Netflix Adventures: "Kill Katie Malone" This review is crossposted from http://blog.dave.io --- My Netflix subscription allows me to select from a vast quantity of straight-to-video turkeys, mostly low-budget horror flicks, to act as background noise and flashing lights while I do something altogether more important – or so I like to tell myself. I want to share these underrated gems with (read: inflict these horrorshows on) as many people as humanly possible. So, welcome to the first instalment of Netflix Adventures. Before we start, let’s take the cover apart for a moment. Line one: "DEAN CAIN". Dean Cain, famous for being in that sketchy but fun 90s Superman TV incarnation, is in this film for a total of 60 seconds at most. Line two: the title, "KILL KATIE MALONE". Let’s be very clear about this; absolutely nobody in this film is trying to kill Katie Malone. In fact, we don’t even find out who she *is* until about halfway in. I can sympathise, though – “Inconsistent Internet Auction Demon Box: The Movie” would never sell DVDs. Line three: what may be the finest tagline in cinematographic history, "Never Buy A Demon On The Internet". This is great advice, which I shall be taking to heart from here on in. That said, when we finally do find out who Katie Malone is, in a fit of coherence rather uncharacteristic to this film she’s always referred to as a ghost – never as a demon. We have a low-budget film on our hands with cover art that bears little resemblance to what actually happens on-screen. Maybe it’s a lack of attention to detail, maybe it’s representative of continuous changes to the script throughout production. Either way, it’s a sign that we have an A-grade turkey on our hands. Kill Katie Malone doesn’t disappoint. We start out with a collection of three friends, students at the same nondescript American university that all slasher films feature. The clichés come thick and fast; we have our reassuringly cisgender white male in the role of the protagonist, the long-term female 'nerdy but hot' friend whose romantic inclusion is simply a matter of time, and the wisecracking yet insecure comic-relief black guy. It's not so much characterisation as the Dorling-Kindersley Bumper Book of Roles. The film starts with Dean Cain Sequence #1. He's a father, and walks in on his daughter opening a strange wooden box and lighting a match. He expresses his terror by using Dean Cain Facial Expression no. 3 of 5, shortly before his daughter is frozen solid by some truly terrible CGI. It's worth noting at this point that the match itself, which is given significant screen time, is never mentioned again and plays no role whatsoever in the lore of the film. My only explanation might be that the director really likes matches. Cut to the aforementioned nondescript American university. Our cookie-cutter protagonist and all of his friends are Movie Students, and as Movie Students they're well-fed, well-housed, and well-dressed, yet completely broke. Generic Protagonist finds an auction online for a ghost (note: *not a sodding demon*) in a box, which is advertised as capable of granting wishes "like a genie". At this stage, we've hit a supernatural beings trifecta, each being with their own lore, allowing the director free reign to make shit up. Spoiler: he's going to use this opportunity to the full, because consistency is just dull. After borrowing money from his (broke) friends to buy this ghost/demon/genie, we find out that Dean Cain is the seller and he's not the only one bidding for it. Dropping $50 on the box - which would have fed me for a fortnight at university, but whatever - he wins the auction by sniping it at the last minute. The movie unfolds with tedious inevitability. The box does contain a ghost! The ghost has her own history! She does grant wishes because all she wants is a family! In a grossly tasteless move, the friends realise at one point that they've essentially enslaved a human soul, so they set her free. By the film's logic, this is, of course, a ludicrously stupid idea. Without someone to serve she has no family. She responds to this betrayal, as the film portrays it, by seeking revenge on the group of friends. A tirade of badly executed psychological horror follows, until Generic Protagonist contacts the person that he outbid for the box, who turns out to be a ghost hunter (arbitrary goth girl, of course). She tells him that the only way to be rid of him is to sell the box on - and she'll buy it. What follows is a nailbiting (note: not nailbiting in the slightest) sequence in which a credit card being declined is used for suspenseful effect. Put it this way, it's not going to win any Oscars. Generic Protagonist saves Nerdy But Hot, and - somewhat shockingly for this calibre of film - Comic Relief Black Guy doesn't die either. Ghost Hunter Goth Girl receives the box, making it clear that she'll never open it and the world is safe from the ghost. Then! Suddenly! In a shock moment that was telegraphed *from the very start*, Dean Cain and his make-up walk through the door. Ghost Hunter Goth Girl is his daughter! She throws a teenage hissy fit at him! He notices the box! He drops it on the floor! It opens! Fade to black! I piss and I moan, but for all of its stupidity and inconsistency *with itself*, it's not an entirely dull movie. If you've got it on in the background, it's entertaining and schlocky enough to provide background stimuli. Just, in the name of all that is holy, watch it through Netflix, where you're not technically spending any (significant amount of) money on it.