The Gingerbread Man I guess you think you know this story. You don't, the real one's much more gory. The phoney one, the one you know, Was cooked up years and years ago, And made to sound all soft and sappy Just to keep the children happy. Mind you, they got the first bit right, The bit where in the dead of night, An old woman baked some gingerbread For her husband who was sick in bed. She gave the biscuit a little face, And put him in the oven to bake For you see she had no child, no joy, So fashioned the gingerbread into a boy But soon he bellowed ‘Help, let me out!’ The old woman heard him scream and shout She opened the oven by candlelight And asked the cookie ‘are you all right?’ With that the half-baked gingerbread man Leapt out of the sticky oven pan He grabbed a knife from the counter side And stabbed the pensioner in the eyes He cackled ‘Take that you stupid hag!’ Before strangling her with an old dishrag Then the little man who was made of dough Jumped onto a table and out the window Now, her husband who had been asleep upstairs Dreaming peacefully and previously unaware That his wife was bleeding to her death Grabbed his shotgun and with a deep breath Shouted, ‘you’ll be sorry for what you’ve done today, You were not baked to disobey!’ But the gingerbread fellow could only laugh For the old man would be lost in the woods with no footpath ‘Run, run, run as fast as you can You can’t catch me, I’m the gingerbread man!’ Whilst in the woods he came across A cunning, scheming, little fox Who was rather hungry it must be said And fancied a treat before he went home to bed ‘Can I help you oh sweet gingerbread man?’ But being helpful was not his plan ‘You look somewhat in disarray, I have somewhere warm where you can stay.’ However, wee Gingey was far too clever And would not a trust a fox, not ever So he swiftly snapped off a branch from a nearby tree And said ‘I hope for your sake you die instantly’ He plunged the branch into the fox’s brain I think you’ll agree that that’s far from humane. With a hop, skip and a jump, so as not to get caught, He left fox’s body to decompose and rot. Meanwhile the old man, shotgun in hand Had chosen to follow the gingerbread man Trying to stay quiet upon his black stead He rode into the forest at a galloping speed But the gingerbread man had planned it all He whipped out a phone and made one call ‘Hello? Is that the wolf? Oh yes! I need to get rid of a little pest…’ And so with that the wolf did arrive I think it is clear who didn’t survive. A brutal attack on the horse was made The old man dropped his gun and he started to pray: ‘Oh Lord, please, I’m a good fella!’ But Gingey wanted to make him tremor For he had been locked in a scorching oven And given just three gumdrop buttons! After the horse the wolf turned to the man This is where the real horror began They ripped out his stomach, chopped off his hands His copper red blood seeping into the land ‘Without a stomach you can’t eat me, With no hands to grab, at last I am free!’ He ran into the night, the wolf at his side Leaving the old man to die far, far behind. ‘Run, run, run as fast as you can You can’t catch me, I’m the gingerbread man!’ Nearby little Miss Red Riding Hood Had been watching from within the woods She was horrified and less than pleased With Gingey’s bloody killing spree So she went home to gather some tools and friends And made a plan to get the biscuit boy dead She chased him and the wolf towards a river Just the sight of the water made Gingey shiver ‘Wolf I can’t swim, I’m made of gingerbread!’ ‘Jump on my tail then or you’ll soon be dead’ But as they got close to the other side The wolf came up with a plan and lied ‘You’re too heavy for my tail, it seems Jump on my nose, the ride’s a dream’ But Red Riding Hood had guessed wolf’s plan And this time she would save the gingerbread man For she wanted to get him for herself Would the wolf eat him? Would he hell! The little girl began to snicker She pulled out a gun from inside her knickers Then aimed it at the creature’s head Bang bang bang, she shot him dead Little pink piggies, one, two, three, Carried the wolf away with glee Now it was poor Gingey’s turn to scream ‘I’m the gingerbread man and you can’t catch me!’ ‘Oh but I have,’ Miss Riding Hood replied, The boy made from gingerbread was terrified She snapped his legs off one by one ‘You can’t get away without legs to run’ Next the little girl poured a glass of milk Spread a napkin on her lap that was made of silk ‘I don’t care what you have to say, I’m going to eat you anyway.’ Gingey was gone in one big bite, Much to little Red Riding Hood’s joy and delight She crumbled legs in the palm of her hand And that was the end of the gingerbread man I bumped into Miss Hood only yesterday But I didn’t really want to stay She had Rumplestiltskin round for tea And he’s really not the guy for me But oh my, she has changed a lot (Some even say she’s lost the plot!) No cloak of red, no silly hood, But instead a wolf skin for Miss Riding Hood. She cackled ‘I ate the wolf up for my supper, And the piglets were pudding – I made them suffer!’ Now, I doubt you’ll know of anyone That would do that sort of thing for fun. But Red Riding just howled with laughter This story has no happy ever after…