How To Rip Wings From An Angel Chapter1 Intro His #life will always be a mystery to me who was he before he became a monster what was #life like for him as a child? was he abused? I believe it takes a potent mixture of abuse neglect abandonment and stowed away anger to create a heatless beast. Paul was my mother’s boyfriend he was a tall man 19 years of age with very thick chiseled features his eyes were a deep blue he had dark brown hair and a style all his own my mother was a lot older she was always interested in younger me due to the fact that she looked a lot younger than her actual age she was thirty two and he was nineteen my mother would often bring home strange men but usually they didn’t stay around for long but Paul just stuck there was something about him he was addicted to his #lifestyle rather this #lifestyle developed early or I was his first victim either way nothing will stop him….. ​​ ​Dear diary. I am so confused and lost, I always will be I can’t stand to even look at myself in the mirror. What’s wrong with me? What did I do to deserve all of this? I was only five… ​It was a beautiful day in July. I had just come back from the public pool with my sisters. I went to my room and got some dry clothes to put on. I was still in my bathing suit. The pool was closing as we were leaving, I had no time to change before we left my two older sisters went to their room to change and I went to the bathroom. Paul, my mom’s current boyfriend, stopped me in the hall right before I entered the bathroom. He asked me if I needed help. I felt a little uncomfortable with him helping me get dressed. I was used to my mother or one of my sisters helping me but my mother was on the porch smoking and my sisters were busy dressing themselves so I thought what the heck.. He made his way into the bathroom and shut the door. I started to feel uncomfortable the moment he shut the door because it was just me and him. For a moment we just stood there in awkward silence. I remember him telling me to take off my bathing suit. He put his hands against my body. I wasn’t sure what exactly he was doing but it was very uncomfortable. He felt his way over every inch of my body, as if he was mapping out every crevice and curve. I began to shake, still wet from the pool. I was cold and nervous. I didn’t say a word. His hands were rough. They were dry and cracked and also very dirty, like a working man’s hands. I looked into his eyes as his hands ran down my stomach and between my legs. His face was blank, not even a hint of emotion. Without warning, he forced his index finger inside me, it burned. I had never felt pain like it before, it was like he was splitting me in half with one finger. After a few minutes of him thrusting his finger inside me he stopped. There was blood on his hand and tears in my eyes. He grabbed my dry clothes and helped me put them on, making a point to put his hands where they don’t belong. He knelt down and looked at me. He looked deep into my eyes. I will always remember the words that escaped from his foul lips. He said, “We are not going to tell mommy are we?” “No,” I said, wiping a tear from my eye. His mouth continued to spill words. “And if you tell mommy I will hurt you again, do you understand me?” His words penetrated my ears and sent a chill down my spine. “Yes,” I said, but I didn’t understand. What did he mean? Why didn’t he want mommy to know? Why did it hurt? Still shaking and wet, I walked out of the bathroom feeling humiliated. I walked down the hall to my room. I closed the door and let the tears fall. Later that night my mom and I were sitting at the kitchen table. My sisters were playing in their room. I was eating cereal and she was getting her fix. I have been somewhat of an adult, even when I was a child. Only six years of age, I knew a lot more than most six year olds should know. I knew how to dress, feed, and bathe myself. Anything I needed I could do for myself, and I was very curious. What did he mean by what he said? “Hey mom?” I said. She looked up with a little white powder still on her nose. “You know the spot between my legs? What’s it for?” Her words came out fast and her speech was slurred but I could still make out most of what she said. “Well honey, when a man and a woman love each other, they make love and the man puts himself in a woman and they make babies. Now that’s all I can tell you child until you’re a little bit older.” I thought about what she said for a few minutes. I didn’t understand? What was he doing in the bathroom? And then it blurted out of my mouth. “Me and daddy made love in the bathroom.” As soon as those words escaped my lips I felt a devastating blow to the face that sent me and my cereal to the floor. I sat up. There was cereal and milk all over me and the floor. My attention quickly focused on the woman towering over me. She was so angry, her skin was red and there were tears in her eyes. It’s almost as if I could feel the anger radiating off of her. Her she knelt down to my level and she snatched me up by my shirt she looked into my eyes deep into my eyes and she said “ I never want to hear those words come out of your mouth again” I didn’t give her words a second thought. She stood up and made her way back over to the razor blade and the glass that was calling her name. She sat back in her seat as if nothing had happened. I quickly cleaned up my cereal and crept down the hall to my room, trying my best to refrain from making any noise to signal an altercation. If daddy woke up and found out I told mommy, there would be no telling what he would have done. I went into my room and changed my soiled clothes and got into bed. It took me a while to fall asleep but I got there. I awoke to the sound of my door, a distinct sound one could never forget. I could see a person entering my room but I wasn’t sure who. Whoever it was they were trying to be as quiet as possible. I could barely hear them. Who would be coming into my room this late at night? The door shut. I could see a dark figure moving towards my bed. Finally the dark figure got close enough for me to see. It was daddy. He sat on the end of my bed and he began to speak. He didn’t sound angry; he was very calm and collected. This was a relief to me. I knew what he wanted to talk to me about I wasn’t supposed to tell mommy that me and daddy made love in the bathroom but why so late at night? Why did he need to talk to me now? I wasn’t listening to what he was saying, I was to busy thinking but I did hear the last thing he said. He said, “I love you.” I expected him to get up and leave but he didn’t. Instead he pulled the blanket off of me slowly making sure not to alarm me underneath the blanket. I lay snuggled in my pink princess pj’s. He lifted my shirt and grabbed my waist band. Fear began to take over. I couldn’t speak. Before I knew it, my pants were on the floor and he was on top of me. Petrified, I didn’t move. The only word I could force from my lips was “Daddy?!?” I felt something warm touch me then all of a sudden he pushed forward. I felt a splitting pain in my stomach. It was daddy inside me. I let out a scream. His hand quickly covered my mouth. He pushed again. Tears quickly begin to fall from my eyes. I couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t think. The pain was so intense. I tried to push him away but he over powered me. This made him angry so he pushed harder and harder. He was breathing heavily into my face and sweat dripped from his forehead. What seemed like hours only lasted a few minutes. With one final thrust he stopped. He let go of my mouth and I gasped for air. He slowly retreated, zipped his pants and stood over me. He was out of breath but he still very calm. The only thing he had to say to me was “Don’t tell mommy.” The door opened and he was gone. The house fell completely silent except for my heavy breathing. Twisted and confused, I was afraid to move. I lay on my bed, the pain was unbearable. All that was left to do was sleep. But how could I? What just happened? ​​I lay in my bed all night in the position he left me in confused and scared thoughts were racing through my head daddy loved me but mommy said people that love each other make love is it right for daddy to love me in this kind of way why did it hurt if daddy loved me why would he hurt me? I never want to make love to anyone and I never wanted daddy to make love to me again. I slowly closed my legs. They were very sore and bruised. I carefully slid off my bed. It was still early. The sun was not yet in the sky. I turned the light on and looked down. I was horrified by the sight of blood between my legs. I raced over to my bed and just as I suspected the sheets were covered with blood from the struggle. I closed my eyes and images flashed in my head from the previous night. I didn’t want to remember so I frantically stripped my bed of sheets and replaced them with fresh ones from the closet in the hall, got my clothes together and headed for the shower to wash off the dried blood that was chafing my inner thighs. Washing myself was difficult. I was still in a great deal of pain and very sensitive. I couldn’t help but think about what mommy told me at the table the night before. “, when a man and a woman love each other, they make love and the man puts himself in a woman and they make babies.” Am I going to have daddy’s baby? After showering I walked out of the bathroom into the living room. The TV caught my eye and Clifford the Big Red Dog was on. I sat down on the couch. I was very tired. ​“Kandice…. Kandice…..” I heard my mother’s voice. I opened my eyes. “Wake up honey,” she said. I sat up on the couch to be sure she knew I was awake. I didn’t remember falling asleep but I did remember watching Clifford. I must have drifted off. “Are you ok?” she said. “Why were you up so early this morning? I heard the shower running.” My mind scrambled to find an answer that wouldn’t make her angry. “I was up all night. I couldn’t sleep,” I said, unsure if she would buy it. She did and continued to talk. “I’m going out tonight and Paul is going to stay here with you and your sisters.” My heart began to beat faster. “Dinner is on the stove if you’re hungry.” “When will you be back?” I asked frantically. “I will be here in the morning when you wake up honey, I promise.” Her smile was nurturing and confident but fake. I knew she wouldn’t be back for a few days. She would always go out and come back whenever she felt like it. Sometimes it was only a few days, sometimes it was a few weeks but she never left for more than a month. I didn’t mind when she went out before. I was a very optimistic child. Unfortunately, there is no bright side to this situation. My mom is leaving me and my three sisters alone with Paul. Then it dawned on me, is Paul hurting my sisters too, or is it just me? If so, why just me? This was only the beginning and definitely no where near the end. Little did I know this abuse would continue for many years. This abuse would be the cause of my death. Kay: if you want to read chapter2 be sure to like and comment