Granny & The Bears Once upon a time, Not so long ago, I went to visit Granny Through the winter ice and snow. But I was not the only one To visit on that day; To avoid the horrid winter cold Some creatures came to stay. And now there was a family Of enormous grizzly bears living underneath My old grandmother’s stairs. I warned: Be careful Granny Going upstairs to bed. One of those bears might just attack And gobble up your head. She said, “They’re hibernating dearest, So they’ll do me no harm. I just have to be careful, And quiet, And very calm. Come Spring they’ll wake refreshed And return then to the wood. And everything will be normal – As everything normal should”. That evening I made popcorn, It woke the sleeping bears. They woke as poor old Granny Was walking down the stairs. Granny was unlucky; On the stairs at the wrong time, And the family of bears were hungry, And all prepared to dine. Unfortunately there was nothing That I or poor Granny could do, And the bears ate her up piece by piece; They left only her left shoe. The bears having had their fill Returned to their cosy bed. I took my popcorn, hat and coat, And I ran for my #life and fled.

The Goose I entered my home’s kitchen; I was going to drink some juice. What I didn’t expect that afternoon Was to be attacked by a massive goose! The goose had come through the cat flap Intent on causing harm. It bit me on my precious face, And then it broke my arm. I screamed and squealed and cried in pain; The goose appeared to laugh; It grabbed me by my trembling legs And it broke them both in half. I must have lost all consciousness And when I started to come round Instead of legs attached to me A pair of brooms I found. A nurse had tidied up my wounds; I was in pain no more, And as a bonus side effect My legs could sweep the floor. Why did the goose do it? It’s a crazy thing to do. So be careful of a massive goose It might replace some limbs on you.

The Rabbit Out of all Gods creatures large and small I thought rabbits were the best of all. I loved their tails, and ears, and teeth, But now I know there’s evil beneath. They appear so cute, and cuddly, and nice, But now I know different Because I’ve paid a price. I’ll tell you a story you’ll find hard to accept An enormous secret for years I have kept One day I was walking My friend and I talking When we saw a fantastic sight I had to check that I was awake ‘Cos what I saw wasn’t right. I said “crikes” My friend just fled He ran and hid and he cried in his bed. I thought, now if I could just reach out and grab it I’d have captured the world’s biggest black rabbit. The rabbit was huge, as big as a goat With enormous brown eyes, and the shiniest coat. It looked like any rabbit that I’ve ever seen But its size and weight were almost obscene. “Hello there” I said with a welcoming grin And the rabbit said “Run - or I’ll do you in.” It raised itself up and it started to growl A noise which loosened my quivering bowels. From its feet sprang claws as sharp as a knife And I tell you my friend – I was scared for my #life. And I froze. Yes I froze – I just couldn’t budge And I felt down my legs my bodily sludge. I had messed myself, and messed myself bad; I should have fled when my best friend had. After that it was all a blur; I have no fingers where fingers once were, And I woke up in hospital in ten kinds of pain Incredibly lucky that I hadn’t been slain. So now when I see rabbits in a home or outside You know the reason I appear terrified.

The Pond Creature I stepped into my garden; I was going to mow the lawn But there was something very odd To which my eyes were drawn. In the corner, in the pond I saw the water stir And I would have run away and hid If I knew what would occur. I stared into the water All murky, cold and green And I tried to spot the thing I saw Though it just could not be seen. When suddenly a head sprang forth In a terrifying leap, Teeth grabbed me by my skinny waist And dragged me to the deep. I could not breathe; I thought I’d drown; It’s mouth shut tight And swallowed me down. I was gulped inside an enormous belly All soft and squidgy, very smelly. I was there five minutes in this place so rotten I was then shot out of the pond creatures bottom. The creature complained in a voice so low I nearly let my bladder go: “I don’t think my big monster inners Are suited to eating humans for dinners.” I brushed myself down and gasped for fresh air I found myself in the pond creatures lair. It was suitably furnished with leaves and old logs The floor was covered with the bones of dead frogs. My head was filled with thoughts of escape Ways to get out of this terrible scrape. But the pond creature was stood just a little behind And I had no clue of the plans on its mind. Was it going to let me go? Could it run fast or was it quite slow? Oh, how would I get out of this terrible mess? The place of exit was anyone’s guess. It said, “A diet of frogs isn’t really for me; I fancied something different for afternoon tea. But I should have known you are far too big I shouldn't have been such a greedy, fat pig You need to formed into much smaller bites If I chomp you to pieces you’ll be about right.” Well there I was – about to die. I curled myself up I and started to cry. “Don’t be sad” the pond creature said. “There’s plenty worse things than being stone dead. And think of all the good you've done Now I have dinner, and before I had none”. I pleaded with it – please creature, please spare my #life. Think of my two children – think of my wife. They’ll be far more delicious and succulent than me. They’ll be home shortly – have them for your tea! And to my surprise the creature agreed. It said “why settle for one when I can have three”. When they arrived it bit off their heads; It tore their fragile bodies to shreds. It ate them up, a small piece at a time And I cowardly hid and observed this foul crime. Then the creature decided it was time for sleep Very soon it was dreaming deep. And I decided that rather than sit down and cry I’d make this creature DIE, DIE, DIE! I fetched the chainsaw from the back of my shed And in a shower of blood - the creature was dead! The police came along and they wrote a report. The case was discussed in the local law court. And as a way to ease my emotional pains They let me keep the creatures remains. So although this tale has been incredibly gory There’s a happy end for me in this story. People think I’m a hero and I’m alive and I’m healthy And the creature’s remains made me amazingly wealthy. My creature was on the TV news; Thousands came from miles around. They viewed the creature in my garden; Admission: a hundred Pounds!

Little Neely's Dream Cat In the luscious summer garden Filled with trees and flowers Little Neely’s Dream Cat Played away the hours. A typical, fluffy, blue-grey cat So cherished as a pet; He caused no sign of trouble; Well none Neely knew of yet. But when Little Neely went to sleep His dreams the Dream Cat knew, And when Little Neely woke from bed His dreams became quite true. For in one corner of his room The Dream Cat made dreams real And whatever he had dreamed of He could smell, And touch, And feel. Neely would wake up really early His excitement far too great And he’d rush over to the corner For no longer could he wait. He’d had some quite incredible stuff Like edible clothes and hats And small banana aeroplanes Which when thrown would then come back. And plates and plates and plates of cake With jugs and jugs of cream, And a gang of dwarves to tidy his room, And make everything there clean. A trampoline shaped like a bed. A teddy bear six foot tall. A huge chest full of chocolates, And Little Neely ate them all. A clown to make him hoot and laugh, An incredible plastic nose. All this stuff, just for him When from bed he rose. These amazing gifts, however, As good as they might be, Vanished if by magic In the afternoon at three. Neely loved his Dream Cat gifts And loved the Dream Cat more; And these were Neely’s secret gifts Which his parents never saw. Then something awful happened. As bad as it can be. Little Neely had a nightmare Which came alive for him to see. A horrid little creature Appeared one frightful day. It smelt of pickled onion (yuck) So Little Neely ran away. When you have a scary dream That is bad enough, But when it’s real in daytime Then #life gets really tough. The creature was too ugly It made our Neely cry It messed about and broke his things And there seemed no reason why. This horrid little creature; This foul, disgusting pest Disappeared at 3pm; It disappeared like all the rest. At bed-time Neely was terribly scared And he refused go to sleep He’d try to stay awake all night, But in dreams he fell in deep. And no matter how hard he tried to think Of pleasant things in bed, He couldn’t remove the nasty thoughts That lurked within his head. He had these vicious nightmares For seven ghastly weeks At the end of which Neely thought: “A solutions what I seek”. He’d already seen four headless dogs And sharks upon the floor; Of ghosts there were aplenty And of goblins even more. All the things were evil; And all the things did bad; They made our Little Neely Turn really, rather mad. Now Neely loved his Dream Cat His very special friend But he had to be got rid of For the nightmare dreams to end. The next day he found a basket; He made it soft and cosy; And he laid the Dream Cat in it As the cat was getting dozy. He took the cat and basket, The cat sleeping, quite content, And he went into the garden shed To which no-one ever went. He placed the cat in a wooden crate Then Neely shut him in. He placed some bricks upon the lid And then began to grin. The dreams had made him evil; He was going to kill his friend, And the horrible dreams he’d dreamt so long Would now come to an end! He said “Goodbye” and began to leave But then he heard a noise; The Dream Cat was awake in there And was at best, annoyed. The Dream Cat roared in terrifying voice Which was full of rage and hate: “If you intend to leave me here That’s an unfortunate mistake. I’ll come back and haunt you Neely I’ll break you, you ghastly boy Everything you hold as truly dear I’ll gather and destroy”. Well, Neely slammed the shed’s huge door, He locked it very tight. He walked away with no regrets Knowing what he’d done was right. So Neely’s very happy now, The living nightmares are no more, But wait… Listen… Could it be… Skeleton Dream Cat at his door? Mi-OWWWW!