The Invisible Scars Of War: The Invisible Scars Of War (PTSD): This is a really long posting but I pray that you take the time to read it because it's important. I wrote this over a year ago after I'd reached an absolute rock bottom in my #life. I recently stumbled onto it & was reminded of who I had once been, the desperation that PTSD & an opiate addiction I found myself battling with after 11 surgeries had driven me to, how hard I've fought, & how far I've come to be who, what, & where I am today! Thank you for taking the time to listen! ~Who I once was: I mention these things not to boast or brag, but to contrast what I had become, how far I'd fallen, and what PTSD took from me. ~I once was an innocent babe held in the arms of a loving mother, guided by the hand of a wise & caring father. ~I once was a curious child, able to find joy in the simplicity's of #life & a limitless imagination, playing in a sandbox, climbing trees, or playing in a muddy garden. I lit the bathroom on fire when I pretended to roast marshmallows over a candle. Dismantled my parent’s two day old radio just to figure out how it worked which quickly became a childhood obsession that changed from a destructive curiosity to a productive hobby when I eventually figured out how to fix things, and then put them back together. ~I once was a mischievous teen who managed to raise trouble & wreak havoc in any situation. I was a skater punk & a snowboarder. An accomplished athlete who excelled in nearly everything I set my mind to. Played Hockey from the age of 2, a varsity wrestler junior high through high school, went undefeated 6th through 8th grade holding the regional championship titles, & went to state in high school where I then got my ass handed to me! I played Rugby & my team took state in both my junior & senior years. Was a decent goalie in soccer, a regional fencing champion (yes, sword fighting), won a few small local racquetball tournaments, climbed 11 out of 54 of Colorado's highest peaks! Spent months at a time backpacking, camping, & surviving in the Rockies with no food or shelter, just living off the land! ~I once was an adventurous young man with large aspirations. Who traveled Europe, drank in Irish Pubs, attempted to climb the Austrian Alps naked after some excessive celebration on my 21st birthday, drove on the Autobahn, drank liter sized biers in the Hauf Brau Haus in Munich, ate the Prague mystery dog in the Czech Republic, walked in the footsteps of my ancestors through the Highlands of Scotland, witnessed the majestic green rolling hills in Ireland, the aftermath of the IRA in Belfast Northern Ireland, "Partied Like It Was 1999" because it was actually 1999. I kissed a beautiful girl as the clock struck twelve & the fireworks exploded in the Dublin skies on '99 - 2000 New Year. I drank Guinness straight from the mother’s breast in the Guinness Brewery then posed for pictures in front of St. James Gate! Was rarely seen without a sketchbook, an easel, & a canvas to give glimpse through the window of my soul & inspiration, or clay to mold as it takes on shape & comes to #life in my hands. I studied Theology, Old Testament Greek, Philosophy, Poetry, & even started a "Dead Poets Society" which drew a much larger following than I could have ever foreseen. ~After 9/11 I became a man as I followed in the footsteps of warriors past. Stood in the yellow footprints of our nations bravest heroes at the MCRD (Marine Corps Recruit Depot) in San Diego, earned the right to wear the Eagle Globe & Anchor, to call myself one of "The Few The Proud", & the title of a United States Marine! Graduated top of my class in the Marine Corps' "Computer Data Network" school, received a meritorious promotion to the rank of Lance Corporal the day after I was promoted to Private First Class. Was selected for an advanced follow on school to be a "Tactical Data Network Specialist", later I became a "Field Radio Operator" & volunteered to deploy with with Infantry Marines to Ar Ramadi, the capital city of the Al Anbar Province in Iraq, referred to by the US Department of State as "The most volatile & dangerous city in the world" from 2005 - 2007 until we kicked it's ass! I was the "Non-Commissioned Officer" in charge of the personal security detail for the governor of the province who had over 30 attempts on his #life in the short time I was there. ~I once was a shit hot, loud, Proud, & Fearless Sergeant of Marines. Forged in the fire of combat with blood, sweat, & tears through the hell that is war! I am a 4 time expert marksman & beat out roughly 280 other Marines for the Hotel Company high shooter award! Shot competitively for the Marine Corps Rifle Team, shooting at distances of up to 600 meters with open iron sights (no scope) & over 1,000 meters with a scope! I am a Green Belt in the Marine Corps Martial Arts Program which is the Corps' version of MMA "Mixed Martial Arts". I was the "NCO of the Quarter" with over 200 combat patrols, "Military Person of the Year", & was awarded a medal for "Combat Valor". I was brave, courageous, & willing to selflessly give my very last breath of #life for my country, my corps, my brothers! "Give Me Liberty or Give Me Death" is my personal creed! I lived through & witnessed more death & destruction in one day in Ramadi than most do in a #lifetime. I know the true cost of freedom first hand & I will NEVER take it for-granted. ~I was a gym rat, a fitness freak. I bench pressed 300 pounds & still wanted more! I spent 7 days a week 2 - 3 hours a day lifting, striving to reach my maximum potential & then pushing just a little bit further! I gave 120%, because anything less can get people killed in combat! I'm a leader of Marines & won't accept anything less from my men. I push them, break them, and forge them into warriors. I instill a desire to live, to dig deep inside to find that reason why they had enlisted, to pull it out & never let it go, never quit, to push through the pain because the body will never quit until the mind tells it to! Through extreme repetition I shape & mold muscle memory that reacts without conscious thought, so that it will never fail themselves or their brothers, because when the bullets begin to snap past their heads there is no time to think, split second decisions are made which result in #life or death! I provided the skills to survive, to kill, or to save a #life, Marines are conditioned to seek out the fight, to close with & destroy the enemy! We don't hide, we don't run, we never leave a brother behind, & we NEVER surrender, we don't know how! We live to fight & fight to live! Every Marine from an admin clerk, computer nerd, or a cook is a rifleman first, trained to fight! We're cocky sons of bitches but only because we're the best at what we do! We defiantly look death in the eyes, laugh in his face, give him the finger, & tell him he's knocking on the wrong fucking door! First to fight is our creed & Semper Fidelis (Always Faithful) is our motto! Semper Fidelis to God, Country, & Corps. Semper Fidelis to our brothers in arms, to the mission at hand! & Semper Fidelis to our families & loved ones back home! ~The invisible scars of war (PTSD): ~I locked myself away into a dungeon of self-seclusion. My heart is empty, shriveled, rotten, black, & devoid of all feeling. I held my 1911 .45 to my temple as I contemplated pulling the trigger & bringing this miserable existence to an end! After 11 surgeries I found myself battling with an addiction to pain killers that killed off much of myself that once made me happy, I no longer write poetry, sketch, draw, or paint, the creative spirit that once inspired me is dead. I no longer go to church or pray. The will to live was smothered from my soul. The strength to survive withered away. My mind is overflowing with the gruesome realities of war, the images are seared onto the insides of my eyelids, flash before my eyes with every blink, & are stuck on an endless loop in my dreams! But more horrific than the images alone were the smells, the overwhelming scent of decaying, rotting death & blood permeates my lungs! The sticky reddish brown rust color of blood has forever stained my hands. The coppery metallic scent fills my mouth, singes my nostrils, stains my sense of taste, strangles my throat, & smothers the breath from my lungs! My body, mind, & soul is in a perpetual state of anguish. My head throbs with a constant headache as deranged memories & broken thoughts ceaselessly race through my brain! #life has become a slow & tortuous prelude to an ever too distant death! I'm broken, lonely, & deprived! I've abandoned my morality as I've delved into my bottomless pit of #depression, banished my self-conscience from my thought process because I'm sick of arguing with it!.. ~What my future holds: ~I want to be a fucking man again. I want to live or die by my promises because a man is only as good as his word! I want to dig deep & find the joy in my #life that now seems so far from reach! I want a purpose that drives me to succeed & makes me a better man! I want to dream again & to find the will to pursue them! I want to rip the thorns from my cold broken heart that has stolen the inspiration that once made me such a great artist, writer, & poet. I want to find a love that fills my void & heals my leprous soul, a flame to light my extinguished spirit, & the strength to free myself from the addiction that has imprisoned me. And there's no doubt in my mind that one day soon, I will, because I will never stop fighting, I will never give up, I will never run, I will find a desire to live, I will dig deep inside to find that reason I had to serve my country, the reason to live #life to the fullest, to pull it out & never let it go, never quit, to push through the pain because my body will never quit until my mind tells it to! I will not hide, I will not run, I will never leave a brother behind & I will NEVER surrender, because I don't know how! I will fight to live & I live to love! My #life is an unfinished book, the possibilities are endless, the future is what I make of it! & I will not let this dark time in my #life define me any longer! I wrote this over a year ago after I'd reached an absolute rock bottom in my #life. I recently stumbled onto it & was reminded of who I had once been, the desperation that PTSD & an opiate addiction I found myself battling with after 11 surgeries had driven me to, how hard I've fought, & how far I've come to be who, what, & where I am today! I've been clean & sober for over a year now & for the first time in years I can imagine a future of possibilities & hope. While PTSD isn't the kind of affliction that will ever go away, I have slowly learned to live again! 22 Veterans a day lose their battle with PTSD, I nearly joined that statistic several times. The hardest part of living with PTSD is the isolation, the loneliness. The feeling of being misunderstood, that no one else could possibly comprehend the things you've been through. The feeling of being unappreciated, forgotten, & left behind!!! The success in my struggles, the new found hope & joy I have found today has largely been due to extending my outstretched arm to help my fellow Veterans who have come to believe as I once did that their purpose & journey in this #life has come to a miserable end, & helping them realize that their journey has only just begun! I'm not alone & I will never leave a brother behind! Semper Fi, Sgt Miller, USMC Retired.