24 July 2013 Pt2 I moved back home in June 2012, the last time I saw my ex was within those three months I lived in London.., we kept in touch now and again he told me how much he had struggled when we both parted ways and ended things drifted apart.. I had it was as I had someone else there.. But now I know how it feels and how hard it is.. It took him months I feel like it'll take me years.. The last I spoke to Him was February this year around my birthday I sent him a card and that's when I felt like I got closure.. I wrote down how I felt and how sorry I was for everything I thanked him for the best three years of my #life for everything he done for me given me.. The opportunities I had and the #life I had lived.. I did it for closure.. He thanked me for the card and to,d me he was now engaged.. I was shocked and it was hard for me to come to terms with this.. I never told him how I felt.. He said to me " I hope she loves me as much as you loved me" this came as a shock to me that he was going to marry someone who he was not even sure loved him.. I don't think she will ever love him as much as I did,, he was my first and the love of my #life I have never loved anyone as much as I loved him, and even though we drifted apart and ruined things I will always love him as a person even if I am not in love with him.. During this past year things have been up and down with the person I replaced him w ith.. Everyone's different and I think I have extremely high expectations I will always compare to my first love.. We ended things couple weeks.mths back but are still talking regularly.. Recently I found out my ex had gotten married, early July.. I cried when I saw the pictures.. I thought to myself had I been open to my mum my parents and had I not chosen the crazy student #life over him perhaps I would have been the one to stand next to him in a wedding dress I know he would have loved me til his last breath he was my everything and I was his.. But then I realised, I don't want to be married to him because although we were great together I w as bored in the relationship it was becoming forced and not real and that's perhaps the reason why I had started straying away..I feel better for justifying it,, I just wish I had gotten to the point in my #life where I had met someone I loved very much and had married and settled with.. I don't see those years as wasted althought I wish they hadn't happened because the end result from both our sides is not what was intended.. The future as we saw it had changed.. Perhaps for the best I know there is someone out there for me someone who I will be in love and lust over.. Will remain faithful to and want to spend the rest of my #life with.. Someone who shares my same interests.. Someone who will love me like I was there first love and someone I can love more than my first love.. Everything is a learning experience.. If I had not experienced #life as I know it I would be so naive to everything.. So althought sometimes I wish I could erase the memories and have fresh thoughts in my mind.. I still want to remember that I had my #life perfect at one point in my #life it just wasn't meant to be.. If I have met two people in my #life who loved me like their own I hope there is a third and final who will love me til the end of the world and back..

24th July 2013 I'm not sure why I'm writing this but I feel like I have no one to talk no ones who would understand so I think putting my thoughts to paper in a way would be the ideal method in expressing myself. This is just me my #life my feelings I'm 23 graduated, working in retail, living at home again and pretty much depressed. I always try to see the bright side and understand that there are millions of people around the world who would see my #life as privileged and i should be happy with my #life and I get that but I see millions of others who have so much more than me and are so much more happy. I just want to be free. I've always had a introvert side to me although people have said I come across as confident. When I was younger in high school I struggled with my weight, I was never truly happy I wasn't bullied as such but I wanted to be thin and beautiful like all the girls around me. I have a sister 4 years older than me we've never really got on, I'm not sure why I'm a friendly person, sometimes i wonder how much different my #life could have been had my sister been a friend to me. I feel like when I started college I was in my element I didn't make a large group of girl friends like the others who hung around in there dozens, I had a couple of close friends, and a very large mutual friend base..I had lost a lot of weight, I got a lot of male attention.. Good or bad I don't know, I had a great social #life and I was happy at home, I had freedom and I don't remember being majorly upset about anything that I don't now see as me being fickle and stupid and putting other things ahead of priorities. I got my first job through connections in my second year of college in January, working in a shop I made a very good friend who I remained friend with many years from then before during and after uni.. I started a new job in a home wares store in may of that year around the time I finished college... This was my first real job, It was only part time with over time during the summer before I moved away to uni in Leeds.. I met someone during my time there, I never intended it to get to where we did, I was never very sure, I like having someone to focus on, someone there, someone to talk to and talk about, we got very close very quick, I had never had this before and neither had he, he was my first everything, I was his first real relationship, I moved to Leeds in sept and I hated it, I felt really far away from where I wanted to be and who I wanted to be with, I struggled I looked forward to days off in clumps to go back to Manchester and be with him.. I was working every weekend so we spent a long weekend together every week, which I looked forward to..we planned our futures..we went on holidays..we believed we were the real deal.... My first year at uni I was devoted to him, I came back to Manchester as much as possible I hated living in my accommodation.. I did make friends obviously at uni and outside of uni, I met the girls who would later be my best friends during uni we moved into a house in 2nd year and 3rd year.. Those were the wildest years of my #life..I was in my element..I was enjoying my student years my freedom and loved every minute of it..I started to spend more and more time in Leeds and less in Manchester apart from work..I met someone else..I should have ended things back in Manchester but I didn't... I spent alot of time in Leeds and over the course of a year and a half I got very close to the person I had met during my uni years..we were just fun..never amounted to anything and I'm glad because I did not want to throw away something good for something that was keeping me busy... After uni finished I moved back to Manchester and decided to put all my effort into my relationship and was determined to make things work..after all he was my first and I intended on him being my last.. We moved into a apartment together in the centre of town, I started a new job 10 mins down the road in a department store.. I believed #life was perfect it was everything I could have ever wanted..to live with the love of my #life just us.. But was he really the love of my #life? Could I have fallen for someone else during uni if he was the love of my #life? My personality had become more extrovert..I was more confident..I had lost even more weight during uni and was receiving a lot more attention everywhere I went..I shouldn't have but I enjoyed it I started this new job in may, moved into the apartment in July, in August I met someone else...we worked together... And although I had moved in with someone I saw as my future it was happening again., I started spending more time with this new person, we had crazy nights together..we seemed to have a lot more in common..our personalities matched he was fun and I lived for fun..we got close.. I spent more time with him than in my new apartment.. I made excuses as to why I wasn't coming home.. Then everything changed..my mum demanded I move back home..that's when I knew I had to stop messing about, stop being childish and selfish..I chose to move out of the apartment and move to South London.. I never told my mum til I was in the car driving away.. As for my actually boyfriend we had drifted apart over the months I told him I was moving and I advised him to move to his mum and dads in north London settle in get an even better job as he had a flourishing career..that's what he did I moved in with my new boyfriend.. We spent three months living together properly..through that time a lot happened end I decided he was not the person I believed he was when I first met him.. I met up with my ex couple times during this time..I lied about everything to both of them..nothing happeneded and i regret making the choices i did..or do i? i lost the feelings i used to feel for my ex and when i moved back to manchester i was devastated i couldnt see my #life wihtout seeing my boyfriend everyday it was horrible i was depressed.. i could not drag myself out of bed i could not eat i could not sleep all i could do was cry and sit in a daze.. i had no job and no friends.. #life was going down hill i probsbly deserved it for lying to both of them.. That's my #life up until a year ago.. happened. I felt guilty NAND I still