Train To ? Sat on the train facing the "wrong" way. Seeing only where I have been, not where I am going. Seems rather poignant. So here's to the unknown future, may it remain as exciting and as unpredictable.

Mae "I wanna see you tonight, would you come for a drive? You can lean into me, if you 'ain't been in love for a while." - The Gaslight Anthem, Mae, Hand Written

Muholland Drive "Did you sleep last night? And do you remember dreams? Do I ever cross your mind and do you ever think of me?" - Gaslight Anthem, Muholland Drive, Handwritten.

End Of The Tunnel Four in the morning is becoming a familiar sight to me. These last few days I have royally screwed up my sleeping pattern in aid of my degree. Collating everything together into fresh new books and seeing all the work I have been doing for over a year and a bit come together. It's very satisfying being able to put it all together into some good looking books and posters, and I am excited for people to see it. It is a strange feeling though as I am not as stressed as I feel I should be. Other deadlines have been a mad rush to the finish but I am unusually calm and in control for this one. Which is strange as it is the big one. The main event, the last hand in I will experience at university, hopefully. However the fact remains that I am settled and confident. But then I second guess it. Why I am I so calm and confident? Have I missed something? Will I have missed a massive mistake that will cause all I have worked for to crumble and fail? What if I am disappointed with the result? Can I honestly say that I gave it my all? Does the end grade really matter? Is that what I want, authentication from the academic establishment that my work holds value in the real world? Does my future actually rest and depend on what happens now at university? All these doubts still run through my head and betray my calm exterior. In reality I don't think this is it. My final grade or the final verdict on the work I submit to be judged is only as big a deal as I let it be. If I am disappointed with what I get then it is a product of my responsibility. I could wallow in self pity and go no where, or I could learn from the result and push harder to get what I want from my future. The same is of the opposite. If I get a good result then I will gain the admiration of my peers and the academics that inhabit the world but it doesn't mean that I will achieve my personal goals any easier. That will still be up to me. It may open doors but I will have to be the one that opens them and even if my grades are lower than my expectations the same doors will still be there, I will just have to knock a little louder. The future is approaching faster by the hour and I have to embrace that and steer it to where I want to be, and do what I want to do. The time for talking is almost over, the time of doing grows ever nearer.

China It has been an incredible weekend. The only downside being that very little actual work has been done, but then that isn't really a bad thing at all. Not when I have instead spent my time catching up with some dear friends and celebrating the marriage of two of them. In fact I am so happy for all of my friends right now, and I am glad that everything out west is going well. The real incredible event took place only this morning, well yesterday depending on your time zone, when my father informed me of a job opportunity that has come about from another dear friend. I don't usually enjoy the thought of using people I know to gain opportunities but this is quite an opportunity. I have been informed that there is a potential that I will be moving to China, the country. I did some work experience with a design studio that handles a family friends brochure work for his company. The friend has a close relationship with the design agency's owner and through the grape vine has heard that I am soon to graduate and has offered to give me the chance to work with the said agency. This is a great thing to hear when you are a student, soon to graduate with thousands of pounds worth of debt. However the location of the job has thrown me. I have nothing against china, I have heard that is quite the country, and I have just been writing about my thirst for adventure and I have also prided myself in encouraging others to explore and go for opportunities such as this when they arrive. After all you only have one #life and you may as well get on with living it. However the move would be pretty big for me. I have lived over seas before but on that occasion if was in the lovely but very sheltered bubble of Whistler B.C, where the majority of people spoke the same language as me and acclimatising took very little effort on my part. With the wonders of the internet I was never too far away from home and I had constant contact with loved ones back in the U.K if I needed them. I also had a strong group of peers with whom I lived. In contrast China is currently seeming to be a much further place to go. I hope I don't sound too naive in saying this, I know that China is not so different to us, we are all human after all and in many ways they are much further advanced in certain aspects. But the culture is radically different to what I am used to and I'm not ashamed to say that it scares me a little. I am still not sure the details of the job, all I know that it will eventually involve China, I don't even know where in China I would be based, but at the moment I can't help but feel that I would be totally alone. I am sure that won't be the case, I'm sure I will be totally fine but it is still a little daunting. Another factor is that it sounds like it would be a two year deal, which means I would be leaving my friends and family behind for two years. I don't like the thought of that. I love my friends and family very dearly, they have been there for me at my darkest hours and helped me through so much and I want to be there for them. I want to be able to help through the challenges that lay ahead and also to share all the exciting things that are happening to them recently. I have been away from some of my closest friends for three years now and I have missed them all so much, the thought of travelling even further away is a sad one. I know that we will always be friends and as I mentioned before they will never be far away thanks to the Internet but I want to be there first hand. On the flip side I was once told by one of my best friends that I should never let anyone else hold me back from what I want to do, or to stop me realising my hopes and ambitions. That friend played a very important role in my #life and I am sad that we don't talk as much as we used to. So I guess, and I knew all along that this is going to have to be my choice. It is still a very young idea and who knows it may not work out for what ever reason but is an idea that has been placed in front of me. On the basic terms it is a job in a field that I have great passion for and may lead to some great things in my future, so in that respect it is a no brainer. On the other hand it may not be the type of design world I agree with or want to get into, this is something I will need to find out because if you are not happy in your work then what is the point? You will be doing neither yourself or anyone else any favours in the long term. The other thing playing with my mind is that I had just becoming enamoured with the idea of a grand adventure, the kind of trip that men used to take when they were meant to find themselves. Now I don't think anyone could argue that this would indeed be a grand adventure, but it wasn't the one I thought I would ever take. I planned to go to the wilds of england, maybe at a push Europe, but not Asia. I had romantic visions of travelling on my bike through the countryside and along the coast making journals and taking photographs so that I could publish them in beautiful books. I had very little intentions of marketing said publications for sale but they were to be personal records of a transitional part of my #life. This job would change that drastically. I guess this is what it's going to be from now on. I have seen my friends around me growing up and making the change into the world of adults. And while I can be mature and hold my own I have never really been pushed to take that step. But now on the eve of my graduation, in both the literal and metaphorical sense, I am constantly finding that growing up is becoming necessary. This job opportunity is fast tracking the process somewhat but maybe that is what was needed. Who knows, after all like I said previously all that has happened so far is words have been exchanged. This whole thing may never materialise and I will be back to my ignorant bliss that I inhabited two days ago. Perhaps I will go to China and have the grand adventure that I crave and everything will be well, I can even adapt my new romantic writing ambitions to suit. Maybe I will go to China and hate it and immediately return with my tail between my legs and start over. At the moment these things are all unknown. I need to talk to as many people who will listen and then go with my heart. Maybe I will try talking to my estranged friend? She always seamed to know me best and give me straight answers. But for now all I can do is wonder what the future is going to hold and be thankful that I have such wonderful things to debate over. At the moment my #life is at a tipping point and I have no idea what is going to happen in the next year. A subject I was discussing with my mother. When she asked me if I liked the concept of not knowing what I was going to do I said I wasn't sure, but now I think it's rather exciting.