Autumn A light eminates from inside of her. Behind her eyes, a flash. A quick dart of colors. Accompanied by a thumping. A heartbeat almost. Thunking and thunking to the speed of- Nothing. There is a silence now. A quiet fluttering of dust particles settle gently on the bathroom floor. Outside, the sound of birds twittering. The passing sound of afternoon traffic. The smell of the autumn air floats through the open bathroom window. It was so cold. She was so cold that day. Im trying to write again. Its difficult.

Hostage Fuck you #life, for making me so depressed. For making me sad. For taking mom. Fuck #life. It's too one sided, biased, piece of shit. Fuck this #life sometimes. Cuz the messed up part is there is good stuff but you tend to over apply all the shit that makes me want to die so I can scrape with my nails at all the good shit like a rat. Trying to keep from losing everything. All the things. Insignificant little happinesses as they are. As you see them. But to me they mean the world. To me they are everything. But does #life care? Nope. What next? I ask you tauntingly but secretly afraid. I want to throw my hands up and back away like the time that man held me up in broad daylight when I was coming back from work. And no one helped. It feels a lot like that. #life holds me hostage.

Symphony My mom passed away on 10/31/2016. She was only 48 years old. I miss her like crazy. You wanna know something weird? The day after mom passed away, I went to moms house with Dez and Louie and I tried to keep it together ya know. Cuz it was strange being there without her. So quiet. Strange being around all her things the way they were left, like she was coming right back. The blankets were pulled aside on her bed like she was just getting up to use the bathroom or get some tea, and I could've swore I heard her walking down the hall. Her magazine was on the table overturned on the page she left off on. And I sat there staring at my hands. And I didn't even realize I was crying until I heard myself sobbing. It didn't sound like me at all. And I wish I could help that sad girl. Lie to her and tell her it's ok. And then my husband sat next to me and didn't even feel his hand in mine. Cuz I was in space and I've been up there this whole time. And as I cried I heard a dog cry. My moms neighbors dog. Crying so loud. And then the other neighbors dog crying, with me. And then I heard so many dogs howling and crying. It took up all the silence. And I felt my tears stinging my face again and my heart felt like stone in my chest. And soon, I stopped crying and listened to those heavy howls. Those ghostly tones still haunt me. I think about it every day. My husband and my sister stopped and listened too. It was a symphony of sorrow. I had never heard something so beautiful and broken. And in the end we left the house, silent as we had come.

Space Girl 2 years ago, I was at the doctors sitting on the paper covered, sterile examination table. I could hear my doctors footsteps coming closer. Click, click, click, click, down the long hall. She gently knocked on the door twice and sang a happy "hello" as she entered the room. She smiled at me and then looked down at the manila folder she was carrying. I was staring at my feet. Still and staring. Wishing for good news but preparing for bad news. She gently opened the folder, the jolly smile dripping off her face so slowly as she flipped through the pages inside the folder. Her eyes lost that happy glimmer and her brows furrowed into concern and pity. "So, Ariana, I wanted to explain some things to you. All the tests you were concerned about have come back negative..." And she smiled again. "The pain you are experiencing is coming from endometriosis. 1 in 10 women in the world have this disease and its usually passed through the mothers side. So your mom probably has it too" her smile faded once again. "So heres the bad news, Ariana. You have a lot of scarring on your fallopian tubes and uterus, as well as having only one functioning fallopian tube. The chances of you becoming pregnant on your own are very low." Cue the smile. "There are options. You can chose to have in vitro fertilization....." And then I stopped listening. I let the sound of the doctors voice hum on in the background, while I mentally left. I flew up, up, up, far away from here. Far away from the sterile examination table, far away from the blinking fluorescent lights, far away from all the emptiness. I flew into the clouds and then past the clouds, past the atmosphere, into space where it was quiet and lonely. I stayed there for a very long time. "Ok Ariana? There are options. I'll give you this paperwork that I've printed out on all the subjects" But I wasn't there anymore. I was in space. I stepped down from the table and floated down the very long hallway, I floated out of the building and into the parking lot. I found my husbands car and sat inside. "What did they say?" He asked "She said the pain is from endometriosis" I answered dully. "What does that mean?" My husband asked. "It means, tissue grows where it's not supposed to, then it rips out and causes scars, the scarring makes it hard for eggs to inplant..." I repeated robotically. "...oh" he said. "Its ok baby, we're alright, just the two of us. You'll be ok," and he smiled too. Except, I wasnt there. I was still in space, floating, flying.

I Dont Know We were siting at a small wooden table. My husband sat across from me as we ate breakfast. We were at his parents house. This always made me a bit uncomfortable because I always tried to be on my best behavior so his parents would like me. A flicked a piece of scrambled egg around my plate as I pretended to eat. "So what are we gonna do today?" I asked my husband sheepishly. He could tell I wanted to go home. "We'll probably just stay until 5 and then we'll take my mom to the store, drop her back off here, and then leave from there." "Ok" I agreed. This gave me comfort because I loved my husbands mother as if she was my mother. I felt comforted only for that short moment when I heard my father in-laws bedroom door creak open. The sound startled me. He crossed the room quickly and took a coffee cup out of the cabinet above the sink. He closed the cabinet door loudly and stared sternly in my direction. "Morning dad" my husband said confidently. My father in-laws gaze did not turn to his son. He was focused on me only. I swallowed roughly, anxiously waving my foot side to side under my chair. After a few minutes that seemed like hours, my father in law spoke. still staring intently at me he said "good thing my son knows how to acknowledge me when I enter a room, unlike Ariana". He slammed his coffee cup down on the kitchen counter and poured coffee into it, never taking his eyes off me. I winced as he slammed the coffee pot back onto the base. I could feel the anger rise in me. "Don't say anything" I spoke in my mind. "Don't reply, whatever you do, do reply. Just let it be." But I couldn't. The words slipped from my mouth as though they had their own conscience. "Why should I acknowledge your presence when you don't even care for mine" I mumbled angrily. I continued staring at my plate and braced for the terror to come. "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!" My father in law shouted at me. He was practically foaming at the mouth. His voice shook the entire house. I flinched for a second and then I jumped up from my chair. The chair scraped the floor as I threw it out from under me and it fell over onto the ground, letting out a loud clacking sound. I had my hands over my eyes to cover my tears that started pouring out. My eyesight was blurry but I knew where the back door was by memory. I could see my husband had gotten up as well but more slowly and he was making his way towards me but I had already started running for the door. I ran blindly and blurry eyed, trying to blink back my heavy tears but it was no use. I felt the doorknob in my hand, turned it and pushed against the door with all my weight. I fell halfway down the door with my knees on the cold wet ground that was covered in moss and leaves. I clumsily, regained my stance and continued stumbling forward, still blinded by tears. Midway out the front yard