Awkward Gym Moment I'm a member of a fairly cheap gym in the area. The changing rooms are a bit grim. The shower facilities leave a lot to be desired as it's open plan. There are about 10 shower-heads. Anyway, after my workout I got undressed and popped over to the showers. To my frustration, all the shower-heads were in use, and there was a queue of about 4 fellas. I was in a rush, so I walked over to the nearest showerhead and gave the lad a bit of a nudge so I could get some of the water. He was having none of it and pushed me out of the way. Fair enough I thought. I had another look around and saw a small fella. He was a midget or a dwarf, couldnt be sure. The ones with the big head anyway. I walked over and shoulder-barged him. He looks up at me. He must have been cock-high. For some reason I started getting a chubby. He noticed this. The chubby was getting out of control. I panicked. I stood there with a 100% boner. The little fella backed up. He started getting hard too. I couldn't understand it. I said something like 'lots of great fanny out there today'. He laughed nervously and said 'lots of great fanny out there mate'. I washed myself staring straight ahead at the tiles. The small fella was still standing facing me. Then he said 'you've got a lovely penis'. He said it loud enough for a few of the oher lads to hear it. Then it all kicked off. Before I know it we're both being escorted off the premises. We had a laugh in the carpark about it afterwards and we're going for a pint tomorrow night.

The Cheating Girlfriend I am sure that it will be her intention to stay faithful. Even as the adrenaline surges through her, and giggling dementedly, she binge drinks and knocks back shots. She'll be telling her friends how special you are as they accept a drink from the 'good looking fella' at the bar. As she staggers on to the dance floor and feels Kevin the builder's engorged manhood jabbing into her bottom, throughout the Lionel Richie medley, she will be thinking 'It can't hurt, it's only flirting. What he doesn't know can't hurt him'. Outside the bar, barely able to stand, she will be explaining, in that slightly pompous way, that she has a boyfriend and that Kev is being very naughty putting his hands up her top like that. Then she will feel his breath against her neck, the warm night air will force the alcohol to surge through her body and the next thing she remembers will be the slow rhythmic slap of Kevin's pelvis against her arse and the faint sensation of humiliation and pleasure as he drunkenly slaps her behind slurring 'yeah c**t. Ah, yeah, you bitch'. Desperate to please she will allow him to place his blunt sadness in her mouth, explore the darkness of her skull, and accept his desiccated DNA against the back of her parched and gagging throat. As he wipes his penis on the cheap linen of his cheap bed in his institutionalized holiday box in the sun above the Adelphos Fish and Chip Palace, and lurches to the bathroom with the words 'I need a piss', she will feel the sobering effects of shame and the promise she made to man who trusted her.

Rant About Ugg Boots Ugg Boots! Enough with the f*****g ugly Ugg boots! It may have escaped your attention but it's little more than A SUEDE WELLY!! And that ain't cool, baby and you do know that unless you're a stick insect, they make your legs look fat when worn with the obligatory leggings or skinny jeans; bloody tree trunks in fact! Is that what you want? And if you're going to wear them then pick your bloody feet up and stop scuffing your heels along the ground like a f*****g tramp. Did you all get a memo to wear the f*****g things for the last five f*****g years? Have you all been hypnotised to wear them? Do they dish them out at colleges on Freshers days along with those long t-shirts and the carefully messed-up bed-hair, so favoured by the uptight, posh home-counties girls with big foreheads and braying voices who look like they are as dry as sandpaper? Thought so.

Jonathon Ross Arrested Jonathon Ross has been arrested for stealing kitchen utensils from a store. Ross said afterwards it was a whisk he was prepared to take.

Gates Of Heaven Three men walk up to the pearly gates of heaven, St. peter is there to greet them. He tells the three men that heaven is a bit crowded at the moment and he can only let one of them go through right now. To be fair he tells the guys that “whoever has died the most unusual death can go ahead but the other two will have to wait. And tell them that the first to die can go first. The first guy walks up and tells St. Peter: I worked the same job and lived in the same 4oth floor apartment for the past 10 years, I would take lunch at 12pm every day and go home to eat with my wife, today I decided to surprise my wife and come home early for lunch, I walk in the door and she is standing there butt naked with a look of shock on her face. I knew in my heart that she was cheating on me, so I began going through the apartment, looking everywhere for this S.O.B she was sleeping with, as I was looking in the living room I heard someone screaming out on the patio, I open the door and there is a man hanging off the ledge, I was in such a rage I kicked his hands and watched him fall 39 floors to his death. I swear he was still moving so I dragged the refrigerator from the kitchen outside and pushed it over the patio’s railing. It was such a strain on me I had a heart attack and died, and I still don’t know if I killed him. “okay” said St. Peter “go stand over there, and let the next person who died come up” The second guy walks up and tells St. Peter: Well I just moved into my new 41st floor apartment and had today off so I thought I would do some unpacking, I was setting up my patio and not watching what I was doing and back into the railing and fell over, I was lucky enough to grab hold of the rails on the patio below and was screaming for help, when the guy came out, took one look at me and kicked my hands. I fell 39 floors and landed in trees and finally in some bushes. I knew I broke every bone in my body, but was very thankful for not dying. When out of nowhere this freaking refrigerator hits me. And I woke up here. Now St. Peter looks at the first guy and then at the second and tell him to stand far away from each other and not to talk. By now the third guy walks up and St. Peter tells him “ I don’t think you have a chance of beating either one of the first two.” And with that the third guy puts his arm around St. Peter and said “picture this….I’m Naked in a refrigerator”