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I'm a poet at heart :) my name is Kandas Marie iv been through a lot in my life and writing is my outlet and I'm happy to share that with anyone interested :) plz follow!!

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  • 01-01-70
  • Living in United Kingdom

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Translate   13 years ago

#depression I used to think I had a problem like something was wrong with me but then I realized I'm so depressed because of my mother she has always made me feel like I was never good enough so that is how my mind has grown to think and the more I hate myself now the more I hate my mother I mean I don't hate her I love her but I wish I could please her I wish in some way I could be good enough but I have come to realize that I never will me and it's not me it's her I'm good enough she just can't see it So my overall message to you guys everyone that is nice enough to read my work ( thank you) don't let other people get you down bump what they think if you tryed that's all that matters #life is to short to be upset over what someone said or what someone thinks about you forget them

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    Translate   13 years ago

    I Want The Truth Even If It Hurts Me I don't know what your doing Your so far away You are on my mind All day everyday you stole my heart You reached me Tho so far apart In you i must trust But how could I With so many to lust I know you little at all Will you build me up Then let me fall? Should I trust you like the ones before? Will you leave my heart in pieces on the floor? Am I just another pawn in your game of chess? Or is what you feel real? Can you feel it in your chest? Be honest with me The truth will set you free

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      Translate   13 years ago

      How To Rip Wings From An Angel Chapter3 Dear diary … why do I feel so different why am I so alone do I belong here are these people my family? I was so angry and the more I thought about it the more rage filled my small body why didn’t anyone care? ​I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling at this point I’m about to starve an I wouldn’t be eating anytime soon I could hear the loud and obnoxious voices of immature men pouring down the hall and drowning my ears their conversations were pointless and nothing more then babble a few hours in to their disturbing screaming and shouting things began to calm down I could still hear their voices but they were a lot calmer I heard Paul say my name and I was immediately interested I jumped off the bed and put my ear to the door they were talking about sex but what is sex I heard one of the men say “my wife won’t give me any” then I heard Paul say my name again only this time his voice lowered into a mumble and I didn’t hear what he said the house fell silent so I went back to my bed a few minutes went by and I heard them moving around they were coming down the hall their footsteps were heavy I could feel them `like small earth quakes rattling every bean of my body what were they doing? My heart began to beat faster and faster until the knob turned and my heart dropped Paul walked in and five other men followed for some reason I was disgusted by them and the way they were looking at me with eyes that told me what was about to happen. “I told you” Paul said “she is a pretty lil thing” another man muttered. I knew in my heart something horrible was about to happen the smirks and heartless giggles as they came closer only told me one thing Paul wasn’t the only one that wanted to hurt me all of these men had that look in their eyes, the same look Paul had in his eyes the first time he touched me. I was sickened. Paul came to my bed he forced me to lay back while he stripped me completely naked. The other men were laughing like they couldn’t wait to see what he you do next. It seemed as if they found my fear amusing. Paul reached in his pants and forced his way between my legs he began to make love to me again. Tears fell from my eyes like water from a fall. I tried to close my eyes and imagine I was someplace else but the painful laughter and the unbearable force of Paul between my legs make it impossible to escape reality. I opened my eyes and looked around some of the other men were playing with themselves. Paul continued to make love to me but he began to pick up speed the faster he went the more painful it was. all of a sudden he stopped. He grabbed me by my long black hair and held my head in front of him “open your mouth” he said. I didn’t open my mouth I was scared of what he was about to do he jerked my hair hard and said again “open your fucking mouth”. I opened my mouth and closed my eyes tight with fear. My mouth was filled with hot sticky goo. The tastes in my mouth made me want to vomit. He let go of my head and I fell backwards into the position I was in. the goo slid down my thought and made me choke I started coughing and goo was coming outta my nose. Paul took a proud step back and grabbed the man playing with himself on his left. This man was older he had a beard and his clothes were dirty, he looked nervous. “You ready to get some of what your wife won’t give ya?” Paul asked the man “hell yes” he replied. The nervous look on his face seemed to transform into confidence as he dropped his pants. He got between my legs and picked up where Paul left off. The other men were cheering him on as his body pounded against mine. How many of these men were willing to violate humiliate and degrade me? My body was begins to go numb my vision was fading along with the sound of their voices …………… darkness I woke up with the taste of goo still in my mouth. I was unsure what had happened, maybe I passed out. I sat up to observe my surroundings. I was in the floor in the corner of my bed room completely naked and covered from head to toe in goo. I didn’t recall anything that happened after I passed out, but I had a good idea what happened. The thought of what those men did to me made me sick. Underneath the goo that lined my skin like oil on water my thighs were severely bruised. I tried to stand; my legs were like limp noodles. I made my way over to a mirror that was on the back of my door I was disgusted by what I saw. I was dirty I was a disgusting sex toy I looked down at the floor I could bear to look at myself any longer. I opened my door slowly and dashed to the bathroom to wash the filth off my skin it was early in the morning around 7 Paul was in his room with the door shut. I ran bath water and as I slowly sat down the water stung me but at the same time it was comforting to get this stuff off me. I started to think about my situation images started to fill my head not only was I disgusted by those men but I was disgusted my myself also. Who was I to go to? My mom wasn’t there. Who was going to listen? Are all men like Paul? I felt helpless and afraid. What would he say to me when he woke up? Then it hit me, I’ll run away. I can go to the tree house I won’t have to be afraid anymore, no one will know where I am. It seemed like a great idea at the time. I didn’t want to be around when he woke up. The water in the bathtub was cloudy white and pick in color I could no longer see through it because of the blood and goo. I let the water drain and I turned on the shower to make sure my body was clean. I got dressed and grabbed my sisters old backpack and got busy filling it with things I thought I would need it was now around 8:30 Paul would be awake soon I walked out onto the back porch I slung the heavy bag open my back and quickly disappeared into the thick woods.

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        Translate   13 years ago

        How To Rip Wings From An angel Chapter 2 ​My two older sisters Kristina and Arlana shared a room at the opposite end of the hall. Kristina was the oldest. She was eight and Arlana was seven . I was the baby. We were sisters but we were never close like family should be. Arlana lived with her father and we only saw each other through visitation every other weekend. Her father would drop her off. Her father was a very responsible and prompt man. Like clock work, he would drop her off at precisely ten o’ clock Saturday morning and Arlana would decide when she wanted to go home. All she had to do was make a phone call and her father would be there day or night. It usually didn’t take long before Arlana decided she had enough. Kristina on the other hand never knew her father. She never got to meet him. I guess mom told us in one of her coke induced rambles that Kristina’s father had died serving his country shortly after she found out she was pregnant but all of us knew that this information wasn’t very reliable due to the fact that five minutes before she told us that Ronald McDonald was our grandfather so we were all left wondering. ​My mother left it was around four on Friday afternoon I had slept on the couch all day. The house was silent except for the occasional giggle coming from my sister’s room in the hall. I got up off the couch and carefully folded the blanket I had been sleeping with and put all the pillows back in place. Mommy always told me to always put things back exactly the way you found them. I headed for the kitchen to see what was for dinner my stomach still felt queasy but I was hungry my mom always cooked the same thing every night to make up for the lack of cooking skills and money it was always spaghetti I never really liked spaghetti much but mommy says beggars cant be choosers if I was hungry I ate what she cooked or I wouldn’t eat at all and sneaking food out of the fridge was defiantly grounds for a beating the subject of food quickly faded from my mind and many other things began to swarm was daddy hurting my sisters to? Or was it just me I took a second to think I needed to talk to my sisters while there was none around I walked down the hall anxiously I stood in front of the door for a few seconds thoughts began to swarm again what if they don’t know what I’m talking about? What if I’m the only one? I opened the door confidently my sisters were on the floor between their two twin size beds putting make up on each other I thought they looked like clowns when the door opened they both stopped giggling and glared at me as if I was a stranger I approached them they both looked at each other and smiled I felt like they were laughing at me like they had some kind of inside alliance some kind of connection with each other that I was left out of were they plotting against me? I felt alone I felt like a stranger my mouth opened to speak but before I could “Paul told us not to talk to you anymore!” they squealed their voices were high pitched, snooty and surprisingly in sync as if they were too good to speak to me anyway then they continued playing as if I had never walked in the room it was clear to me now that I was alone I was the only one I didn’t really know how to feel about it I was feeling angry and displaced I felt like I didn’t belong like there was something wrong with me I was different but why? ​​There was not much to do in the house while mommy was away and daddy was at work my sisters didn’t like me much and they were to girly to play with me anyway sometimes when I was upset I would wonder aimlessly through the woods that were lining the edge of our backyard it was my way of getting away from my troubles I was so used to being ignored that I learned to like being alone it was relaxing for me and I was upset so I slipped on my sisters shoes because I didn’t have any of my own we couldn’t afford it my father worked side jobs doing just about anything and my mother was unemployed but she always found a way to put food on the table money was tight my sister and I shared a pair of old ragged white sneakers and my sister wore them to school every morning so most of the time I would wonder around the woods bare foot but today I was lucky I didn’t know how to tie my shoes one of the very few things that I couldn’t do for myself so I tucked in the laces and headed out the back door and down the yard to the woods just beyond the woods was a small creek that I would often visit to get away I always walked on the same dirt path that was there because it was very long but ultimately lead to the creek I could have easily taken a short cut and been at the creek in less then five minutes but I loved to explore and observe plants and bugs so I would take the long way but today I decided to take a different route and just explore walking thought the wood I came to a small wall made of stone I was fascinated by all the different names and pictures etched into the wall I found comfort in knowing that I wasn’t the only one wondering these woods to get away there was a small box of nails on top of the wall I opened it and began to sketch my name on the wall beside someone named Jessie Johnson I put the nail back in the box and put the box and continued walking as I was walking not far from the wall I noticed a bright yellow rope hanging from a tall pine tree as I got closer I realized there were wooden planks nailed to the tree as a ladder but I wasn’t sure what they were for when I looked up I couldn’t see anything but thick pine I was curious so I started climbing half way up the ladder I saw the bottom of an old wooden tree house and the ladder lead directly into the center when I got to the top of the ladder I was amazed the wood was rotting and covered with sticky sap and pine cones but for some reason I felt like I was home a place alone with my thoughts I couldn’t tell anyone about this placeit was starting to get dark and time for me to head home I didn’t want to leave but I had to. on my way home I thought of Paul it was close to time for him to get home from work and its Friday night so him and his buddies would be piled in the livening room all weekend playing X-box, eating and screaming like animals and when Sunday night comes, all that would be left was the stains on the rug, sticky rings on the coffee table, and the stack of pizza crust in the box on the floor. ​ Coming out of the woods into my backyard, I noticed Paul’s truck in the driveway. I was terrified. I wanted to get home before he did so he wouldn’t know that I left. There was also a few other cars in the driveway that I didn’t recognize which was a relief. I could sneak in without him noticing. I took off my shoes at the back door and turned the knob slowly. I could hear voices coming from the living room. I crept slowly through the hallway to my bedroom door. When I opened it I heard that distinct sound of old hinges creaking but I wasn’t the only one that heard it. I paused and the house fell silent then his voice rattled me. “KANDICE!!” My heart began to thump. I walked quickly down the hallway to the door in the living room. “Yes?” I said. “Where the fuck have you been?!” I opened my mouth but before I could, “Go to your room! I don’t want to see your face for the rest of the night!” I did as he said.

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          Translate   13 years ago

          How To Rip Wings From An Angel Chapter1 Intro His #life will always be a mystery to me who was he before he became a monster what was #life like for him as a child? was he abused? I believe it takes a potent mixture of abuse neglect abandonment and stowed away anger to create a heatless beast. Paul was my mother’s boyfriend he was a tall man 19 years of age with very thick chiseled features his eyes were a deep blue he had dark brown hair and a style all his own my mother was a lot older she was always interested in younger me due to the fact that she looked a lot younger than her actual age she was thirty two and he was nineteen my mother would often bring home strange men but usually they didn’t stay around for long but Paul just stuck there was something about him he was addicted to his #lifestyle rather this #lifestyle developed early or I was his first victim either way nothing will stop him….. ​​ ​Dear diary. I am so confused and lost, I always will be I can’t stand to even look at myself in the mirror. What’s wrong with me? What did I do to deserve all of this? I was only five… ​It was a beautiful day in July. I had just come back from the public pool with my sisters. I went to my room and got some dry clothes to put on. I was still in my bathing suit. The pool was closing as we were leaving, I had no time to change before we left my two older sisters went to their room to change and I went to the bathroom. Paul, my mom’s current boyfriend, stopped me in the hall right before I entered the bathroom. He asked me if I needed help. I felt a little uncomfortable with him helping me get dressed. I was used to my mother or one of my sisters helping me but my mother was on the porch smoking and my sisters were busy dressing themselves so I thought what the heck.. He made his way into the bathroom and shut the door. I started to feel uncomfortable the moment he shut the door because it was just me and him. For a moment we just stood there in awkward silence. I remember him telling me to take off my bathing suit. He put his hands against my body. I wasn’t sure what exactly he was doing but it was very uncomfortable. He felt his way over every inch of my body, as if he was mapping out every crevice and curve. I began to shake, still wet from the pool. I was cold and nervous. I didn’t say a word. His hands were rough. They were dry and cracked and also very dirty, like a working man’s hands. I looked into his eyes as his hands ran down my stomach and between my legs. His face was blank, not even a hint of emotion. Without warning, he forced his index finger inside me, it burned. I had never felt pain like it before, it was like he was splitting me in half with one finger. After a few minutes of him thrusting his finger inside me he stopped. There was blood on his hand and tears in my eyes. He grabbed my dry clothes and helped me put them on, making a point to put his hands where they don’t belong. He knelt down and looked at me. He looked deep into my eyes. I will always remember the words that escaped from his foul lips. He said, “We are not going to tell mommy are we?” “No,” I said, wiping a tear from my eye. His mouth continued to spill words. “And if you tell mommy I will hurt you again, do you understand me?” His words penetrated my ears and sent a chill down my spine. “Yes,” I said, but I didn’t understand. What did he mean? Why didn’t he want mommy to know? Why did it hurt? Still shaking and wet, I walked out of the bathroom feeling humiliated. I walked down the hall to my room. I closed the door and let the tears fall. Later that night my mom and I were sitting at the kitchen table. My sisters were playing in their room. I was eating cereal and she was getting her fix. I have been somewhat of an adult, even when I was a child. Only six years of age, I knew a lot more than most six year olds should know. I knew how to dress, feed, and bathe myself. Anything I needed I could do for myself, and I was very curious. What did he mean by what he said? “Hey mom?” I said. She looked up with a little white powder still on her nose. “You know the spot between my legs? What’s it for?” Her words came out fast and her speech was slurred but I could still make out most of what she said. “Well honey, when a man and a woman love each other, they make love and the man puts himself in a woman and they make babies. Now that’s all I can tell you child until you’re a little bit older.” I thought about what she said for a few minutes. I didn’t understand? What was he doing in the bathroom? And then it blurted out of my mouth. “Me and daddy made love in the bathroom.” As soon as those words escaped my lips I felt a devastating blow to the face that sent me and my cereal to the floor. I sat up. There was cereal and milk all over me and the floor. My attention quickly focused on the woman towering over me. She was so angry, her skin was red and there were tears in her eyes. It’s almost as if I could feel the anger radiating off of her. Her she knelt down to my level and she snatched me up by my shirt she looked into my eyes deep into my eyes and she said “ I never want to hear those words come out of your mouth again” I didn’t give her words a second thought. She stood up and made her way back over to the razor blade and the glass that was calling her name. She sat back in her seat as if nothing had happened. I quickly cleaned up my cereal and crept down the hall to my room, trying my best to refrain from making any noise to signal an altercation. If daddy woke up and found out I told mommy, there would be no telling what he would have done. I went into my room and changed my soiled clothes and got into bed. It took me a while to fall asleep but I got there. I awoke to the sound of my door, a distinct sound one could never forget. I could see a person entering my room but I wasn’t sure who. Whoever it was they were trying to be as quiet as possible. I could barely hear them. Who would be coming into my room this late at night? The door shut. I could see a dark figure moving towards my bed. Finally the dark figure got close enough for me to see. It was daddy. He sat on the end of my bed and he began to speak. He didn’t sound angry; he was very calm and collected. This was a relief to me. I knew what he wanted to talk to me about I wasn’t supposed to tell mommy that me and daddy made love in the bathroom but why so late at night? Why did he need to talk to me now? I wasn’t listening to what he was saying, I was to busy thinking but I did hear the last thing he said. He said, “I love you.” I expected him to get up and leave but he didn’t. Instead he pulled the blanket off of me slowly making sure not to alarm me underneath the blanket. I lay snuggled in my pink princess pj’s. He lifted my shirt and grabbed my waist band. Fear began to take over. I couldn’t speak. Before I knew it, my pants were on the floor and he was on top of me. Petrified, I didn’t move. The only word I could force from my lips was “Daddy?!?” I felt something warm touch me then all of a sudden he pushed forward. I felt a splitting pain in my stomach. It was daddy inside me. I let out a scream. His hand quickly covered my mouth. He pushed again. Tears quickly begin to fall from my eyes. I couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t think. The pain was so intense. I tried to push him away but he over powered me. This made him angry so he pushed harder and harder. He was breathing heavily into my face and sweat dripped from his forehead. What seemed like hours only lasted a few minutes. With one final thrust he stopped. He let go of my mouth and I gasped for air. He slowly retreated, zipped his pants and stood over me. He was out of breath but he still very calm. The only thing he had to say to me was “Don’t tell mommy.” The door opened and he was gone. The house fell completely silent except for my heavy breathing. Twisted and confused, I was afraid to move. I lay on my bed, the pain was unbearable. All that was left to do was sleep. But how could I? What just happened? ​​I lay in my bed all night in the position he left me in confused and scared thoughts were racing through my head daddy loved me but mommy said people that love each other make love is it right for daddy to love me in this kind of way why did it hurt if daddy loved me why would he hurt me? I never want to make love to anyone and I never wanted daddy to make love to me again. I slowly closed my legs. They were very sore and bruised. I carefully slid off my bed. It was still early. The sun was not yet in the sky. I turned the light on and looked down. I was horrified by the sight of blood between my legs. I raced over to my bed and just as I suspected the sheets were covered with blood from the struggle. I closed my eyes and images flashed in my head from the previous night. I didn’t want to remember so I frantically stripped my bed of sheets and replaced them with fresh ones from the closet in the hall, got my clothes together and headed for the shower to wash off the dried blood that was chafing my inner thighs. Washing myself was difficult. I was still in a great deal of pain and very sensitive. I couldn’t help but think about what mommy told me at the table the night before. “, when a man and a woman love each other, they make love and the man puts himself in a woman and they make babies.” Am I going to have daddy’s baby? After showering I walked out of the bathroom into the living room. The TV caught my eye and Clifford the Big Red Dog was on. I sat down on the couch. I was very tired. ​“Kandice…. Kandice…..” I heard my mother’s voice. I opened my eyes. “Wake up honey,” she said. I sat up on the couch to be sure she knew I was awake. I didn’t remember falling asleep but I did remember watching Clifford. I must have drifted off. “Are you ok?” she said. “Why were you up so early this morning? I heard the shower running.” My mind scrambled to find an answer that wouldn’t make her angry. “I was up all night. I couldn’t sleep,” I said, unsure if she would buy it. She did and continued to talk. “I’m going out tonight and Paul is going to stay here with you and your sisters.” My heart began to beat faster. “Dinner is on the stove if you’re hungry.” “When will you be back?” I asked frantically. “I will be here in the morning when you wake up honey, I promise.” Her smile was nurturing and confident but fake. I knew she wouldn’t be back for a few days. She would always go out and come back whenever she felt like it. Sometimes it was only a few days, sometimes it was a few weeks but she never left for more than a month. I didn’t mind when she went out before. I was a very optimistic child. Unfortunately, there is no bright side to this situation. My mom is leaving me and my three sisters alone with Paul. Then it dawned on me, is Paul hurting my sisters too, or is it just me? If so, why just me? This was only the beginning and definitely no where near the end. Little did I know this abuse would continue for many years. This abuse would be the cause of my death. Kay: if you want to read chapter2 be sure to like and comment

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          Kay

          True life events if you like it plz comment
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