Creeping To The Club I have been having an awesome time in my hometown visiting my family. Let me tell you about my Tuesday. First, I let my girl know that I was going to lunch with my friend. She says to me, “It better be just a friend.” So I was pissed at her and I went off on her, but I calmed down. I told her that I love her and she should know I’m being true to her. She should be able to feel it in her heart and if she doesn’t trust me, I can’t prove that I’m being faithful to her. It’s impossible. I then told her how much I love her and how a long distance relationship is gonna be hard and if she can’t handle it let me know now. I don’t want to get anymore involved if she’s not going to be able to come through for me. I love that woman with so much in me, it’s ridiculous. Ok, so next my friend says, “You wanna go out tonight?” I say, “Hell yeah. Let’s kick it bitch!” I told my girl and she was pissed. I could tell, because she gets two nights off a week and Tuesday is one of them. She went to the club with her friend on Saturday so I felt like she couldn’t really claim. I told her I don’t mind if she dances with girls. She replied, “I don’t know how you do it." So, we go to this club that one of my sister’s happen to work out. Let me just say it’s ghetto out here. The way they dress. They’re in the club smoking blunts. That had me tripping. so let me break it down for you. I didn’t really mind dancing with guys as long as they weren’t trying to grind on me. But these motherfuckers thought they could feel on me and shit so dancing with guys was dead. It was this old man I kept dancing with because he was in his zone and he didn’t touch me at all, we were a safe distance apart the whole time. There were three studs there. If you don’t know, I love studs. They make me feel a crazy type of way when I’m attracted to them. Two of them were together. The other was with her girlfriend. I assume that was her girlfriend because they were together all night. So, the two studs that were together, I went up to one and asked if she wanted to dance, then I asked if that was her girl. I’ve met plenty of studs that were into other studs. She shook her head, which meant nothing to me because I asked her two questions. Then I asked if she was drunk and she nodded. I’m like ok, strike one but whatever, I went through a period where I would try to get at studs just to test my game so I’ve been turned down plenty. I walked away. The one that was with her girlfriend. First, I give her girlfriend props, she had on this gray dress with a super big booty, she was just thick for no reason. Seriously though when I saw her ass I’m like damn your girl scored lol. The stud though, was dressed in red, with dreads, she was brown skin, and the way she kept looking at me made me want to give up my religion for her. Still even with looking I don’t fuck strangers but I would’ve definitely done some things to her on that dance floor. whew! I cannot even express how she had me feeling, I just know even now, I’m thinking about her and that look she gave me. Jesus, I wanted her. So, next thing that happened. I was dancing with my friend and I felt like she didn’t smell fresh, so I was trying to split myself up from her so people didn’t think it was me. What? She’s grown enough not to go out smelling bad. I make my way across the dance floor to see if there were any new chicks to dance with. This girl grabs my arm to dance with her. I go to try and dance with her and this other chick basically pushes me with her body hard. I’m like ok chick, you got it. She wasn’t all that anyway lol. I keep it moving. Then a fucking fight breaks out, so I go back the way I came. I don’t want to get in a fight or get hit by some retards in one. On my way back to the area I was originally, I see the girl that pushed me out the way. She kinda stopped me and rubbed my arm sensually. I’m not sure what she said, but I said “hi" to her and kept it moving. I’m not really one for conflict as you can see. I always tell people don’t let irrelevant mf’s take them out of their zone. My friend says when we’re leaving, “If I was off on Thursday we would go to the gay club.” “Yeah, I would really get in trouble at the gay club.” I say to her. I had a really fun night and my legs hurt so bad viciously from dancing.

Sometimes Thinking It Does Make It True I'm laying here thinking, "damn, can I catch a break." How is it that you love me but instead of asking me, you assume. Its like I do my best to stay out the way. Its so hard for me to ask for stuff at this moment when I have lost everything but the clothes on my back and my son. I've been making my own way since 19, so yeah, I have a hard time asking for stuff. So, what happened? Sleeping on my brothers couch, I need a ride. So I ask my brother. The answer is no because apparently his wife feels I haven't said two words to her all day. Those were my brothers words. Meanwhile, I just be trying to stay out of the way. But apparently I should've asked her. Ok. Fair enough. I just feel like.. heartbroken. No one here ever talks to me. I miss my baby because I couldn't bring him cuz there isn't any room. I've never felt comfortable asking for stuff that's why I started working when I was young. Right now she's holding a grudge against me for asking my brother for something instead of her. She's mad that we didn't hold a conversation when I saw her for less than ten minutes today? I mean... its Ok. Its really not but I have my faith, something my brother lacks and it'll be taken care of... just like Mordecai told Esther. I just wish that both of them would avoid assumptions about me. I was never once disrespectful to her. I feel like I'm in the way all the time. I have no money for anything and I don't know when I'll get to go home. Everything is just too much. He doesnt know what time I found out I needed the ride. And even if I did know all day, which I didn't, what the fuck is wrong with me asking my brother instead of his wife. So why does his wife think I don't like her? Because I really don't care for her past. Ok I judged her a little but I put it past me. That doesn't mean I'm comfortable. #life has really chewed me up and spit me out. Stomped on me and is asking me if I want more. I really don't. Tired of people assuming they know me or my intentions. If you did know me, you would know that my intentions are never bad. I'm hurt. Honestly, my feelings are so pointless right now. I hate them. I feel so lonely here. Its like no one wants to be around me. I could go down a list of all the terrible things that happened to me in this past year. Im trying to put it all behind me... I'll never be used to being disappointed over and over again. Just goes to show that when u have a certain attitude about something or someone and you believe it with all your heart, you will behave in such a way that makes it true. If you think a certain way you will make these things happen. I come over here with my mind open to liking her because I really don't know her but I didn't want things to be tense here. I still won't let them be. I do need them for now but it will be the last thing my brother ever does for me. As far as his wife goes it's no longer her past that I don't like, it's her conniving ass ways for lying to my brother because we did talk and have a short conversation about my niece. I'm not even sure what to do with myself here, wish I could disappear.

Reflection I applied my eye liner as his voice popped into my head, "You know it's wrong. This guy is bad news Alicia." I snatched the plane tickets from his hand, "You never could accept him, I'm not gonna try to make you." "Please try to see my side in this!?" I remember getting in his face and looking him straight in his eyes. I gave him the meanest look I could. "I don't need your advice. I don't need you!" I waved the tickets in his face. My mind was brought back to the present as I adjusted my weave slightly. "Beautiful," I thought to myself. I finished my makeup with lipstick. I looked at myself in the mirror. I see pure perfection; premium ass shots that ran 10 grand. I have the best assets here if you know what I mean. I had my tits done for seven grand. My body is fantastic. I admired the gray colored contacts I flossed. Men flocked to me and even women want to get a piece of this. My mind flashed back to that night and the pain I felt when he spoke to me, "I'm leaving Alicia. I wish it were different." My heart thumped in my chest. I couldn't understand why this was such a big deal to him but I kind of knew this day would come. I sucked it up and I let him walk out of my #life. That was years ago and I had come so far since that day. My money, my body, and my mind have all been changed. Right now Lil' Tony was the newest rapper in the industry. I want to get close to him during this video shoot. My outfit is all white, basically see through. Hell, it's closer to a bathing suit. I walked onto the set and stood next to the rest of the models. I am definitely the prettiest. Light skin, gray eyes, the body of a goddess and weave down to my ass. I don't buy the cheap stuff either. My weave is always top of the line Indian hair. I see at least three of these girls' weave glue and the number of lace fronts made my head hurt. The desperation in most of these girls made my stomach turn. They actually think being a video model will pay their bills. I'm smarter than them, much smarter. I do these videos to get close to rich rappers. My record is solid. Platinum J, Billionaire Boss, and a few others, I don't like to drop names but I do. Dating rappers has landed me penthouses, clothes, cars, money, and I don't even have to have sex with them much because they often find it elsewhere. Actually the sex is normally disappointing. I don't even know why expect much anyway. I smiled to myself. They like their personal strippers. Later that night I had Lil' Tony eating out the palm of my hand. The way I slid down his pole was like a professional. I learned that even though these men get offered sex often, it’s not like my sex game. My flexibility is out of this World and I can't even begin to explain my tongue game. Typically, they always come back for more. You see, they think the little bit of money is just change and it is to them. I have my modeling gigs. I do the whole social networking thing. I have over two million followers on Twitter. It's because how fine I am. My Instagram is crazy too. Of course, my pictures are always fantastic. I even have a small clothing line and I was thinking about getting into sex toys. I'm sure they sell well. The next morning I woke up with a banging headache. I opened my eyes but everything was blurry. I smelled water, not like a pool but salty like the ocean. I could hear waves splashing against what I assumed was a boat. I tried to roll over but my hands were handcuffed. I tried yanking my arms but felt weak, I couldn't move. I heard footsteps. "Hello!" I screamed as loud as I could. The strength it took to yell was making me weaker. My heart raced as fear set in. Where am I? Tears start running down my face as yelled, "help! Somebody! Please!" I felt the panic deep inside me and could hear my heart beating faster in my ear. My palms were sweating and I could feel the moisture dripping down my face. A tear escaped my eye as I figured today would be my last day in this lovely Earth. When I was a child I would love to hang out in the forest preserve with my friends. Sticks and flowers seemed to be all we needed to stay entertained. I inhaled deeply imagining the smell from those times. My nose was always pleasantly assaulted with the scent of grasses, oak, and an endless amount of flowers. I pictured the deer we'd witness eating or running through there at one time or another. Then we got into boys, weed, and liquor. It's been a wrap since then. My best friend growing up is dead. Her abusive boyfriend killed her by accident. We kept telling her to leave him. Being called a bitch is one thing, being punched in the face is another. My other friend LaLa is currently in jail for not wanting to snitch on her drug dealing boyfriend. Both of their experiences taught me not to mess with drug dealers and to leave at the first sign of violence. I will leave if a man even raises his voice to me. A lot has changed since those days in the trees. I thought about my father again and how our fight seems so petty now. What I wouldn't give for my daddy to come get me. When he walked out the door, he left forever. He had always tried but spending my early years with a crack addict made me hate him. My mom was the worst while he ran around doing God knows what. Still... I love him and would like to have him back. I thought about all the rappers who had given me money and the people that I hurt in my voyage to the top. I realized that if I do die today, there would be no one to miss me. Hell I don't even know if anyone likes me. everything that has been so valuable to me, seems very unimportant at this moment. If I make it out of here alive, I'm changing my #life. I have enough money to start my own business and I could stop being bothered with these rappers. My mom, crack addict or not was someone that I love dearly. I figured one day I could help get her off of that stuff. Just once do something good for someone I love. It's just that I got so distracted by the glitz and the glamour. I valued the way women envied me and the way men pined after me. It distracted me from what was important in #life. Tears streamed down my face as I felt my #life slipping away from me. Why am I here? What's next? "She's awake," I heard a man whisper. "Hello," I screamed again. I saw a blurry figure enter the room. "What do you want?" I cried out weakly. "Calm down," the familiar voice urged, "everything is ok." "Who are you?" I asked panting somewhat. He chuckled, "We go through this every time Alicia. That's why I use handcuffs now." "How do you know my name?" I asked fearful of the answer. "We're friends," He said moving closer to me. "I don't have friends." I tried to move as far away from him as I could but my body felt paralyzed and the handcuffs were starting to dig into my skin. "It's ok," he cooed as he stuck a needle into my arm. I felt the liquid travel into my veins and knock me out. I woke up next to Lil' Tony. He was still asleep so I crept off to the bathroom. Usually I get ready before the men wake up to avoid them seeing my imperfect face. I feel different. I'm a little woozy but that could be from the champagne last night. I looked down at my arm and saw a speckle of blood. Where did that come from? It looks as though my bracelet left an imprint on my wrists, which I don't believe have ever happened before. I felt that there was something I was supposed to remember about my dream maybe? I left Lil' Tony my number and headed home. I just wish I could remember what I don't remember.

It's You I lay here in my bed thinking about you and wondering if it's true. I figured it's ok that love didn't find me right away. I just started to embrace that... Then I met you. No you were not so sexy I couldn't resist, you were just the right amount of sexy. Long nappy hair, a stud, and you wear your sign around your neck like a badge of honor. That was enough to make me speak to you. My "hi" turned into so much more just because you and I were both looking for something we didn't know we needed. It's refreshing to be in the presence of someone who can show they care so much about me and don't have to be overbearing.

Anything? You sure? "Anything you need, let me know." A simple phrase that has brought much to the imagination. My mind wanders considering all that could come from that. From trips to the dollar store for tampons. To endless hits on my bowl, blessing the sky with the beautiful smell of green burning under a small fire. Freeing me from the shackles of anxiety that disturbs my everyday #life. To rides in my bedroom, covering me in chocolate as my body submits to orgasm after orgasm being stroked to endless ecstasy. Although I know my conscience wouldn't let me accept any of those, the thought crossed my mind. I feel guilty about the thought. This is some type of cheating and betrayal all wrapped up in one. Sex, for the most part is what I miss about being married. Sex regularly. Sometimes I feel like I just want to do something that's totally out of character. You ever just want to do something just because you can? Unfortunately, this is one thing I can't do.... The sex I mean.