Please Do Not Attempt To Open. You Will Not Like What You Find Inside. I remember when I used to open up to people I remember I told my bestfriends everything About the hurt The pain The suicidal thoughts We would sit up for hours after everyone else had fallen asleep and cry for each other And for ourselves I remember when I used to open up to people I remember when I thought my boyfriend was the love of my #life I told him how I loved him How I felt unlovable How it fucking killed me to love him I would lay on his chest and he would hold me and I would feel whole and warm And dreadfully empty I remember when I used to open up to people I remember I asked my mom why there was pain in the world And she told me she wasn't sure But she held me close And loved me And loved me And loved me I knew that she loved me more than anyone loved anything And it killed her to see me cry I no longer have best friends One moved away The other was pushed away My boyfriend I pushed away Everyone I push away Because talking about it doesn't help My tears taste the same when I silently cry into my pillow Instead of on a shoulder Because people loving me makes everything worse Because the more I open up the more I hurt them Because I don't want to hurt them God I don't want to hurt them So now I distance myself I keep everything locked inside Never let them see me cry Never tell them I love them Never ask stupid questions And yeah it's unhealthy Yeah it hurts But at least I'm not a burden anymore

My Grandmother's Birdhouses My grandmother has lived in the same house since she was a little girl It's a small house Just 2 bedrooms But it has a big beautiful backyard Filled with trees that, to a little girl, lazily reach their bony fingers to touch the clouds They haven't quite reached yet, but she always knew that they would These trees, as trees often are, were home to many birds She witnessed the birds make houses out of twigs and spit and hardwork My grandmother knew what hardwork looked like, even as a little girl Her single mom worked everyday for their house For their home For them She saw the mother birds build houses out of twigs and spit and hardwork Now on my grandmother's patio There are 12 birdhouses hung from the roof Wooden, painted, and decorated My grandmother provides homes for the hardworking mother birds Just as she provided her home for her mother when her bones became more like twigs than bones Just as she has provided her home for her children She has seen generations of birds come through the houses She has seen baby birds take their first leaps from their nests She has seen grandchildren take their first steps in her kitchen She has seen generations My grandmother's house is a place for those who seek rest A place for those who seek guidance Those who seek shelter Those who seek help Family, friend, or stranger It doesn't matter There are 2 bedrooms, and one is always open My grandmother lives alone but my grandmother is never without company She keeps the kitchen stocked She keeps the beds made She'll whip your ass in scrabble if you get bored Boggle too, and she is the best piano player that I've ever seen If anyone could burn water, it would be her, but we still always have christmas dinner at her house anyways My grandmother lives alone but has never known loneliness My grandmother has 12 birdhouses She's seen bluebirds and redbirds and mockingbirds and finches They come and build nests for their young They leave and sometimes they never return My grandmother has seen people come and go They stay but eventually she knows that they will leave And that is okay She knows it is okay Because she knows that they know that they are always loved And that they always have a room They always have a home Birds were born with wings So that they could touch the sky Birds build houses out of twigs and spit and hardwork So that they always have somewhere safe to land

The Inferno Do not try to comfort me Please Do not offer me condolences Do not ask what is wrong Do not say that you are sorry In fact do not speak Do not approach me Don't even look me in the eye if you can help it Above all do not touch me For I have a fire that burns in my chest It burns so hot I can feel my blood bubbling The flames lick the back of my throat I swallow them back and clench my jaw tight I fear if I open my mouth the inferno will escape And I don't want anyone else to get scorched So when asked if I'm ok I briskly shake my head yes and flash a half-convincing-closed-mouth-smile to let them know that I am not to be fucked with at the moment because I clearly have my shit together Usually they back off after that But sometimes it takes a little bit more Sometimes it takes Eyes closed Hard swallow Deep breath "I'm fine" "Don't worry about me" "Leave me alone" I have a fire raging inside Do not stand too close I warn them You do not want to get burned The only comfort I find is alone Is at the bottom of a bottle Alcohol is flammable and fuels the flame I breathe in Feed it oxygen Make it burn so hot that I can feel my stomach acid boiling Rising to become smoke in my lungs I let the smoke spill out my mouth and drift upward I let it hurt I let it burn I let it cremate me while I'm still living Because it makes me feel alive Because I know what choice I have to make If I let the tears fall If I let rain extinguish If I hold my breath and deprive the flames of oxygen Then I'd be choosing to let the cold back in My body would shiver at first but eventually resign itself to numbness To nothingness Frozen emptiness My fingers and toes would begin to turn blue Pretty soon my lips would too Until the ice made its way to my heart Until it Slows...slows.........slows............then stops No The fire scorches my skin but it cauterizes my wounds It may leave me coals and ash but at least I'll glow bright It may burn me but at least it keeps me warm Do not try to comfort me Do not try to put me out I've learned to inhale pain and exhale smoke I do not fear Hell Because I've learned how to carry it inside of me

Marissa Vanessa is doing great in college Erica is too, she is still dating her highschool sweetheart Jordan is married and 8 months pregnant Present tense They are the same age as you are—I mean as you were I'm still having trouble adjusting to past tense And adjusting to the fact that you are now past tense "Was beautiful" "Was so kind" "Had so much potential" I don't want to insult your memory with clichés but Marissa you were too young to die You were a christian and I've prayed every night to a god I don't believe in that you found your heaven My sadness is selfish because I did not know you well You were a senior when I was a freshman and I was too shy to say more than a few words to you at a time I looked up to you and I never told you that to me you were smart and talented and gorgeous I wanted to be your friend But I missed my chance I can't help but look back on all of the opportunities I missed with you And at all of the future that I still have I feel so guilty Because cancer turned your "will be's" into "never were's" and your tomorrows into "what if's" Every time I've wanted to die is an insult to your fight to live and I am so sorry If time was transferable I would give you my days but I can't Because #life and death are arbitrary and cruel and unfair I am so sorry Marissa I will try to be more like you I will try to be kind like you I will try to be thankful for my days I will try to honor your memory I will try Rest in peace

If I Were My Lover's god If I were Your god I would not create you out of dust I would choose only the brightest of stars to make up Your being I would pluck them from their orbit like the best peaches plucked from a tree Smash them together in a beautiful inferno of light And create Your soul The only scripture in existence would read "god looked upon her work and declared that it was DAMN good" If I were Your god I would alter the english language I would rid it of the word 'gland' because I know You think it sounds gross I would erase the words 'broken home' from Your vocabulary Erase 'worthless' Never would the words 'not good enough' spill from Your mouth in that particular order I would give You so many words A word for that feeling in Your stomach in the moments before Your first kiss A word better than beautiful because beautiful is too cheap, too easy Beautiful is for sunsets There are no words for the girl who will one day turn Your starry soul into a supernova, but I will give You the words If I were Your god You could talk to me whenever you got lonely You could ask me questions and I would always answer them I would always be there for You Present, solid, and real for You Not metaphorically, but tangibly touch you There to catch Your tears and to hold Your hand I'd cry for You Yes god would cry I would cry You oceans as a reminder of how much I love You I would paint the sky a new color everyday to remind You that miracles are real I would be the most faithful god You would never quetion whether or not I was real If I were Your god There would be no Hell You would not need to pray to me for forgiveness That's like a dog apologizing to it's master for being kicked I could never see You as anything but holy I would never ever let you burn I wouldn't be a capital-g god for I would not dare be that condescending The artist is nothing without her masterpiece god would worship You The creation worshipped by creator Because god may have given You #life But You have given god something to live for