Questions A lot of questions are left in my mind right now. How can I feel so low, after having high hopes just earlier before going home? How can it happen again, that that same person or people can make me feel lost with my purpose? How can some people tell me how selfish I am when all I ever thought about was having that chance to give back? Why can I feel much hurt when all I wanted was just to be happy? Why can I feel despair in an instant, just like that? Why do always have to cry silently and alone, when I see a lot of people around me? Why do I always choose that option? Or why am I always out of option? Why am I still feeling sad when I have tried so hard to find some happiness? Why do I still choose to live this #life when it is clear how empty my future will be? I know how lucky I am as compared to those that are abandoned, but why am I still feeling awful? Why can't just people understand each other as much as they should be? Why am I often hurt by the ones I deeply love? Sadness, why can't you just leave me alone? All I wanted was to feel that I mattered, to feel that I am doing good. Why can't I just do that? Why did I even bothered dreaming high about my future, when all I would have is this feeling of emptiness and uselessness to the people I call family? All I wanted was that chance to give back. I'm tired of feeling so alone, so lost.

Just Thoughts.... It has been a while that I started to feel a bit depressed. A lot of regrets have crossed my mind. The what ifs of my #life. I am still wondering why things had to happen in the past, and how it affected my present. If I passed that exam years back, what could have been? Or maybe if I did, I would not have met some people I know now that have become my friends. So, I guess there's always that good side of things if there are bad ones. Another thing might be because I am starting to miss people I have worked with, either those that are in far away places now, or those that have passed away. Grief and regrets are one damn mixture I am or anyone's not happy to mess with. Just yesterday, maybe its kinda God's way to keep me on my feet, I felt some hope that things may turn out okay eventually. I may sound petty to some, but my parents-- headed by my skeptic dad, put up Christmas lights outside by our gates. I thought it was a sweet gesture because it has been decades since I saw him decorate our home for holidays and after his infidelity-issue I was until then that I saw him that eager to do something for our home. Well, on the other hand, just this afternoon, my mom impulsively reminded me how I haven't been contributing to much of our household expenses. I know she loves me a lot, otherwise I'd be bumming out 'cause she'd kick me out herself, but at that moment, I just felt sad because it's true that I haven't been much of a help at home even if I have been around more than my two other siblings. Maybe this is what some call middlechild syndrome, but as much as possible I don't want to rationalize this feeling with too much psychology involved. I honestly am happy and proud of what everyone in the family has achieved and are going through, but I also have those moments that I also wanted to accomplish somethings for myself as well. Regardless and outside the issue of having to earn money, the only thing I am sure that I want and dream of is to find myself (I know it's cliché) by travelling to another place other than here so that I may meet more people and learn about #life and be happy myself. I am not sure if it will have to be with a husband or my own children, but I just want my purpose to be clear enough for me before I kick the bucket. I would understand if I kick the bucket younger than expected, but I just want to feel happiness and content with or without money involved. I am just not certain how to do that. Maybe, one step at a time for me. I often wonder why do everything have to be this way, I wish people just don't have to purchase everything just for them to have something. Whose idea is the concept of "money" as value anyway? I hate you. If only we don't need money to travel in planes and produce or share our food and other needs or other material possessions... then people wouldn't mind to care for everybody other than themselves.

Dreaming... It's kinda hard to dream these days. Just when you're about to do something to make it all happen, another thing goes on your way. What to do--what to do? However, I just can't stop right there.

Awww... It's Christmas Vacation, finally!... Hmmm, that's what I thought, but not quite sure. I miss being carefree and relaxed just because it's holidays and I don't have to do anything because it's "my break." *Sigh...

Dreams, Dwarves, and Love Dwarf friend: Dwarves dont get sick... Must be in your head. Beauty: It's not in his head. It's in his heart. You're in love. Dwarf friend: But thats impossible! Dwarves can't fall in-love! Beauty: Trust me, I know love and... You're in it. Dwarf friend: *exits* Dreamy/Grumpy: What's it like? Beauty: It's the most wonderful and amazing thing in the world! Love is hope, it fills our dreams... and if you're in it, you need to enjoy it... because love doesn't always last forever. Dreamy/Grumpy: But if loves so great, why do I feel so bad right now? Beauty: You need to be with the person you love! Dreamy/Grumpy: Yeah, but how do I know she feels the same way?... All she talked about was going... to see some fireflies, not loving me. Beauty: But what did she tell you about these fireflies? Dreamy/Grumpy: That she is going to see them at the hilltop tonight... that she heard they are the most beautiful sight in all the land. Beauty: *Chuckles* Dreamy/Grumpy: What?! Beauty: She wasn't telling you about the fireflies, she was inviting you to go be with her. Dreamy/Grumpy: You think so? Beauty: I've had my heart broken enough, to know when somebody's reaching out... Now go! Find your love! Find your hope. Find your dreams. - from Once Upon A Time, Season 1 Episode 14, Grumpy/Leroy's Tale