Saturday, 9 April 2011Spaghetti, Meat ballsand Why Tiffanys woolly jumper was a health and safety nightmare. Yo Followers 3 AND 900 secret readers on the stats!!! 900 bloody hell that's more than i have friends on facebook....... ........By about 718. I come with exciting news on this lovely sunny day, well exciting for me but perhaps not for the rest of the world, with ears. Yesterday i was invited to become part of a new girl band !! well i use the term 'girl band' loosely as we are all thirty something and have to use oil of olay............. Anyway im glad im a singer at last and I'm glad that i put all of that effort in to the Kylie Ass as its obviously paying off. Our first gig is 2 weeks Thursday which is slightly worrying because i don't know 'any' words to the song / !!! Also my fellow band members have not yet seen my dancing / except for one of them but that was very late on a saturday night after 20 pints of wine, so i cant see that that counts. Secondly i would like to proudly announce that the 'British comedy zone' is following me on twitter!! (i tweet this shite blog on twitter now dont you know) how exciting! I feel though they may be making up a case against me for their solicitors, for crimes against comedy writing ( Although seriously, this isn't really comedy and i dont find it remotely funny. Its my #life and i cant help it. Its always been there. I just had to keep it all inside before. Thank god for this blog and facebook its saves me thousands of pounds in therapy. This week has been especially busy Monday involved many separate adventures. The first being a trip to the childrens hospital with child 2 for blood tests. I am now sorry to say at the very top of her get it list for taking her there, followed by Gordon Brown and the guy who stepped on her foot in the shop ( To be fair It was not as traumatic as i first thought it would be. I had a small accident with the numbing (anesthetic) cream, I squeezed it on her arms in the places which were to be punctured, much to child two's distress. May be i shouldn't have hidden the appointment from her i don't know?, because this made her more angry, there was a bit of a kerfuffle which resulted in me actually ingesting some of the said cream, and spreading it down my face, this caused hideous dribbling and after a while one side of my mouth and tongue was completely numb, again i looked like Quasimodo, god knows what it done to my insides. But im sure i could have even eaten one of my cakes and it wouldn't of hurt. With no time to spare as per usual i discovered that i had no plasters to cover up the cream on her arms, the doctor rummaged through the nurses cupboards for me the previous Monday (oooer) and had found me some wadding, but me being me i lost it. ( Quick thinking my brain told me to use cling film, which was good until we had to remove it in front of the nurses at the hospital, then i looked a little foolish. I wish i hadn't put so much on it was like unwrapping an evil mummy, Child 2 is very stubborn and if shes doesn't want to participate she wont, luckily daddy was there which helped immensely with comunication as she does not talk to people on her get it list at all. The two nurses were also on the get it list by now and so was the clingfilm ( Bloods done and nurses wishing to change careers, we whizzed back up the motorway, Child two decided to take me off of her get it list if we took her to the pub for lunch so we did. I shan't say which pub we went to but neither i or boy 40 had been there before.............. i know why now, it really needs Ruth Watson to sort it out, the only people in there were an old couple who were about 105, and they matched the surroundings well. My god the stuff wot was coming out of their mouths was unbelievable !! I would call them upper upper bonkers class so far removed from normal human beings like you wouldn't believe. We ate the 70's food didn't brave the toilets and as we left they were slagging of some single mother who apparently lives in a caravan with 5 children ( by different men don't you know) how the hell the old farts knew this fact i don't know. but the old lady met her at a bus stop and took an instant dislike to her. I met a person at a bus stop once i thought she was my friend and she turned out to be the antichrist, may be its just the bus stops round here i dunno, anyway shes also got 4 cats she smokes 'ciggarettes' and so do her kids (probably) i made that bit up but anyway she is a right potty mouth, and they have taken steps to evict her!!............ hey i think i might know that gal she used to live on an estate near where i used to live. Anyway next job was to race over to Nanny's to drop off small person who was now 'full' of dreadful old people stories to tell them. ( and she did Nanny was very interested to hear about the low #life hobo who was arrested in posh mans kitchen smelling of urine and filth ( he was probably the old sods gardener) if the truth was known. But it gave child 2 and the grandparents some entertainment for the afternoon. So now it was for a meeting at the solicitors office, why do they always speak like its 1824 ?? i came out of there knowing less than i do now, it probably cost a hundred quid. So now to more travelling through the country side for another meeting with an architect who charges about six grand an hour. By now we were running very late and i only had time for a packet of cheesy wotsits for my tea before venturing off to see a clairvoyant at a Friends house. I have to say she was very good but all she told me was that my washing machine was broken, i already knew that but how the hell did she?? did i smell ? may be my clothes looked dirty ?? May be she had been talking to thae lady in buskins off of Nailsworth, she thinks im a tramp! She did not though however tell me of my big secret wot is still a secret. of what i am still keeping......I'm sure she should have known about that ? bloody hell its massive! Ah well On Tuesday child 3 made a shrinkernator at school, I'm currently selling them for £19.99 This is the Baddie shrinkernator to you and me it looks like an empty lemonade bottle on top of an orange juice bottle with some bendy pipe cleaners inside. Well you are very much mistaken, apparently if you put bad peoples arms inside the top it will drag them inside and shrink them, i have no reason to believe it does not work as i haven't bumped in to any bad people since she bought it home, i will however be taking it out in to town today to try it out, i shall also take it to the police station to see if they want to buy some in bulk, Its Saturday night tonight so they may well be interested.Child 3 has also been up to her usual mischief this week, amongst many other things she got her big toe stuck in to the ring on the dogs collar / the only problem was was that the dog was still wearing it.A small child with a black labrador attached to it on a wednesday night was a inconvenience i could have done without quite frankly. it took many attempts to free said childs toe and I'm not sure who was more frightened her or the dog.Talking of small person 3 i am having trouble in concentrating on these words, she is currently stair surfing on a giant spongebob pillow, child 2 is laughing loudly at her. Boy 40 is singing in the kitchen and i really wish they would all be quiet, this is my therapy time, its the only me time i get in a week when i need quiet, just so i can get all of these things down, if one thing gets left inside me it will build up in to nervous tension and come out in some other way which may not be pleasent. I got rid of the dead cake mix by the way, a very kind friend gave me some more, only i left it in the car all day in the hot weather, when i realised it was actually bubbeling in the heat ( I'm not sure if we will all get food poisoning from that now, i may just have to give the cake to the dog ( My washing machine is still broken ( but the magic fairys still have it all under control. Ive never had so many clean piles of washing that all smells different ;Excuse me i just need to shout at my family to shut it just for 5 more minutes ..........*****............ Ok done. Well that just leads me nicely to finish on the Tiffany Jumper fiasco. I have this jumper its big and woolly with bat wing sleeves i call it my 'Tiffany' jumper as in the singer Tiffany off of the 80's. I always have to sing the song and do that weird crazy dance when im wearing too it because i do actual proper look like Tiffany. I wear it mostly when im working as it is a little scruffy, Its really quite an annoying jumper im always finding myself hanging off of various knobs on cupboards and it grabs hold of every door handle it can find, catapulting me in all directions ( i really dont know how the poor girl coped. Did they have to take out extra public liability insurance when she toured ?Small person 2 had a few days off of school this week due to a vaccine which made her unwell, her temperature was very high, i was trying to work, i did not realise the thing my jumper had done until her physio lady popped round to say hi. Sitting beside her i suddenly noticed blue thick stuff all over number two's forehead, (she had been asleep and was completely unaware of the colour of her face) it was also all over the sofa cushions and everywhere else i had been. I couldnt work out for the #life of me what it was, and then i realised, my Tiffany jumper had picked up rather a lot of paint on its long baggy sleeve and had proceeded to splatter everything in its path with it / Miss physio asked child 2 kindly 'have you been painting? today thats nice. ' No she replyed ive been watching Tracy beeker all day.Now i look like ive randomly painted my childs head with blue paint ( why would i do that? Grrrr that stupid jumper it was emulsion and took ages to remove.I looked a little more closely at the sleeve on my jumper i hadn't really been aware of its talents before. It was disgusting, all sorts of crap was hanging off of it, bits of straw from the hutches, the odd cat food biscuit and lord knows what else. I did not realise what a health hazard it really was. Thankfully i avoided another catastrophy that evening. NEVER wear your Tiffany jumper if you are to use all four gas rings on the stove. I was greatful in the end of the stuff of what my sleeve had un wittingly collected during the day because when i caught it on fire the different dangelling off smells hit my nose much sooner.Spaghetti and meat balls certainly had a fragrant twist that evening, Well thankfully its a lovely sunny day the kids are now outside bouncing on the trampoline with the dog / its all gone quiet here, I think im alone now, there doesn't seem to be anyone around................ And thats good because the cat has just farted.until next time ; x