For The First Time I awoke, My heart weighed down. Cold stare at the ceiling, Stillness filled my limbs. How did I come this far? How could I be so stupid? The thoughts fill my head, With Doubts of my own integrity. I have used my own energy, I have wasted all my resources... Laid wide awake most nights, Hid behind my "know it all" mask. Maybe it started with the hurt? No ...before that... Perhaps the relationship with them? No ....not that either... It began with that little lie... Yes that's where it began... I fooled myself with that lil lie, "It's only once, it's harmless"... Look where that got me! Now I'm lying here Desperate for someone to rescue me, Desperate for my own redemption... Lord, I know you hate sin... But you love the sinner... You gave your Son for me Knowing all I'd do and say. You say you have a better plan, Better than my past, or what I think. Your a healer, I know this But I need you right now... Perform an open heart surgery Heal all the pain that Has been made... Not only that others have brought in, But the own pain I have caused to myself. You give your forgiveness freely, But I can't seem to forgive others, And most of all ....myself... Let me love myself the way you love me... I then closed my eyes... And for the first time.. I felt God so near..and pain came in... It came in the form of tears, Releasing the burden from my soul And for the first time... I felt like everything is going to be alright. Thank you Lord for always believing in me.-L