Sperm Jar An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing..' The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

Wrong Approach Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."

Husband Ashes A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter... Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. "Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" "Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!" "Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money." Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes.

3 Mice In A Bar Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times." The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day." The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."

New Teacher Is a dove a doo Dad Is a doo a dove Is a cow a coo Dad A sparrow jist a spyug And is a wall a waw Dad Is a dog a dug She's gonny warm ma ear Dad Instead o' skelp ma lug. Ma teacher's awfy posh Dad She changes aw oor names Wee Shugie now is Hugh Dad And Jimmy's ayeways James I'm scunnered wi' it aw Dad The way she shoogles words A must be glaickit no' tae ken That feathered friends are burds. Ye lernt me all wrong Dad Ye called a ball a baw Yur wife is now my Mother You said it wis ma Maw Ah'm no share hoo tae spell Dad Ah'll niver pass ma test Whit is this ah'm wearin' Dad A simmet or a vest. Ah gave ma nose a dicht Dad When it began tae dreep She gave me sich a fricht Dad A nearly fell aff ma seat Haven't you a handkerchief She roared as if in pain No, a jist use ma sleeve, Miss And wiped ma nose again. Ah cawd a mouse a moose Dad Ah shid hiv held ma tongue That's manure on yir bits Dad Nae longer is it dung It's turnips and potatoes No tatties noo and neeps She said I'd ripped ma trousers When I'd only torn ma breeks. There's twa words fir awthin' Dad They're jumbled in ma heed Hoo kin a be well bred Dad When ah keep sayin' breed Now is a crow a craw Dad Is a bull a bul Ah'll try to git it richt Dad I will, I will, ah wull.