Littlewoods Rant/Review What happens when a company loses all credibility? The answer is hate, I'm no fan of hate- I mean- I've followed "official Mandella" on twitter, but when I saw this advert I couldn't help but throw myself in with the haters. Drawn like moths to the metaphorical lamp, that is littlewoods. Welcome to the world of guilt trips and materialism. The 40 seconds that destroyed Christmas start on a black screen. A magical trill draws you into what looks like a stage, the curtains open. But before you can guess at the grand spectacle ahead- boom- the screen is filled with a boy wearing a disgusting black spider costume. Like something fell out of a children's horror story and rolled around in tar and mascara. In another attempt to be cute the boy sweetly sings "who put an Xbox under the tree" and the horror begins. The children on stage then sing in their sweet voices "who bought [expensive gift] for [family member]" and after each verse the camera cuts to what must be that family member, an overly humble and surprised look forced across their faces. And who did buy those gifts? Santa of course, where's the Christmas spirit? Well they do give you the answer. "My mother" After this the song breaks down into heave beats as a few "big boys" swagger on in red hoodies, they rap about what amazing presents their mum bought for people in their family, pretty handy when all of them rhyme with "Ben" honestly the song has less creativity than a gun (and about the same killing power) Wouldn't it be easy if adverts just told you their message instead of acting it out. Littlewoods' message is obvious enough: "Buy your children expensive gifts from this website because Santa is dead to them now, and littlewoods is the only way to prove you love your child" Soon, the advert reaches a climax, all the children get on stage, singing while clutching their gifts as if they were wounded babies. Finally the curtain closes, but before the screen goes black again, a small girl peers through the curtains, she is heavily made up to look like a fairy- yet is wearing a vikin helmet- and sings the answer to the "who bought" questions, as if you haven't had the answer enough already. "My lovely, lovely mother!" I was shocked at this advert, not because of its message but by why it did to my brother. Immediately after he saw it, he asked for an Xbox, despite the fact he knows we can't afford one for him. It made me sad that the advert actually worked. One word to sum up the advert: Materialistic Thank you for reading my rant this was made mainly for my English exam but I have re-written it for opuss, I hope you enjoyed it. «Alex»

Review: The Hunger Games The hunger games I recently finished reading the trilogy, three books written by Suzanne Collins, it is odd, to say the least... But is has affected my quite deeply, the plot, delivery and full force of her writing. The story is told through the eyes of Katniss Everdeen, a girl at the age of 16 living in a world set in a time somewhere in the distant future of America. The book cares little for futuristic clichés of starships and lasers. But about an oppressive government situated in a place called the Capitol, with 12 districts surrounding them, all the districts are essentially areas that survive on a particular trade that is fed to the Capitol (timber, fish, coal) And then there is the hunger games, hard to describe but what the film makes of it is: "From the treaty of the treason. In pennance for their uprising each district shall offer up a male and female between the ages of 12 to 18 at a public 'reaping.' These tributes shall be delivered to the custody of the Capitol. And then transferred to a public arena where they will fight to the death, until a lone victor remains. Henceforth and forevermore this pagent shall be known as the hunger games" Through a cruel twist of fate Katniss ends up in the hunger games, then after surviving it by defying the Capitol in an unconscious act of rebellion... Starts a revolution, which she is the face of. The story is incredible, Collins manages to make you empathise so well with the characters that you genuinely feel for them. Although the plot can be tedious in places, the main characters end up in hospital countless times, and you can see that Katniss goes through the kind of trauma I doubt anyone on earth could imagine, and by the middle of the third book you realise that so much has happened, that there can't really be a happy ending. This is really the case, as the book progresses it becomes more and more depressing. The feeling at the end of the book was warm- but leaves you hollow and downbeat. The plot is amazing, but heavy. One word to describe te hunger games: Depressing

The Smiths Suggestive humor The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.' Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...' 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.' 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?' 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'. After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?' 'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.' 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!' 'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.' 'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith. 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.' 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said. 'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.' 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith. 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look' 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. 'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.' Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?' 'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.' 'Tripod?' 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.' Mrs. Smith fainted

A Christmas Parody Twas the night before Christmas There was silence throughout Not a whisper was heard, Or a murmer, or shout When out of the silence Came a piercing sound A whinny and Ho-No Santa had hit the ground His sled doubled over His reindeer let fly Scattered into the distance, Leaving Santa, to die 'Twas at that one moment That Johnny awoke And out of his window Saw fire and smoke He donned his night gown His shoes and a hat And saw lying on the road Somerhing red. Something fat. He asked 'you okay?' Santa managed a groan Johny spoke with a sigh: 'I guess I'll take you home' He helped Santa back home Johny told him his name But Santa had to make A big insurance claim With a sled on it's way Both relaxed and were calm They talked of their lives When Johnny thought, with alarm 'A sled with no reindeers Could surely not fly?' 'I'll see about that' Was santa's only reply He blew on a whistle Which did not make a sound But soon we heard the rumble Of feet on the ground And all 7 reindeer Returned hard and fast, and not 5 minutes later A lorry drove past The lorry was large And behind it's large doors There sat a new slay For old Santa Claus. Santa stared in delight, Tied his deer to his slay, He salvaged his sack And could soon be on his way But just before leaving As thanks to kind John, Santa plucked from his sack A present that Johny could open at dawn Then with no time to lose His new slay took flight 'Merry Christmas' he said 'And to all a good night!'