I'm Really Not Sure I’m really not sure what to say, which road to take, because whichever way I swing, left or right, has consequences. I try and think ahead, to what the consequences might be, how conversations might play out. I’ve done that before. I guess wrong more times than I do right. Sometimes you’re quite unpredictable. Other times…not so much. So the decision I really can’t make is staring me straight in the face and has done for weeks. Only now it’s so close I can feel its breath, hot and heavy, putting me under pressure. Choose. Choose. ‘I can’t.’ Words I’ve used so often in front of you. I use them now as well. I can’t choose. But I won’t make you choose either. I may over think things, but sometimes it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes my head and heart battle it out for the final decision, but when you come to make some you seem to have one side stronger than the other. You choose, decide and stick to pretty much what you thought originally. I can’t do that. There it is again… ‘can’t’. I have to look at things from different angles. That brings me back to this choice, staring me in the face. Like I said, it’s so close now, but I’m still trying to ignore it. Avert my eyes. Unsuccessfully if I’m truly honest. Honesty. That’s a thing we had trouble with sometimes. I wonder if you’re reading thinking ‘it was only something one of us had trouble with.’ I wonder if you’re thinking that I lied to you. Yes I did. But personally I’d like to point out that you lied to me as well. But love doesn’t keep a record of wrongs, does it? So I won’t bring up past wrongs again. I promise. Another thing I do, but successfully, is get distracted and digress from the matter at hand. A good example of that would be now. The font i originally typed in is called ‘LA Headlights’. I chose it for two reasons. Firstly, I like the font. Secondly, the name reminds me of how I feel- trapped in headlights. Like a rabbit or something I suppose. If I run left I could very possibly get squished by the right wheels of the truck speeding towards me, if I run right I risk the same thing, but with the left ones. It all comes back down to consequences again. If I run right and we cut all ties, all cords, then we may rather likely drift away. And quite possibly awkwardly. Especially the times when actually we can’t avoid each other. Because let’s face it, even if we never talk again the history doesn’t get erased. It will always be there. A part of me likes to think that will link us forever. I guess the truth is I doubt I will never stop wondering. I reckon far into the future I’ll look up at a plane’s trail across the sky and wonder if you’re up there, achieving your dreams. So really, running right means silence and losing someone who understands. If I run left then I’m faced with what has been considered 'normal' for the past what-seems-like ages. That means uncertainty and a line that’s still pretty blurry. That means bridges stay intact but I constantly worry if that’s acceptable to other people. But, it also means still being able to talk to you. Which makes it the more appealing option; not talking can be agony. Endless-seeming hours that just stretch on, while I will myself not to click, not to type because I was the one who left the questions out there, I've shown I care, even still after all this time, and I spoke last. I should not be the one to cave. I suppose that's petty, childish. But really it's true; I want to see how you really feel. I never know for certain. I can have ideas, predictions, notions and theories, but like I said earlier- often you're rather unpredictable. You'll catch me way off guard with something you'll say, restore my faith, my hope and my love in one sentence. Crazy, I know. If I run left I keep all of that. The crazy and the lovely. But really, running left means committing to boundaries that really should have been observed long ago. For me it sounds like a half-in-half-out kind of deal. It comes down to the history of it again because the way I see it, it's mighty hard to backpedal. To lose what you used to have. To have to watch what you say. Am I even making sense anymore? It's all gotten to my head. The choice is no longer staring me in the face but its inside me. It is me. I'm looking at myself and judging, being two sides of the same coin and arguing inside my head. Crazy, I know. This rabbit is literally paralysed in these headlights. I've got no 'happy ending' option as far as I can see. Neither right nor left. I guess this rabbit will just have to sit tight in the middle for now and wait for the storm, the trucks, to eventually pass (if they ever do) because right now, I'm really not sure.
