Freddie Bloor This is the tale of young Freddie Bloor, Whose sexual equipment got jammed in a door, By the time they had freed him, he didn’t feel well, For his poor private parts were all mangled to hell. They rushed him to hospital the ambulance it flew, But when they arrived, there was nowt that they could do, What a sad blow for Fred, condemned without choice, To a #life without sex, and a high squeaky voice. But lucky for Fred, so he wouldn't feel a fool, Some bright spark suggested a bionic tool, A smart new electric one made out of brass, Though the batteries would have to be kept up his arse. So newly equipped, and after a rest, Fred thought he would put his new tool to the test, So finding a woman, the nearest one handy, Filled her with drink, and made her feel randy The Girl without waiting put her hand in Fred’s flies, When she felt what was there she cried out in surprise, "That's my bionic chopper, now let’s have some fun", "Cor blimey" she, said "It felt just like a gun''. They both stripped off quick, and Fred entered her fast, And turned up the speed knob and gave her full blast, They clutched tight to each other as Fred’s dick shook them more, Then they shook off the bed and rolled onto the floor. Now the pace heated up and they started to choke, As the air in the room became filled with blue smoke, With a bang Fred’s left bolIock shot into the air, And the other went honketty-bonk down the stair. So back for repair went Fred full of woe, Was this how his sex #life was destined to go? A return to the doctor at the end of each shag, With a prick in his pocket and his balls in a bag. But they fixed young Fred up and made him manly again, And they helped out the batteries with a flex for the main, So if he can't get a girl now Fred doesn't cry, Cos' he's AC / DC, and can go with a guy.

Love I love you so deeply, I love you so much, I love the sound of your voice And the way that we touch. I love your warm smile And your kind, thoughtful way, The joy that you bring To my #life every day. I love you today As I have from the start, And I'll love you forever With all of my heart.

Eye Eye A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theatre followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies, "you just happened to catch my eye."

Vodka Christmas Cake Once again this year I've had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe, so here goes. Made mine this morning! 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp salt, 1 cup brown sugar, lemon juice, 4 large eggs, nuts, 1...bottle Vodka, 2 cups dried fruit. Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality, then repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still okay. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka. Now sh!t the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the Vodka and wipe the counter with the cat