Lessons In Love And Death There are still songs that feel like your teeth Scraping across the veins in my neck There are still gunshots that sound Like the click of your heels when you walk There are still night skies that feel Like your hands around my throat There are still flowers that feel Like the hairs on your neck when I sink my teeth into your thighs. There are still pavements that feel Like your body against mine in the night There are still movies that feel Like the nightmares that consumed you, and later, me There are still cigarettes that feel Like the way you lit me up and, later, stomped me out There are still cards that feel Like the way you played with me and when you grew tired - put me away. There were many a day where I thought That I might never escape from the abyss of your love Endless, spiralling, oblivious And then I realised. The only way to kill pain, Is to add a little more Because everything new distracts from the old. So I jumped into a new abyss Willing, wanting, wishing The sun is replaced by the moon The trees are replaced by concrete The jungles are replaced by zoos You are replaced by her And I still don't feel any further away from dying.

8 Questions I Want To Ask Your Boyfriend 1) Do you know what she’s running from? Why she can never stay; why she carries immeasurable fear like poison that seeps from her beautiful mind into her tired feet? Do you run with her, do you carry her when she is tired? More importantly, do you go and find what she is running from? Even though in order to make her run so fast, you can only presume it is powerful beyond measure, do you go and find it and send it back home? 2) When she wakes up teary, terrified by the things that crawl from the deepest orifices of her own troubled mind in the night - do you hold her? Do you kiss the tears from her face when they fall down, like dying stars crashing to the earth or reluctant raindrops from full rain clouds? 3) When she says that she is not beautiful, or clever, or useful; do you make her feel beautiful, and clever, and useful? Do you touch the darkest parts of her soul that refuse to believe that she is all that she is? Do you plant tiny light bulbs of hope on the inside of her, hoping the circuit, by some miracle, connects and lights her up, offering her the gift of immeasurable clarity? 4) When you see her in pain, does the blood in your veins drain and become replaced with the exact replica of the pain you know she feels? Does it course through you, making you wince as you pull her into your arms and shield her, from everything that is wrong? 5) When she is uneasy, are you her lighthouse? Ushering her gently into harbor, where she can feel safe, homely, and comfortable once again? Do you keep her there, hold her, nurture her, until she feels ready to face the seas again? 6) Do you see the signs? How she gains two creases on the bridge of her nose when she is uncertain or disagreeing; how she looks at the floor and tugs at her sleeves nervously when she is uncomfortable with herself? How when she pushes you away she really means come closer, and how when she tells you what she wants to be, she’s really telling you everything she isn’t? 7) Do you love her? 8) Do you love her like I love her?

To Say And it is not to say, That the sun doesn't shine without you It does. But what used to be A glowing, orange ball that brought warmth in its rays and hope in its rising And #life in its existence Is just a burning ball That nobody cares enough to extinguish. And it is not to say, That the world doesn't spin without you It does. But what used to be normal, What used to be necessary Now just replicates the spinning in my head And my stomach when I think of you And now just makes me feel Uncomfortably sick. And it is not to say, That I cannot love without you I can. I feel a universal love for the world on some days But everything I see Is tinged with tears of sadness And slashes of hatred That make it almost impossible to love Anything but you. And it is not to say, That I can't win without you I can. Sometimes I win on scratch cards, Or I win a prize at the arcades When I'd much rather be at home With a bellyache from nothing other than thinking of you Because winning doesn't feel like winning When you've already lost everything that made sense And it is not to say, That I can't smile without you I can. But while I used to smile through happiness, I now smile through confusion I get my confusion only from you, And a fear rooting itself in my heart That whispers; you will never understand anything Like you understood her; Like she understood you And it is not to say, That I cannot live without you. I can, and I do. It is to say; Without you, the sun shines, but I don't feel it. Without you, the world spins, but it only reminds me of you. Without you, I can love, but never like I loved you; never unconditional, never real, never permanent. Without you, I can win, but I do not care for the prize. Without you, I can smile, but only until I remember that you do not love me. Without you, I can live, But without you, I do not want to.

Tainted #life The books I read are stories That I wish were about us, Documentations of the growth of our love, chapter by chapter Always missing out the part where all the fire drowned in an ocean of smothering temptation. The words I say to others Are the words I wish you had said to me At 4am in the morning, when you tuck my hair behind my ear and whisper words, that evaporate and fuse with the wisp of my soul. The photos I look at are photos That I wish were of you and I And our kaleidoscope memories of dancing and laughing, In fields that grow and grow and never die, That never lose what they always knew they had. The music I listen to has melodies That say "I am happy being insatiably sad, because that is what I have to do." And lyrics that say I love you I love you and I would rather die than stop But I would rather die than be without you. The walks I go on are to places where we laid In summers when the sun matched the way I felt And the dust dancing in the air was fireflies, And the rusting goalposts were victory. The air I breathe is always, Always air that I hope you have breathed too Because I still want to breathe you, and have parts of you in my soul In any way that I can Even though you are breathing everyone else And probably not minding if I'm breathing at all. And the sunsets that I watch, The orange sun sinking into the streaky pink horizon Are ones that make me feel okay, because I know that tomorrow is a new chance And I hope it brings something new, even though it never does And when I watch them I sit, and I hope, and I say I hope you are happy, And I hope you are watching this sunset too And wondering if I am. But most importantly, of the people I see I always hope they are you And I am still disappointed when they are not.

Vow It took but a few seconds for me to become Truly and irrevocably enchanted by his smile And his quick wit, and his passion that shone through his skin as though fireflies were dancing underneath. From those few seconds, I have vowed to myself to love him To hold his hand when he is unsure, when he is afraid To tell him he's a phenomenal person when he forgets And to bring him back to himself when he gets lost. I vow to persist, much like how the sea never stops kissing the shore No matter how many times it is sent away Much like how the stars never stop presenting themselves on the skyline With immaculate timing and unreserved love No matter how many times they are replaced. With love like that you can make waves With love like that, you can light the whole sky. I will hold him when he knows not that he deserves to be held; I will love him for all of eternity, And when forever has come and we have watched it go, I will ask for but one more day to love him still.