nearly blew me to kingdom come (excuse my french) Lets say I'm having some after shocks wot are not pleasant, this may be my last blog in fact ( Don't all cheer you will never read bollocks like this ever again in your #life. It appears that i have said the word bollocks far too much in this blog and for that i can only apologise. It could be the PMT? i don't know, it often gives me the swearing terets, ( ill check my pmt guide later and look for the symptoms) My friend Sarah once got in to my car with a swear box wot she had kindly made me. i clocked up £250 just driving to Tescos. Yes i am ashamed of that and Mr Me says its very unlady like to swear, it is i agree but he's the first to laugh when a big bollocky rollocky swear word leaves my mouth what is twenty words long. Anyway hope you like the add on fizzer it didn't really tell you much you didn't know already as i only spoke to you an hour ago ; least I've gotton a good preview in for next weeks blog (and its only monday).............. if I'm still here of course. Toodle pip 505 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! get in ...............

Friday, 4 March 2011The stress the balloons and Aphrodite's chocolate fountain Greetings I write today with feelings of relief, slight embarrassment and a small headache which has been there since last Saturday / I don't mind admitting that I've spent the best part of a small fortune organising the biggest party of my significant others #life! its been baked beens for months to save up, i have spent months ironing out the fine details of this event, i have run about like a mad fly collecting this n that for said fantabalous evening. I shall back track for the moment to give you a feel of what its actually like to put on an occasion of this kind, (with 2 kids and a teenager in tow) So its a week to go i need to order balloons, catch up with Disco Dave who apparently has gone awol, i need cake candles, i need to make table dec's, i need to buy actual birthday presents, i need to make sure i have enough cash to pay everyone on the night and amongst all this i need to meet granny P for lunch because its half term. and its just a thang we always do. I used my time well and popped off to the nearest city Monday morning with my credit card, it does not take long to start spending money .....erm on myself, I cant help it i seem to have an addiction to shiny things, may be i was a magpie in a previous #life i don't know. Full of disastrous bones inside me i knocked off many clothes from rails, tripped over in to a lady trying to reach a very nice man bag from up high in Debenhams and made a nuisance of my self on the escalator. I did though Have a very nice young man try on a few jackets for me, with the said man bags, I'm not sure what my mum thought of that she had a strange embarrassed look upon her face, but i think the total stranger enjoyed being my model for this short while. I managed to purchase many items although child person number 3 was getting bored by this time, i could tell this by the way she was sat inside the sale rail amongst the shirts picking her nose, of course as usual when children get bored they tend to make enemy's. Although to be fair this guy she was homing in on was acting kinda weird. She mouthed to me ( rather loudly) that he was either a terrorist or a shop lifter indeed he could have been, but it turns out he was the security guard, she stared at him and he stared at her, in the end she decided he was probably a terrorist and so climbed out of the clothes (he was pretending to buy) and hid in my mums skirt, bogeys and all. I decided at this time it was probably best to break for lunch. We went upstairs to the restaurant bit, restaurant my Arse you had to serve yourself, i couldn't for the #life of me work out the coffee machine, i watched other people do it and made a prat of myself on about 4 occasions, me of little intelligence just gave up and had some of small persons orange juice. Tuesday was boring i needed to work, i mainly painted a frog. Wednesday was eventful, firstly i needed to chase up all of the people i had forgotten to invite to the said party, Because its been such a big secret I've been hiding hideous amounts of things all over the place, the downfall being about 3 invitations in my knicker draw which did not reach their destinations ( 2 on the floor in the car and one screwed up one underneath my drawing board. Things were also getting very scary now in the disco department, Disco Dave wanted a play list so i emailed him one, he was not to reply until the Friday leaving me having kittens that the disco would not be there at all, table decorations needed making Balloons needed buying and inflating and the presents needed wrapping, so what did i do??? i went out for lunch with Granny P. This was all well and good we went to a nice restaurant in 'that' small town where things just happen to me, and they em did , happen to me that is 'again' Never ever, let me warn you now, give a child a bowl of chocolate ice cream and then a chocolate milkshake after their lunch. It just doesn't work / Yes thank you very much. Small person number 3 sat in front of me and started looking a little green as she sucked up chocolate stuff through a straw, ' Erm do you think you should leave that for a bit??' I said knowing what was about to happen. 'Um yerse mum i don't think i feel very well!' I am by this time beginning to sweat and am actually praying inside my head 'please don't be sick, this place is packed and the volume inside your small belly is massive ' / ...... Attempting to make a sharp exit was possibly not the best idea at this time as the chocolate fountain was about to erupt, And errupt it did all over everyone who was unfortunate enough to be in the way. I kinda rambled embarrassed apologies to the staff and their customers and left that place quick sharp with chocolate girl and the rest of the family running behind. I did not look back and made my get away very fast in the car. ( Thursday was no better. This was the day for going to the bank, the card shop and the balloon shop. My car has been making a terrible claterry noises what were mainly coming from the engine, ( I was banned from driving it until the oil was checked. Giving me much displeasure i had to check my own oil!!!! grrrrrrr Worse was the fact that it had none in it at all, this meant that 'i' had to, i , me pwincess of my village had to put oil in my own car. How am i supposed to know what engine oil to buy? and indeed where to put it. The last time i had to do that sort of thing was when i was about 20 and had the crappiest car in the universe, it went five miles on 6 pints of water and had no brakes most of the time. That was a long time ago when i was happy to get greasy under a bonnet, since then i have rather ignored these things and they have all been fixed by magic. After much confusion me and small person of the biggest kind paid £36.00 for some oil, i then managed to spill it all over the engine which worried me immensely, i had to drive 20 miles what if it ignited and we all spontaneously combusted on the way to the balloon shop??. I was not sure to be honest if the balloons once inflated would even fit in the car, i have visions of tying them to the roof making me look like some kinda clown show ( ........so many worries. The first stop was to be my local town. I needed vast amounts of cash and because this particular building society is so crap i only have a book with what to withdraw this said money. So i get there and yes that's flipping fantastic its closed completely closed , the doors opened and i walked in in my stressed state, whats happened to the bank??? i ask this bewildered builder who is refurbishing the place. 'read the sign love' grrrrrrr 'don't you love me i have no time to find another stupid bank of the same kind', don't they know about my secret party? the whole world seemed to not know about my plight and the fine arrangements of the biggest party in my history. I was sure they just closed to piss me off, its happened before, more than once and also under stressful conditions. Ok compose yourself i thought it doesn't matter we will think about it later. The card shop was open so yeay that's good. They sell helium balloons there but the balloon shop further away said they'd blow up my normal balloons with the gigantic helium ones too, for cheaper. I buy cards and head off back to the car park grrrr ing at the men in the bank on the way. Its getting late by now the kids are starving, i rock up at the balloon shop but spot pizza hut in the corner of my eye, ill take them there for a treat i thought. That didn't work out either, we waited for 20 minutes then they said the Wait would still be another 45 minutes, Crap !! so we left, now its even later, i still have no balloons and no cash. Bollocks day part deux was about to unfold, i enter the balloon shop and they tell me kindly that the normal balloons will only stay up for 8 - 10 hours.................... WOT?? the party was over 48 hours away ( so i left empty handed, I've NOW wasted my entire day. I refused to do a burger drive through and the kids decide upon chicken and mushroom pot noodles (i don't know whats worse) I do a 2 miles detour to the shop on the way back, walk in and find an empty pot noodle stand (disaster) Its getting late now my food shopping was arriving soon and i had to go to 'that' small town again to visit their branch of the bank, Lunch done quick styley i bomb it over the hill. Its peeing down with rain and the small people are moaning (a lot) With fearful feelings of visiting the calamity town again i instruct child 1 and 2 to behave, that worked until we reached the said bank and child 2 walks all over a sheet of perspex of which a builder was about to put in the window, it now has muddy wet foot prints covering it, to be fair it wasn't really child number 2's fault the stupid idiot shouldn't have put it on the floor she thought it was some kind of rug ( I grab my cash and run. Its all really a blur until Saturday, the night of the big event. This day was crucial to the secret which has been kept for months staying that way. Shazza off of next door was my hider of billous amounts of balloons and she had also made a fantabalous chocolate cake in the shape of a farm, i had to get these things out of her house without him seeing. Making my excuses i let my self in through her back door, I'm scared witless by now, he was in the kitchen, with laden hands i limbo underneath the kitchen window legging it down the steps to the car as if my #life depended on it, Following a very near chocolate cake catastrophe i made it to the car and zoomed off to the pub, Boy Child and his girlfriend repeated these actions a little later on with the balloons. This was it i was now taking small persons 1 and 2 to their Nanny's, which was all part of the big plan. Nervous tum tum aches were now very present. It all went very smoothly until i arrived home to get ready and there was he, emptying his wardrobe all over our bedroom, i could not see the carpet and had to make myself beautiful for gods sake i only had 2 hours now. 'WTF' are you doing?? i asked, he was now overwhelmed by the immensity of what he had done, the wardrobe is more like a small room and was stacked out from top to bottom with clothes and general crap what needed sorting, i had secret guests coming this weekend and had spent hours making the house nice, the mess and clutter flowed out of my room and on to the landing like Niagara falls, this was gonna take a week to sort out the chances of it being put back together before guests arrived was a very slim one. So i got ready on the landing without a decent mirror, 30 minutes to go hes still sorting through it, i am bricking it inside now how the hell was i to get him down to the pub for 8 o'clock? Small persons 1 2 &3 are already there along with the 90 or so guests who are all arriving fast. 15 minutes to go and he comes to 'panicking inside' me saying what shall i wear??, he doesn't appear to notice that i look flippin gorgeous and have partyed myself up like never before, He holds up a pair of trousers from 1984 and says what about these??? I was sure in my mind he was winding me up now. 5 minutes to go and I discover that the front door is broken, by this point i was dying inside the biggest event of my #life is on hold down the pub because he has to get the screw drivers out and fix the door / Eventually (after making the journey quick sharp in 4 inch heals) we reach the pub. He receives massive applause the band play happy birthday and everyone joins in, it was the entrance i had planned and was absolutely fantastic, He had his mouth open in complete disbelief for most of the evening.Disco Dave however only had one mic for the karaoke but that was ok cause it was mostly me singing .......all night!!! : ; although the music and mic had a time delay so instead of sounding like my normal Kylie self it was a bit crap and i was 'very' disappointed with my performances, Ah well there will be more party's and better singing the next time. We all danced sang and drank and left the pub around 1 am, and the rest as they say was history.........