Being up so high,
I feel like God.
Untouchable, untraceable,
Unleashing all the unattainable

I’ve been on mountain tops before.
Where they defined me at strange times,
I manipulated them to my needs.
The adrenaline, the dopamine, it peaks here.

There’s no stopping.
I am as light as air,
Float beyond the reaches of the modern day
I do not feel human.

I do not ’live’ or simply ‘exist’
I am.
My presence holds power alone
That ignites an internal flame no one dares to put out.

I pass the world by,
Experienced in flashes,
The universe bares no weight on my shoulders
This is the freedom I thirst for.

I blink

The air I once floated on
Cuts through me like a knife.
I peer the edge of the mountaintops
Seeing the backslide, susceptible to despair

The world passes me by,
Experienced in flashes
The universe drags me to the bottom
These chains bind me to my humanity.

I do not ‘live’ or simply ‘exist’
I cease.
I wither in the shadows,
The bitter blackness silences my soul.

Crash into rock bottom,
I am heavy, beneath all things
I cripple under the weight of the world
I do not feel human.

I’ve been at the bottom before
Where it’s defined me at strange times,
Its needs manipulated me.
The dread, the fear, it peaks here.

Being so low,
I feel like an ant.
Minuscule, muffled
Muddling through the meaningless

I blink

The darkness fades, the weight lifts
I fear being up so high in the air
As I fear what can happen below
All circling back in a blink

Sometimes
I want to scream into the void
And ask
Does it matter?
Did it make a difference?

Blame
I put myself at fault
Because who else is responsible for me but me?
My actions, my emotions,
All the events happening to around me

I own it.
I own my mistakes so I can learn from them
So I blamed myself
Because somehow, I should’ve known better, done more

Now, I realize I was a child
The world was beyond my control
There is nothing I could’ve done to change the outcome
Which digs the hole deeper of shame

I wonder how the hole became
Why it started
Who dug it so deep all this time
And I remember you bringing the shovel.

You were putting the shovel to use
You were helping the shovel by giving it a home.
And although the shovel made mistakes in the past,
You were the forgiving person here to give them an opportunity.

You never considered yourself a saint,
But always considered your position as one to give from.
I wonder if you know how many of these people you invested in
Dug the hole for me.

I wonder if it makes any difference at all.
If you didn’t know, shouldn’t you have?
As the parental unit, you should’ve known
That these strangers were sexually abusing me.

You must’ve had some inkling that these people
Needed your help because they needed help
But in more ways than a logical one
And if you did know what you were bringing,

You are as responsible for digging the hole
Just as them.
I want to blame you, I want to shame you
All I can do is blame me

Because you always told me I should know better
Look at the people coming in and out of the house
Learn from them and their mistakes
I am one of their mistakes.

I’m one of yours too.
I was a child, you were accountable for me
Yet no one held you to that
But it was prized to you, to blame me.

Blame the step-daughter,
Who was a perfect student, “the golden child”
Who suddenly struggled to stand straight
Because of the holes beneath her.

In the end,
It changes nothing.
You are the same person 14 years later,
I’m just the last one you traumatized.

I’m not going to understand it.
Events from 10 years past
Haunt me in the present
They are just as beyond my control now as they were then
I remember the hatred, the disdain
I confided in someone
And ended feeling betrayed
I couldn’t understand it.
So much of me blamed me
So much of my soul said it was my fault
So little trust in those around me
I sat at the bottom of an ocean alone.
I rescinded everything,
Did everything to try to pretend it never happened,
Refused to discuss, refused to seek help
The confusion fed my delusion
Because I was always “the responsible one”
“ The Golden Child“
How could I, The shining trophy,
Create such a stain on my history?
The easiest answer was to erase it.

I see now
It was only the beginning.
There’s no way I could’ve known
And it was never my fault.
I had no idea. I could’ve never understood it.
While I’m tempted to blame those who should’ve protected me,
It does no use.
They cannot hurt anyone else with their lack of perspective
I was the last in line.
They are too grown to change.
The roles are different now.
I can’t begin to understand it all
There is no way for me to fix what was broken
There’s no way to give this knowledge to me 10 years ago.
As much as I continue to try and heal,
The hatred, the disdain, the trauma
Lives in the shadows
A reminder what I’ve been through
A motivator to prevent it for others.
The darkness will continue to breed my lack of understanding
I use it to find the light and the peace
In teaching others to swim.

Life itself isn’t dis-interesting
The opportunity paints itself brightly across your face
Puzzled by the intricacy
I’m motivated to find my place

Searching for a permanent resting location,
One where I can claim my own peace
Stumble upon the graceful shadows
Shape shifting to the tune of release

The hope of home is intangible.
Innate as it is ethereal,
Existence exhausts itself to extraordinary lengths
To discover there is no reprieve

With a mountain to witness from the secure darkness
Another to conquer in fearful blindness,
The transparency of dreams are a lighthouse
To the opaque realism of what it would take to achieve them.

The sun continues forth,
Altering in overpoweringly minuscule ways.
Peace is an ongoing process, prying itself from permanence
I continue to exist.