Untitled 1 Sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode. In a shower of stars and wishes. There's so much I want, nay need, to see and do. To experience and taste. My heart sometimes feels like it's going to beat out of my chest. Like it's too big to contain anymore. I want to put all the treasured memories, both good and bad, out there for the entire world to understand but I'm not ready for that. Not yet. I don't know if I'll ever be ready and the thought of doing something so brave, so bold, terrifies me. It shakes me right to my core. It touches the empty black hole inside of me. It seems to be the only feeling that can do that and that's a horrible thought - fear is the only thing I feel. I don't cry. I don't show love. I just thrive on fear. It's like my heroin. But then sometimes, when there's nothing around me but imposing darkness, I wonder if that fear is actually a good thing. After all, if I need that to feel, surely it means I'll do whatever I need too to feel it. Exactly like an addict. But then the fear of feeling fear bubbles inside of me and I end up defeated. I've learnt defeat is the sour accomplice of fear. They shouldn't belong together but they do. And then I come full circle and I realise I want to explode. Again.