Alpha Male? I have a friend at work. He's a bit posh. Ex RAF. Very insecure. Not getting much lady action since his divorce. I like him. The other day he came out with a beauty- 'Jay, I've decided i need to be more 'alpha male.' Im going to grow a beard. It'll be my own personal homage to George Michael.' After spitting my coffee out I had to confirm if he intended to be so funny. His face told me he hadn't a clue!

How Lucky Are We? How lucky are we?  How lucky are we to have heating How lucky are we to have light How lucky are we to be eating How lucky are we to have sight How lucky are we to be walking How lucky are we to have love How lucky are we to be talking How lucky to have birds up above How lucky are we to have choices How lucky to have good health How lucky are we to have voices And not be consumed by wealth We should take each day as a blessing We are not guaranteed the next breath #life is a game of guessing A roller coaster ride until death!

Michael Douglas Monday Was sat on my sofa a short time ago. Minding my own business. Watching re-runs of Streets of San Francisco, as you do on 'Michael Douglas Monday.' My peace was disturbed by a very strict 140bpm thudding which vibrated through the gaff. I gave it a minute or so, thinking that whichever boy racer parked in the street was playing this monotonous beat would leave or at least turn their corsa off. The thudding went on. I looked through the front window. All cars empty. I looked through the side window. All cars empty. Could it be Ron next door? He's about 60. Never made a noise in 10 years so I doubt he'd develop a penchant for Teutonic Dance music at his age. I sat down again. Seething. Less than a minute of thudding and my heckles were risen. I again walked to the front window. All cars empty. I again walked to the side window. All cars empty. I began to walk into the kitchen when I noticed I was walking differently. My knees were raising higher than usual and we're going out, rather like a shoddy impression of a cockerknee. My arms were also shaking weirdly, like a very quick chicken dance. I think I was ready for action. The thudding was louder in the kitchen so the car must be parked in the rear alleyway. Selfish bloody bazzers. Walking back to the living room I began to hatch a plan, arms still strangely poultry like and legs ever so Del Boy. In my head, I was telling myself that my checked shorts and drum corps t shirt wasn't the correct attire for confrontation. 'Jeans and jumper, with my manliest trainers.' I thought to myself. 'I'll go out and speak to them. Bloody youths with their fondness for amphetamine and Teutonic techno. I'll show them who's in charge with firmness and reasoned argument.' I thought I'd have one last listen and stood near the cat flap. Dum dum dum dum went the beat. All of a sudden the beat stopped. Exactly the same time my washing machine stopped I carried on listening. No sound. Washer started again. Seconds later the beat returned. It didn't click. On with the jeans, jumper and manliest trainers (Walsh, in case you're wondering) One last listen. When I saw the suds in the washer pulsing to the same beat as the bloody boy racer ICE it dawned on me I may be in the market for a new washing machine.

Kit Kat Complaint Letter I bought a Kit Kat. It was absent wafer. It made be sad , so I wrote this letter of complaint and posted it! Dear Sir, Firstly, may I convey my appreciation to you on re-introducing the Kit Kat Chunky Orange flavour, albeit for a limited time only. It truly is a marvel of chocolate loveliness. I regularly purchase this fine chocolate bar and am thoroughly impressed with the perfect mix of chocolatey goodness and crispy wafer crunchiness. On Thursday 5th June 2014 I purchased a Kit Kat Chunky Orange bar from the Sainsbury’s local store in Stockton Heath. I headed back to my place of work with the bar in my pocket, resisting the temptation to rip the wrapper and devour the bar whilst walking in anticipation of sitting down for a well-earned rest. I was indeed looking forward to the time I could actually ‘have a break, have a kit kat.’ After a short while I was finally able to take time out of my busy day to sit and savour the delicious bar with a cup of freshly brewed tea. I sat down and carefully unwrapped the special edition wrapper to my most highly anticipated treat. My senses were overjoyed at the orange fragrance emanating from the newly torn foil wrapping. I was salivating at the thought of biting through the thin layer of silky chocolate and crunching down on the crispy wafer filling underneath. The crunch really is the pinnacle of the Kit Kat experience. Other bars may compare on the orange chocolate scale however it is the crispy wafer which sets the Kit Kat apart. Imagine my disappointment when I bit into the bar and almost broke my tooth when I found that the bar I had purchased was absent the crispy wafer I so longed for. After the initial shock of the solid block of chocolate refusing to crack open in its usual submissive way I was filled with a kind of melancholy I have not experienced since first finding Milli Vanilli did not actually sing lead vocals on their chart topping hits such as ‘Girl You Know Its True.’ Hoping against all hope I then turned the bar around and hesitantly bit into the opposite end of the bar in a vain attempt to find the crispy wafer my taste buds yearned for. Again, disappointment hit me like a sledgehammer in the pit of my stomach as I realized my quest for crispy was in vain. Ordinarily I would have chomped away at the remainder of the chocolate however, as stated earlier, it was the Kit Kat crispy my heart was set on. If I simply wanted orange flavour chocolate I would in all honestly have purchased a Terrys Chocolate Orange. The level of despondency I felt made eating the remainder of the chocolate an experience I simply could not put myself through. It has taken me by complete surprise how much this has affected me. I am usually a stoic and upstanding member of society but I now feel the urge to play EMO youth favourites ‘Fall out Boy’ and ‘My Chemical Romance’ on a loop on my mp3 player. I have posted the offending bar back to you as evidence of the grave error your company has made in the manufacturing process. I do not think it is an exaggeration to say that this experience has destroyed my faith in the whole Kit Kat experience. I am patiently awaiting your reply. Yours faithfully Jay

Richard III Richard III's body was found buried under a car park in Leicester. He died in 1485. The 1st modern car was invented in 1886 by Karl Benz. Why did they have car parks 400 years before the car?