Squealing Meat Monday, 29/10/12 An entire week has passed since my last entry, but, I'm reporting from an iPad (leant to me by W as opposed to my fiddly iPhone) in an effort to make this entry more palatable. Although it has been a week, if feels like much more. If you have been following, last Monday was my 'big' interview to which I went into great detail. After many difficult conversations with my family and partner (W) during the week we had set up a loose plan had I received good news. Although this prospect would've embraced a lot of struggle, I felt vindicated that it would have been for a good cause after seeing a direction take shape. Unfortunately I received an e-mail this morning confirming my fears and it's hard not to feel like I'm back at square one. In some ways this is the outcome I ideally wanted. When I wrote my previous entry I had been so overwhelmed by the strain and change that comes with an opportunity like this that I had no time to focus on the positives, all the while completely enamoured by the whole thing. It almost feels cruel that I allowed myself to think I was capable of entering a world where these sorts of opportunities would come to people like me. As you can tell it's easy for me to fall into a pit of despair. But I'm trying very hard not to cry and be melodramatic. Things happen, things get better. I must stop taking things personally and soldier on if I ever want to find what I'm looking for. At least with this 'lesson' I have come closer to understanding what I'd like to do. Which means I am still ahead of where I was so all is not lost. As for my personal #life, I mentioned that W moved closer to his work in order to cut his tedious commute from my home town and he's been here just over a week. We're not seeing each other next weekend so it made sense to visit this weekend (and that it follows payday and we were poor the last time we saw each other.) I am getting used to being this side of London though I feel a sense of home sickness wherever I am at the moment because I miss my family, my cats and my things when I'm here, but when I'm there I miss him. As for friends, it's a bit of a mixed bag. V just got some fantastic news about a job she went for and started last monday and I'm so happy for her as it's in some ways it's her dream job. On the other side of things, J received some very bad news while on her 'once-in-a-#lifetime' travelling holiday in NZ/AUS and is struggling a bit and it's difficult to support her from so far away. I did manage to reassure one friendship this week but we'll have to see how that goes. And another is in America but might be just out of Hurricane Sandy's path. We'll have to see. As for me, I feel a little glum but not too much. I feel like I need to get out and think so I will meet W from work but stop by Starbucks on the way.

Nothin' but a fat Rat Race Monday, 22/10/12 Isn't it scary when so much can happen in one day? So many things that could open up many possibilities. Nothing solid. Nothing confirmed. But just enough hints so's to make your brain whir along at a thousand miles an hour until you're physically and mentally exhausted. Today was the big internship interview and although I have absolutely no indication either way of the outcome, I am terrified. There is so much of my #life that is unforeseeable and uncertain that it seems to be difficult to steer through the problems even if there is a possibility I might get a break. It seems for every good thing that comes into my #life, there is also the implication of a negative, so it makes it hard to appreciate. To get to the point, this internship would be a once in a #lifetime opportunity, but the terms for doing it are almost impossible considering my circumstances. These were things I have learnt about the position today, already in too deep. If I'm offered it, I would be a fool to turn it down. But, if I accept it, it could make the next 3 months incredibly difficult for myself and pretty much everyone I care about. It's very difficult to consider these consequences. I spent all weekend preparing for this interview, intent on doing my best and hopefully winning them over, but now I wish I hadn't. I'm almost here hoping that I'm not in the running for this position, purely because if I were picked I know It would be stupid to accept and It would be stupid to decline. At least if they don't want me i've not made the choice and therefore do not have to live with the consequences. Oh what a terrible coward I am.

"Shoot for the Moon... ...Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.” Saturday, 20/10/12 As you may know, (from reading my previous blog entry) that today is moving day for my partner. You may also know from, said blog entry, that we both have several hesitations surrounding our compromise to live apart. Today was as immediately grim as I thought it would be. The experience of 'new house' shopping nearly brought me to tears on several occasions. I never thought walking round Ikea could be so tortuous. I hated myself for being so utterly selfish and inconsiderate and was an emotional mixture of scathing self-hatred and utter misery. Against the threat of flooding tears, I held back expressing my utter devastation that I couldn't be a complete part of all of these new experiences. I knew I was being terrible company but I was trying desperately to be positive, knowing at some point in the next three days I'd have to say goodbye and be alone during the week. It highlighted to me my obvious, shocking dependency (I'd always felt I was fiercely independent) and also realisation of how important my partner is in my #life. It was a humbling realisation because for such a long time I'd tried to take the 'weight off' metaphorically in our relationship. But, I digress, I don't wish to become repetitive. Ironically, I received some extremely good news on Friday regarding my prospects for the future. Last Wednesday, an act of blind ambition, saw me apply for an extremely desirable internship. The key roles being something I know I am capable of doing. But the company is an extremely famous and luxurious brand. So to apply felt very silly but I did anyway. And, in the spirit of the title of this blog, I have an interview on Monday. So, maybe the #quote is right?

Saturday is moving Day. Thursday, 18/10/12 Being left behind is an outstandingly difficult position to be in, especially if it's the last thing that either sides of a relationship planned or wanted. My astonishingly talented better half has been employed by a rather well known publishing firm for a matter of months now, and with all new jobs, comes his inevitable move closer towards his respective office. Since we graduated in July we both had (albeit naïve) expectations and ambitions as to how soon our prospective careers would begin. Whereas my partner's has exploded quite magnificently, mine has well, err.. failed to ignite, shall we say? Our current residence is a commuter town (which I grew up in) and since graduating we have lived here due to it's connections with the city. Our stay here has always 'meant' to be temporary until we could move closer to the city and we'd always planned to move together but there are so many things that make this probability an impossibility. My prospects are still extremely uncertain and the commute is killing my partner (a total of 5hrs a day commute.) Although I am glad he won't have to put himself through the 6am alarms and 8pm returns during the winter, I will miss him terribly. I feel so much about him moving away. A lot of pride because I have seen him achieve his ambition and dreams, A lot of guilt because I can't follow him on my own steam of achievements, and a lot of sadness because I can't be the person who he has all those 'first house/flat things of a working career' experiences. Perhaps it's selfishness that I 'expect' to share such intimate parts of his developing #life but I'd come to expect I'd be there from our unrealistic dreams of the future. I suppose it's hard letting things develop of their own accord and also accepting the speed in which the universe will take in getting one's #life moving. It is very hard to not berate myself and fall into the trap of negativity. Believing in yourself is a hard thing to do when your partner (whom up until graduation, shared equally in experiences) is doing so fantastically well. I do not resent his success, but more so resent my 'failures' (or so, how I perceive them) It prays much on my mind that I may never come into my own or be in a position to move and join my partner nearer the city. I know that a lot of this is caused by the difference of determination on our part. There is no doubt in my mind that my partner is where he is because he does not deserve it. He has worked hard, consistently, and defeated any obstacles that have come in his way. This is because he knew where he wanted to go and did it. I on the other hand have never had this kind of determination about anything. It is not that I am apathetic, lazy or boring. I just haven't found the right direction to apply my energy. This bother's me on a regular basis and is the constant source of many depressive whirlpools which (Christ only know's how) my partner is the only one to get me out of. As you can see, there are many issues surrounding the moving which are relatively unpleasant for both of us. I am scared that I will crumple being left to fend for myself up against the stresses I bring upon myself. I am also scared that my partner might (quite rightly) begin to view me as a great weight pulling him down. I know that these fears border into the irrational but these things sometimes have an unpleasant way of outing themselves (if they become true) when embarking upon a long distance relationship. I am a very nervous and cautious person as you can tell. I suppose, there are many reasons why being left behind is a difficult position to be in. Some big, some little but in essence all problems with no immediate resolution.