Friday, 4 March 2011The stress the balloons and Aphrodite's chocolate fountain Greetings I write today with feelings of relief, slight embarrassment and a small headache which has been there since last Saturday / I don't mind admitting that I've spent the best part of a small fortune organising the biggest party of my significant others #life! its been baked beens for months to save up, i have spent months ironing out the fine details of this event, i have run about like a mad fly collecting this n that for said fantabalous evening. I shall back track for the moment to give you a feel of what its actually like to put on an occasion of this kind, (with 2 kids and a teenager in tow) So its a week to go i need to order balloons, catch up with Disco Dave who apparently has gone awol, i need cake candles, i need to make table dec's, i need to buy actual birthday presents, i need to make sure i have enough cash to pay everyone on the night and amongst all this i need to meet granny P for lunch because its half term. and its just a thang we always do. I used my time well and popped off to the nearest city Monday morning with my credit card, it does not take long to start spending money .....erm on myself, I cant help it i seem to have an addiction to shiny things, may be i was a magpie in a previous #life i don't know. Full of disastrous bones inside me i knocked off many clothes from rails, tripped over in to a lady trying to reach a very nice man bag from up high in Debenhams and made a nuisance of my self on the escalator. I did though Have a very nice young man try on a few jackets for me, with the said man bags, I'm not sure what my mum thought of that she had a strange embarrassed look upon her face, but i think the total stranger enjoyed being my model for this short while. I managed to purchase many items although child person number 3 was getting bored by this time, i could tell this by the way she was sat inside the sale rail amongst the shirts picking her nose, of course as usual when children get bored they tend to make enemy's. Although to be fair this guy she was homing in on was acting kinda weird. She mouthed to me ( rather loudly) that he was either a terrorist or a shop lifter indeed he could have been, but it turns out he was the security guard, she stared at him and he stared at her, in the end she decided he was probably a terrorist and so climbed out of the clothes (he was pretending to buy) and hid in my mums skirt, bogeys and all. I decided at this time it was probably best to break for lunch. We went upstairs to the restaurant bit, restaurant my Arse you had to serve yourself, i couldn't for the #life of me work out the coffee machine, i watched other people do it and made a prat of myself on about 4 occasions, me of little intelligence just gave up and had some of small persons orange juice. Tuesday was boring i needed to work, i mainly painted a frog. Wednesday was eventful, firstly i needed to chase up all of the people i had forgotten to invite to the said party, Because its been such a big secret I've been hiding hideous amounts of things all over the place, the downfall being about 3 invitations in my knicker draw which did not reach their destinations ( 2 on the floor in the car and one screwed up one underneath my drawing board. Things were also getting very scary now in the disco department, Disco Dave wanted a play list so i emailed him one, he was not to reply until the Friday leaving me having kittens that the disco would not be there at all, table decorations needed making Balloons needed buying and inflating and the presents needed wrapping, so what did i do??? i went out for lunch with Granny P. This was all well and good we went to a nice restaurant in 'that' small town where things just happen to me, and they em did , happen to me that is 'again' Never ever, let me warn you now, give a child a bowl of chocolate ice cream and then a chocolate milkshake after their lunch. It just doesn't work / Yes thank you very much. Small person number 3 sat in front of me and started looking a little green as she sucked up chocolate stuff through a straw, ' Erm do you think you should leave that for a bit??' I said knowing what was about to happen. 'Um yerse mum i don't think i feel very well!' I am by this time beginning to sweat and am actually praying inside my head 'please don't be sick, this place is packed and the volume inside your small belly is massive ' / ...... Attempting to make a sharp exit was possibly not the best idea at this time as the chocolate fountain was about to erupt, And errupt it did all over everyone who was unfortunate enough to be in the way. I kinda rambled embarrassed apologies to the staff and their customers and left that place quick sharp with chocolate girl and the rest of the family running behind. I did not look back and made my get away very fast in the car. ( Thursday was no better. This was the day for going to the bank, the card shop and the balloon shop. My car has been making a terrible claterry noises what were mainly coming from the engine, ( I was banned from driving it until the oil was checked. Giving me much displeasure i had to check my own oil!!!! grrrrrrr Worse was the fact that it had none in it at all, this meant that 'i' had to, i , me pwincess of my village had to put oil in my own car. How am i supposed to know what engine oil to buy? and indeed where to put it. The last time i had to do that sort of thing was when i was about 20 and had the crappiest car in the universe, it went five miles on 6 pints of water and had no brakes most of the time. That was a long time ago when i was happy to get greasy under a bonnet, since then i have rather ignored these things and they have all been fixed by magic. After much confusion me and small person of the biggest kind paid £36.00 for some oil, i then managed to spill it all over the engine which worried me immensely, i had to drive 20 miles what if it ignited and we all spontaneously combusted on the way to the balloon shop??. I was not sure to be honest if the balloons once inflated would even fit in the car, i have visions of tying them to the roof making me look like some kinda clown show ( ........so many worries. The first stop was to be my local town. I needed vast amounts of cash and because this particular building society is so crap i only have a book with what to withdraw this said money. So i get there and yes that's flipping fantastic its closed completely closed , the doors opened and i walked in in my stressed state, whats happened to the bank??? i ask this bewildered builder who is refurbishing the place. 'read the sign love' grrrrrrr 'don't you love me i have no time to find another stupid bank of the same kind', don't they know about my secret party? the whole world seemed to not know about my plight and the fine arrangements of the biggest party in my history. I was sure they just closed to piss me off, its happened before, more than once and also under stressful conditions. Ok compose yourself i thought it doesn't matter we will think about it later. The card shop was open so yeay that's good. They sell helium balloons there but the balloon shop further away said they'd blow up my normal balloons with the gigantic helium ones too, for cheaper. I buy cards and head off back to the car park grrrr ing at the men in the bank on the way. Its getting late by now the kids are starving, i rock up at the balloon shop but spot pizza hut in the corner of my eye, ill take them there for a treat i thought. That didn't work out either, we waited for 20 minutes then they said the Wait would still be another 45 minutes, Crap !! so we left, now its even later, i still have no balloons and no cash. Bollocks day part deux was about to unfold, i enter the balloon shop and they tell me kindly that the normal balloons will only stay up for 8 - 10 hours.................... WOT?? the party was over 48 hours away ( so i left empty handed, I've NOW wasted my entire day. I refused to do a burger drive through and the kids decide upon chicken and mushroom pot noodles (i don't know whats worse) I do a 2 miles detour to the shop on the way back, walk in and find an empty pot noodle stand (disaster) Its getting late now my food shopping was arriving soon and i had to go to 'that' small town again to visit their branch of the bank, Lunch done quick styley i bomb it over the hill. Its peeing down with rain and the small people are moaning (a lot) With fearful feelings of visiting the calamity town again i instruct child 1 and 2 to behave, that worked until we reached the said bank and child 2 walks all over a sheet of perspex of which a builder was about to put in the window, it now has muddy wet foot prints covering it, to be fair it wasn't really child number 2's fault the stupid idiot shouldn't have put it on the floor she thought it was some kind of rug ( I grab my cash and run. Its all really a blur until Saturday, the night of the big event. This day was crucial to the secret which has been kept for months staying that way. Shazza off of next door was my hider of billous amounts of balloons and she had also made a fantabalous chocolate cake in the shape of a farm, i had to get these things out of her house without him seeing. Making my excuses i let my self in through her back door, I'm scared witless by now, he was in the kitchen, with laden hands i limbo underneath the kitchen window legging it down the steps to the car as if my #life depended on it, Following a very near chocolate cake catastrophe i made it to the car and zoomed off to the pub, Boy Child and his girlfriend repeated these actions a little later on with the balloons. This was it i was now taking small persons 1 and 2 to their Nanny's, which was all part of the big plan. Nervous tum tum aches were now very present. It all went very smoothly until i arrived home to get ready and there was he, emptying his wardrobe all over our bedroom, i could not see the carpet and had to make myself beautiful for gods sake i only had 2 hours now. 'WTF' are you doing?? i asked, he was now overwhelmed by the immensity of what he had done, the wardrobe is more like a small room and was stacked out from top to bottom with clothes and general crap what needed sorting, i had secret guests coming this weekend and had spent hours making the house nice, the mess and clutter flowed out of my room and on to the landing like Niagara falls, this was gonna take a week to sort out the chances of it being put back together before guests arrived was a very slim one. So i got ready on the landing without a decent mirror, 30 minutes to go hes still sorting through it, i am bricking it inside now how the hell was i to get him down to the pub for 8 o'clock? Small persons 1 2 &3 are already there along with the 90 or so guests who are all arriving fast. 15 minutes to go and he comes to 'panicking inside' me saying what shall i wear??, he doesn't appear to notice that i look flippin gorgeous and have partyed myself up like never before, He holds up a pair of trousers from 1984 and says what about these??? I was sure in my mind he was winding me up now. 5 minutes to go and I discover that the front door is broken, by this point i was dying inside the biggest event of my #life is on hold down the pub because he has to get the screw drivers out and fix the door / Eventually (after making the journey quick sharp in 4 inch heals) we reach the pub. He receives massive applause the band play happy birthday and everyone joins in, it was the entrance i had planned and was absolutely fantastic, He had his mouth open in complete disbelief for most of the evening.Disco Dave however only had one mic for the karaoke but that was ok cause it was mostly me singing .......all night!!! : ; although the music and mic had a time delay so instead of sounding like my normal Kylie self it was a bit crap and i was 'very' disappointed with my performances, Ah well there will be more party's and better singing the next time. We all danced sang and drank and left the pub around 1 am, and the rest as they say was history.........