Compensation We have obtained records that indicate you may be due up to £2358 compensation for being molested up as a child. To claim text "NOW THEN NOW THEN" to 85111

Dinner "The bitch told me to go and make my own dinner. Can you believe that?" I said to my mate Dave "What did you do then?" he asked"I told her to go and make her own fucking money before I shoved her out the door." I replied "Bit harsh, don't you think mate?" he asked "Why would you say that?!" I said angrily "Because your daughters only 8." he replied

Stephen Hawking I see Stephen Hawking's narrating the Paralympic opening ceremony tonight. I hope he pays homage to the Olympics closing ceremony by treating us to some dubstep.

Dreamer It's my birthday today and my girlfriend's just texted promising the me a "blowjob I can only dream off."I can't wait. God knows how she's managed to contact Cheryl Cole, never mind persuade her to actually do it.

The Speech At the end of the year our headteacher gave a really deep meaningful speech about dreams and ambition that really hit home with me. He ended it with 'if I can do it, anyone can!' So I got a bunch of mates round and we all fucked his wife