I’m not going to understand it.
Events from 10 years past
Haunt me in the present
They are just as beyond my control now as they were then
I remember the hatred, the disdain
I confided in someone
And ended feeling betrayed
I couldn’t understand it.
So much of me blamed me
So much of my soul said it was my fault
So little trust in those around me
I sat at the bottom of an ocean alone.
I rescinded everything,
Did everything to try to pretend it never happened,
Refused to discuss, refused to seek help
The confusion fed my delusion
Because I was always “the responsible one”
“ The Golden Child“
How could I, The shining trophy,
Create such a stain on my history?
The easiest answer was to erase it.

I see now
It was only the beginning.
There’s no way I could’ve known
And it was never my fault.
I had no idea. I could’ve never understood it.
While I’m tempted to blame those who should’ve protected me,
It does no use.
They cannot hurt anyone else with their lack of perspective
I was the last in line.
They are too grown to change.
The roles are different now.
I can’t begin to understand it all
There is no way for me to fix what was broken
There’s no way to give this knowledge to me 10 years ago.
As much as I continue to try and heal,
The hatred, the disdain, the trauma
Lives in the shadows
A reminder what I’ve been through
A motivator to prevent it for others.
The darkness will continue to breed my lack of understanding
I use it to find the light and the peace
In teaching others to swim.