Saturday, 26 March 2011 Cowboy builders, Floating houses, Dead pet Lizards and small blue arses Afternoon, Evening or indeed good morning depending on where you are and of what time of day your boredom has kicked in so you have decided, to track down that crapalisious blog you've been reading for the past few weeks : This very week Probably two of the biggest things in my #life have happened to me and as ' is' #life i cannot reveal them, one for legal reasons and the other because as usual a series of unfortunate events have befallen me and made the 2nd thing a little uncertain. Its all very exciting i think, / and is sure to come out of my big gob soon, over the next few weeks or so so ill keep you updated, ill just say omfg it cannot be true............. / Grrrrrrr the night of the power cut. This week has also been VERY very boring to be truthful, mainly because of the thing number 2. what has erm happened / I have quite frankly had more fun being asleep, Insomniac island has only had one visit this week which is highly unusual. I'm not sure really though whats weirder, the island or the sleeping, ill run through a couple of my dreams, just to see if you think i need a shrink. OK first one, the real version and not the bridge version i have already released in 420 characters on facebook. / My friend Sonia and chef extraordinaire is getting married in June so i dreamt as one might of her hen night. The first thing which struck me as abnormal was the fact that Russell brand was driving the limo, he was driving too fast and i got scared, to attempt to slow him down i poured the gold fishes what were in bowls on the tables all through the slidey window in to his driving area. He didn't seem to think it odd though this strange thing i had done and just ate them. We were then in a massive theatre / hotel in the foyer which had a big chandellia hanging from the ceiling, looking back now it was an exact replica of the stair case in Buckingham palace. Robbie Williams was there dressed in a black suit, he smiled at me then disappeared in to thin air, the next thing i was sat on a bench with Cherie Blair, (in swindon of all places) she wanted some artists impressions of her new extension. Opposite us over the road were marching Brownies following a brass band, following them were all of Sonia's wedding guests. All of a sudden someone fired a massive toad in to the air, someone else then blasted it out of the sky sending toad explosion and guts and splattery stuff all over the windscreen of my car (which the bench had just turned in to) Cherie was horrified i don't mind saying and i didn't know where to put myself / That was dream one random enough you may think. Dream 2 was off of Tuesday I live in a new house although there are very many cowboy builder problems with it. The kitchen cupboard (which was full) fell off of the wall, all of the bathrooms leaked through the ceilings, the stair wall fell in half. Its so on the piss that You can stick your foot through the gap under my studio door but when the doors opened its flush to the floor. There are big cracks everywhere, the porch roof had to be replaced because it had massive holes in it, the floor tiles are cracked in the bathroom, there was a small crack in the bath, the sink has damage from a hammer wots been dropped in it, there are bits of skirting board missing, paint missing,( this ain't the dream btw ) all the floor boards creak there is a lump in the bedroom carpet, my bedroom window hasn't be fitted properly, there are gaping holes behind the sink and the patio was grouted with what seems to be tooth paste, a roof tile has fell off, and the leads fell off of the bin store roof, and next doors drain has collapsed and her drive way is caving in all thanks to our 'new' houses oh yeah and the 20ft bank behind it is crumbling !!! / .............omfg i told you things just happen to me ( Hey I've just realised why I've had this dream i don't need a shrink, in fact the dreams not as bad as the reality may be i just need some Valium ( Ill tell you the dream anyway because there are aspects of it of what i cannot explain I can though explain the flood i think this comes from when i flooded my last house, it was erm brand new and i wrecked it (all 3 floors) completely. ( Iindustrial dryers were situated in the downstairs for 8 weeks water cascaded down inside the walls at tremendous speed, i was outside flapping about in my wet socks asking for help in thestreet like a crazed penguin anyway ill tell you about that little baby another day ( I was in my house which was situated next to the river, i dream of this river a lot. Ive never seen it before and have no idea where it really is. Then the house started to shake and rumble all the kids were all home so i called them upstairs, an odd decision. I feel now that to have left the house would have been a safer option. The rumbles got worse this was when half of the house just fell off and floated down the river in a torrentt of white water, it was taken off far away and down a sideways waterfall, As dreams typically go it was very quickly the next day and i unfortunately only had half a house left in what to live, my dad was there and tutted about the fact that i had half a house and Said ' i told you not to buy a house from that man! never trust a man who wears green shoes'. ( (i have no recollection of any man ever wearing green shoes) I made him a cup of tea and said yeah sorry bout that Dad. I tried to make out that this was a normal thing what had happened but did say that we would have to drink it in the bathroom because the kitchen had fell off ( He didn't seem to mind to much but noticed how loud the water was, i said i presumed it was because i had no walls and he agreed, then he went. He pootled off in his car to pick up my mum who was at a new supermarket called Awvardo?? (don't ask me wtf that means but apparently they sold good bread with low cholesterol in it) That afternoon the house began to shudder again and crashed down in to a two story, the ground floor was now right underneath the water, Graham was missing but i was still angry about some killings she'd done that day so thought id look for her later, this was when the house started shaking again we all held on to the Bannister's and i was scared. Because most of the house was now under water the river level was massive, and had flooded the train track. from the top window i could see a long train coming (the London train which passes my house 4 times a day). to my horror it disappeared under the flooded river for a few minutes before it came back out of the other side. ( Then the house simply broke off and floated down the river resembling a clumsy kayak, As we all cascaded further and further down some floating terracotta barges appeared with primroses on them i stuffed the kids through the windows and on to them so they would be safe. The house went faster and faster with me in it smacking in to all sorts of stuff, it then transmogrified itself in to a canal Barge and crashed in to the end of the river, which is weird because i didn't think that rivers just ended like that, then a policeman knocked upon my window and said ' Have you got any idea what you have done??, you are in serious trouble!!' he then asked to see my train drivers licence, i tried to protest because of course i don't have one, why would i need one? but then i looked down and the transmogrified house barge was now an actual train , and no i didn't have a licence and so was arrested. Then my Mr Blue sky alarm clock woke me up so i don't know if I've been sentenced yet or anything, I tried to status update with that dream on Wednesday but had problems fitting it in to 420 characters. i would just like to say though facebookers that the London trains are all running fine as usual......... god arn't other peoples dreams boring? sorry about that. Ive been very tired all week and went to bed about 8pm Thursday night. Boy 40 had fallen asleep putting the small person to bed, When he falls asleep a nuclear bomb would not awaken him, he's slept through 3 baby's, police helicopters thunder storms, house alarms and even a small earth quake so he was fast fast asleep, dead to the world. I knew he was missing from the bed when i went to sleep and so think that this must have been on my mind. At around 11pm i was VERY rudely awoken by boy 40's sheer horrified terror, WHOOOOOOOAAAAAHHHHHHH he screamed out at a hundred million decibels sitting bolt upright whilst jumping out of his skin, I very nearly had a heart attack and woke up immediately, and also screamed. The trouble was it was 'me' he was screaming at!! i have this sleep walking habit, and was just standing in front of him just staring at him like some kind of apparition, so there we were, both screaming at each other in the middle of the night, Small person number 3 was woken up fro a split second, Boy 40 was sat up pale as you like holding his chest, i realised although confused at this point what i had done, and so sheepishly went and got back in to my bed and went to sleep, I told you i need a fly on the wall documentary that would have been classic viewing and surely would have earned me 250 quid on you've been framed.. I once woke up in the kitchen and often find myself running about the house looking for pets which i have imaginary lost. I think i will leave my night time behaviour there as i wouldn't want you to think I'm weird. Other markable events this week include the day i dyed child 3 blue, not intentionally, i mean who would have thought a pair of innocent jeans from primarni would turn your child in to an avatar? she did however love being this colour and refused to have a bath, so she went to bed with chubby blue legs and a blue bottom / Television this week revealed a lady who put the ashes of her beloved dead cat in to a 'build a bear' bear, you know the toy bears you make yourself at the shop, you stuff it with stuffing and buy hideously expensive clothes for them. Unfortunately child 3 also saw this program and proceeded to unstuff her £20 build a bear to see if it contained any dead animals / Talking of dead animals Graham the killer cat has been at it again, i was happily painting a unicorn for my African art exhibition (since i painted the white tigers wot don't live in Africa its kind of lost its way) but anyway I'm trying. Graham brought to me half of a lizard, i thought it was one of child 3's rubbery lizard toys so took not much notice at first, then i took a closer look and the poor little fella was still alive, just. I have to be very brave on this day because shazza off of next door my rescuer of anything mank was at work. I picked him up and got an old lunch box, filled it with rocks n stuff lizards like and popped him in it, the trouble was it was at this point i noticed its rather long tail on the floor downstairs / It wasn't long before i knew he would not survive, he opened his big lizard mouth twice, just like the fish did before he died, and then he was gone ( grrrrrrrrrrrr that bloody cat. If that wasn't bad enough child 3 then wanted to keep it for a pet, she carried it about for a few hours before deciding a funeral was its best option / Anyway that was it not many things like i said have happened to me this week, only in my sleep Back to normal next week i expect. I have to go now because i have just heard a faint whistle which has reminded me of the SOS call from the ship Titanic and boy 40 is having a big bonfire at the top of the garden / Toodlepip