Sin Eater'sJournal-Entry 38 Entry 38 My knees were weak under me as I tried to stand. I couldn't pull my eyes from the face of my mother…my dead mother. The sight of her drained my already flagging will power and my knees buckled. I placed my hands over my face, trying to block the sight of my slaughtered mother from my eyes, to give me a minute to gather myself. But that ghastly image was still there even after I managed to close my eyes and cover them with my hands. I thought I was prepared, but I was prepared for a different scenario. I tried to tell myself that it wasn't that much different. I had come expecting my mother to be marked and to find my father dead. The reverse had happened. For some reason it was so much worse. Crawford knew it would be. Through gritted teeth and blurred eyes, I fought for control of myself, fought to stamp down the grief and torment inside of me for at least a little bit…dear God, for at least a little bit. I fought the rage. As much as I wanted to wrap myself in it’s warm embrace, to engulf myself in it’s power, I fought the rage. I needed to be in control. I had another parent to say goodbye to. The demon caged inside of me whispered in my ear, taunting me, pointing out all the things I missed, telling me what a fool I’d been, working to topple the final restraints that were holding me together. I knew that I mustn’t let it. I mustn’t let it, but it was so hard not to listen, not to give in. I clenched my hands into fist, squeezing as hard as I could. The jagged edge of the ring containing Nina Franks’s hair bit into the flesh of my finger. I accepted the pain and squeezed harder, until I felt blood running between my fingers. I focused on the pain, used it to ground the torrent of my emotions. There was still hellfire I had to walk through. Without averting my eyes, I found the edge of the sheets on the bed and pulled them up, hiding the bloody stain on the bed. I managed to stand. I walked around the bed and settled the covers back over my mother’s shoulders, making it look like she was asleep. I leaned over and kissed her brow. Her skin was cold against my lips. The sensation made my gut churn. “I love you, mom.” I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and turned. With effort, I walked away from my mother and into the hallway. I gently pulled the door shut behind me, turning the knob so the latch wouldn’t click. Downstairs, I heard laughter. Copyright2014 Wade Hunter