Adapted Screenplay: Moses & The Ten Commandments I wrote this yesterday... A short film or SNL skit, perhaps... My first attempt at writing a screenplay. I hope nobody takes offense on account of the subject matter. It is a satirical comedy which includes, in my vision, a rather violent Quentin Tarantino-esque scene. Enjoy. Moses & the Ten Commandments Written by The_Pineapple_Express FADE IN: EXT. ATOP MOUNT SANAI - LATE EVENING Moses has been on the mountain for 40 days and 39 nights. During this period he receives nine of the ten Commandments directly from God... He awaits the final word or words for the tenth Commandment on this 40th evening. MOSES (V.O.) (yawns, exhausted, thinks to himself) C'mon God... You created everything in what, like six days, yet it takes this long to give me ten laws... Jeepers creepers. VOICE (from the heavens) Okay... Here it is... After much thought... The last word of the tenth commandment is... cue drumroll... (the sound of drums fill the air) VOICE (CONT'D) Covet. (Moses inscribes the final word into the stone) VOICE (CONT'D) So, the last commandment is... (silence) VOICE (CONT'D) (from the heavens) Moses? Moses? Moses! Wake up, I damn it! MOSES (startled) Sorry-Sorry... Yes, what-what? VOICE (from the heavens, angry) What is the final Commandment? MOSES (frightened) Thou shalt not covet-Thou shalt not covet. Thunder, lightning and the blaring of a trumpet accompany the delivery of the final commandment. VOICE (from the heavens) Good. Now bring these laws to the people. Moses then descends from the mountain with intent to deliver the commandments to the people. MOSES (V.O.) (sings to himself a song he wrote) Mehujael begat Methusael And Methusael begat Lamech He was sharing Methusael's outlook On the topic, Abimelech Mehujael had a facial scar And Noah walked with God Most in love with dyin' Some were doing it in Nod Jabal played harp and organ Like a kid out in Babel Then he lost his leg in Canaan He was dancing with the cattle Most in love with dyin' They were drinking from a fountain That was pouring like an avalanche Coming down the mountain MONTAGE: MOSES / SUNSHINE / ZIPPORAH'S FACE MOSES (CONT'D) (sings) [chorus] I don't mind the sun sometimes The images it shows I can taste you on my lips And smell you in my robe Balm, myrrh and spicery And softly spoken lies You never know just how you look Through other people's eyes DISSOLVE TO: MOSES PLAYING AN AIR-LYRE SOLO CLOSE-UP: MOSES MOSES (CONT'D) (sings) Some die by fire and brimstone In Sodom and Gomorrah Some turn to pillars of salt Looking back over their shoulder Some will fall in love with #life And drink it from a fountain That is pouring like an avalanche Coming down the mountain [repeat chorus] DISSOLVE TO: MOSES COMING DOWN THE MOUNTAIN MOSES (V.O.) (sings to himself) And then Lamech took a #life While arguing east of Eden First borns died natural deaths From plagues against Egyptians Then there was the ever-present Worshipper of false gods They were all in love with dyin' Some were doing it in Nod Eye for eye, tooth for tooth Wound for wound, stripe for stripe And if any mischief follows Thou shalt give #life for #life They were all in love with dyin' They were drinking from a fountain That was pouring like an avalanche Coming down the mountain [repeat chorus] MOSES (imagines playing the lyre, hums the final notes) SUPER: Thousands of years later the lyrics from this song will be adapted and used by the group Butthole Surfers for their song "Pepper" which, in the year 1996 AD, will make it to No. 4 on Triple J's Hottest 100 and No. 1 on Billboard's Modern Rock Track chart. DISSOLVE TO: SUNRISE EXT. BASE OF MOUNT SANAI - EARLY MORNING Upon his arrival Moses sees that the people are involved in the sin of the Golden Calf. MOSES (angry) Holy cow! Have I steered you all in the wrong direction? Do you have any idea what is at "steak" here? MOSES (CONT"D) (he turns to a tribesman and, with hand cupping mouth, whispers) Did you see what I did there? Two puns followed by a homophone. TRIBESMAN They don't call you Moshe Rabbenu, "Moses our Teacher/Rabbi", for nothin'. MOSES (angry) This is bullshit! MOSES (CONT"D) (he turns to the same tribesman and, again, with hand cupping mouth, whispers) Pun intended... again. TRIBESMAN I know, I know... I get it, I get it... Jeez. (they fist bump) In terrible anger, Moses breaks the commandment tablets and orders his own tribe (the Levites) to go through the camp and kill everyone, including family and friends, upon which the Levites slaughter about 3,000 people, some of whom are children. (Moses and The Tribesmen (a septet) break out in song as the massacre begins) SERIES OF SHOTS: INDISCRIMINATE KILLING MOSES (O.S.) (holds a shofar to his mouth and, using it like a modern day microphone, sings) A-well-a everybody's heard about the herd H-h-h-herd, herd, herd, h-herd's the word A-well-a herd, herd, herd, the herd is the word A-well-a herd, herd, herd, well the herd is the word A-well-a herd, herd, herd, h-herd's the word A-well-a herd, herd, herd, well the herd is the word A-well-a herd, herd, h-herd's the word A-well-a herd, herd, herd, h-herd's the word A-well-a herd, herd, herd, well the herd is the word A-well-a herd, herd, h-herd's the word A-well-a don't you know about the herd? Well, everybody knows that the herd is the word! A-well-a herd, herd, h-herd's the word A-well-a... A-well-a everybody's heard about the herd Herd, herd, herd, h-herd's the word A-well-a herd, herd, herd, h-herd's the word A-well-a herd, herd, herd, h-herd's the word A-well-a herd, herd, h-herd's the word A-well-a herd, herd, herd, h-herd's the word A-well-a herd, herd, herd, h-herd's the word A-well-a herd, herd, herd, h-herd's the word A-well-a herd, herd, herd, h-herd's the word A-well-a don't you know about the herd? Well, everybody's talking about the herd! A-well-a herd, herd, h-herd's the word A-well-a herd... THE TRIBESMEN (O.S.) (sing) Sufferin' herd Bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbu... ull [retching noises]... Aaah! SPLIT SCREEN: CARNAGE / MOSES SINGING, JUMPIN' & JIVING MOSES (CONT'D) (sings) Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa- Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa- Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-ooma-cow-cow Papa-ooma-cow-cow Papa-ooma-cow-cow, papa-ooma-cow-cow Papa-ooma-cow-cow, papa-ooma-cow-cow Ooma-cow-cow, papa-ooma-cow-cow Papa-ooma-cow-cow, papa-ooma-cow-cow Papa-ooma-cow-cow, papa-ooma-cow-cow Oom-oom-oom-oom-ooma-cow-cow Papa-ooma-cow-cow, papa-oom-oom-oom Oom-ooma-cow-cow, papa-ooma-cow-cow Ooma-cow-cow, papa-ooma-cow-cow Papa-a-cow-cow, papa-ooma-cow-cow Papa-ooma-cow-cow, ooma-cow-cow Papa-ooma-cow-cow, ooma-cow-cow Papa-oom-oom-oom-oom-ooma-cow-cow Oom-oom-oom-oom-ooma-cow-cow Ooma-cow-cow, papa-ooma-cow-cow Papa-ooma-cow-cow, ooma-cow-cow Well don't you know about the herd? Well, everybody knows that the herd is the word! A-well-a herd, herd, h-herd's the word Papa-ooma-cow-cow, papa-ooma-cow-cow [repeat to fade] SUPER: The Tribesman's song "Sufferin' Herd" will go on to inspire The Trashmen's hit single "Surfin' Bird", almost word for word, which will reach No. 4 on the Billboard Hot 100 in 1963 AD. DISSOLVE TO: AERIAL VIEW OF CARNAGE CLOSE UP: MOSES AND THE TRIBESMAN, THEIR ROBES SOAKED WITH BLOOD DISSOLVE TO: SUNRISE - THE NEXT DAY Moses awakens and God commands him to inscribe two other tablets, to replace the ones Moses smashed, so Moses climbs the mountain again, stays at its peak for another period of 40 days and nights, and when he returns, the commandments are finally given. EXT. BASE OF MOUNT SANAI - EARLY MORNING - FORTY DAYS AND NIGHTS LATER MOSES (reads the commandments aloud to the remaining people) ... Number 6, Thou shalt not kill... (he looks around at the skeletal remains of all of the people he had had murdered forty days earlier) MOSES (CONT'D) (turns red with embarassment) Oops... My bad. FADE OUT: THE END