Just Thoughts.... It has been a while that I started to feel a bit depressed. A lot of regrets have crossed my mind. The what ifs of my #life. I am still wondering why things had to happen in the past, and how it affected my present. If I passed that exam years back, what could have been? Or maybe if I did, I would not have met some people I know now that have become my friends. So, I guess there's always that good side of things if there are bad ones. Another thing might be because I am starting to miss people I have worked with, either those that are in far away places now, or those that have passed away. Grief and regrets are one damn mixture I am or anyone's not happy to mess with. Just yesterday, maybe its kinda God's way to keep me on my feet, I felt some hope that things may turn out okay eventually. I may sound petty to some, but my parents-- headed by my skeptic dad, put up Christmas lights outside by our gates. I thought it was a sweet gesture because it has been decades since I saw him decorate our home for holidays and after his infidelity-issue I was until then that I saw him that eager to do something for our home. Well, on the other hand, just this afternoon, my mom impulsively reminded me how I haven't been contributing to much of our household expenses. I know she loves me a lot, otherwise I'd be bumming out 'cause she'd kick me out herself, but at that moment, I just felt sad because it's true that I haven't been much of a help at home even if I have been around more than my two other siblings. Maybe this is what some call middlechild syndrome, but as much as possible I don't want to rationalize this feeling with too much psychology involved. I honestly am happy and proud of what everyone in the family has achieved and are going through, but I also have those moments that I also wanted to accomplish somethings for myself as well. Regardless and outside the issue of having to earn money, the only thing I am sure that I want and dream of is to find myself (I know it's cliché) by travelling to another place other than here so that I may meet more people and learn about #life and be happy myself. I am not sure if it will have to be with a husband or my own children, but I just want my purpose to be clear enough for me before I kick the bucket. I would understand if I kick the bucket younger than expected, but I just want to feel happiness and content with or without money involved. I am just not certain how to do that. Maybe, one step at a time for me. I often wonder why do everything have to be this way, I wish people just don't have to purchase everything just for them to have something. Whose idea is the concept of "money" as value anyway? I hate you. If only we don't need money to travel in planes and produce or share our food and other needs or other material possessions... then people wouldn't mind to care for everybody other than themselves.