Loving Again It feels like... I'm finally ready, you know? I feel happy I feel peaceful I feel prepared. I tried so long to be perfect: To gain control of it all, And wake up each morning with spirit and hope. It is only now that I see That's not possible. Is not a bad thing It's a beautiful thing! Each mistake is not a crack in the mirror, It's a wish in the well, A ripple in the sea, A dream that floats Wistfully from my head on crisp, rainy mornings. I am not perfect And I know this now, And never have I been prouder to say that I: I am me. I was so bitter about it So sure I could be what I wanted When all I needed was to be me. And now I'm ready: Ready to share that. I am a new person; a soft, newborn Smelling of dawn And I'm ready to love again

Break: (it's good) I can't describe it, I'm... I'm just standing there. And. It's not like any thing's stopping me, And it's not like any things making me... But I just don't move. I didn't expect this, I mean, I thought maybe we could make it work, You know, how adults seem to be able to? How they kind of, patch things together? But I'm really not mature enough to do that, I guess. And - hey - neither are you, it turns out. But I don't hold that against you, It's charming. But I kind of wanted this (if it ever happened) To be ridiculous, painful, and As though we were being ripped apart By the tides of each star, And the rain should pour down us, Hiding every tear, yet magnifying it in every way, And leaving us cold and alone, Clutching the remains of who we are In shaking, grabbing hands. Who are we now? Just two strangers who loved each other Not five minutes ago. It's grey sky, six o clock, slight chance of frost In the crisp air, And rush hour is just ending. So... What now? I can't stand here forever. I can't keep blinking, breathing, nodding, Taking it in, I have to exist elsewhere, At some point, And go on another hot, embarrassed date, Reaching out with sweaty hands For another, which fits A little better than the last In my own. I should be feeling pain, right now. Do you? I think you do. I think you're sadder than me, Because you always said I fixed you; I made you better. You said once that I made you a man, And I smiled and wiped the ink off your cheek With my thumb, glowing. And here you are: a man, Ending this. I always thought maybe we'd have babies And a beautiful blue house with a porch And matching cutlery, But now, I'm back here, 'Single' And I don't feel like I want that anymore Unless its with you, But... I don't want you back, but, Oh hey, come on, I'm rambling. Get on with it! Smile, Nod, come on, And say "maybe it's for the best..." Now leave. That's good. It's good.

Elderflower Every morning, I would slip unnoticed Into the coffee shop, with a tinkle of a bell, And seat myself at the table by the window In the warm light that pours through the glass. I would order elderflower cordial In a glass bottle, with a straw And sip at it slowly, flipping through The dusty pages of a book. You would sit behind the counter, Chewing your nails and humming along with the radio Happy and easily drifting along through #life, And not noticing me. Over time, I would hang the bottles up With thread in the walls of my heart, And listen to them clink and ting against one another Like a sweet, sad orchestra That plays the same sad song. I would walk underneath them, sometimes, Running my fingers along their cold, flat bottoms And sending ripples of chinks across the never ending Forest of bottles which swing in the breeze. If I turn into the wind, At just the right angle, and breathe in deeply The air would blow across them In a symphony of songs That will haunt my heart forever. One day, I think, one day I will cut all the threads and send the bottles Tumbling earthwards, Where they'll shatter, and spin And skitter like fallen birds across the floor, Ending, ending, ending! I long for you, I wish for you! I want to be the reason you are in this world! I want to have you for my own And run my fingertips along your eyelids With your breath on my skin. Now I am walking in. "May I help you?" "Elderflower cordial, please"

Snow Romance I walk home - alone this time - Hands forced deep into my warm pockets; Red hat pulled down tight over my ears. Hot, angry tears spill down my cheeks and Drip onto the white snow that Has settled overnight, When we were asleep and dreaming Curled up in the bends of each others bodies, Soft, and dry, and safe. Warm! You were searching for the love you couldn't find, I was giving away some that I had to spare, And under the soft, white sheets, with me, You found it. We went for a morning walk, Wanting to be the first to crunch The new, white snow under our Rubber-booted feet; feeling a sense of satisfaction In the noise that new snow makes As you skip and slide, Enjoying yourself. We got so far today, Hand in mittened hand, Giggling and throwing snowballs at each other Which left trails of glittery spray in their wake In the morning sun, And your phone buzzed in your pocket. We didn't here it at first, But the second time it rang, You slipped your hand from its glove, And answered. Your face dropped, and you seemed to Fade into the snow a little, Clutching the phone to your icy pink cheek. When you hung up, You turned to me, and took a deep breath. "Aimee is suspicious," you say, in a low voice, "I need to go home and see her and the kids," I tense up inside. Your wife. Your wife! She doesn't know about me. I am your secret pleasure, Your precious Pandora's box. You kiss me goodbye, And run up a side road to the corner shop where you park your car. And I must begin to trudge home, Seeing our footprints Walking next to each other, Crossing over, turning round Seeing the swirl of snow where you scooped me up In your arms and spun me round As the snow came down. I must now walk home, Seeing all this, Being the other woman.

Cups I've never been a 'glass half full' person. I've never felt as though everything is going fine Even when the stitches between my hopes and dreams Are splitting and unravelling; pulling apart, And the earth beneath my feet dries and crumbles away. I never lulled myself into this happy place, Where I am safe from #life; from death. When the bottom of my glass is dry and I feel as half empty as anyone ever could, I do not jump into the abyss - This is my upside - I go to the beach, and I walk alone, Taking in the sights and smells of this Vast, vast place: an eternal circle of stretching sands That crumbled from the largest mountains, And the huge expanse of blue both above me and below me, Rippling and shimmering, And I take a little seawater, and fill my cup a little. Then, I go and visit old relatives I haven't seen in a while. I visit Paris, I see my cousin. I paint my kitchen, I ring my sister. I cut my hair, I get a tattoo. I try Italian food, I climb a mountain. I go camping, I go on a date. I learn to sing, I paint my nails. I see and learn and do the things I wanted to do, but never did And bit by bit, my glass fills, With tears, wine, rain, paint, tea, seawater... Until it is full, And it overflows Into the empty cups of others