Disappointment I hate being a disappointment. Seeing the look in my mother's eyes that cry, "Who are you? You are not the daughter I raised or wanted. Get out of me and my family's #life." It's like a stab to the heart. My own mother doesn't even said love you anymore. Maybe I am a disappointment. What if I am what they say. Maybe I really am a drug addict who doesn't care about my #life. I run from my problems and let people walk all over me. Why do I let people do that to me? People don't understand that there is a heart inside this body. I'm not just an ATM or a ride or a fuck buddy. I'm a real person with feelings too. Here I am talking about being a therapist and shit. I'm probably more messed up than those kids. Why does my mind work like this? Why can't I stand up for myself and become somebody? Not even a year ago I was one the right track. Then I moved out and tried to do things on my own. Look how that turned out. I'm no longer a virgin, I'm such a whore. I smoke weed and do drugs like a fuckn addict. Drugs aren't helping my problems go away. Yeah they're giving me a good night but the shit is still on the front doorstep. Until I face the shit, it's just gonna sit there and smell shittier every day I put it off. Just one more thing to be ashamed of. I wish I was stronger as a person. It would literally solve at least 75% of my problems. If I was a stronger person, I wouldn't let people treat me the way they do. I'd stand up for myself and let people know I'm not one to mess with. If I was stronger, I'd be able to stop myself from wanting to do drugs. I would be able to make my own decisions feeling confident and not afraid of my mom or family bitching at me. I'd be strong enough to know how I should be treated by everyone and what friends to be friends with. Being strong can give me the brains to function instead of what I'm doing now. My #life would be completely different if I would just gain some confidence and strength in myself. I've been beaten down so many times by people whom I love in the past that my self confidence is almost non-existent. And I can't blame anyone but myself. I could have been a normal teenage girl and stood up for myself with my parents. I could have yelled and slammed the door in my mom's face which would have probably helped my confidence. I was always the girl who would sit on the couch, crying my eyes out with my hands crossed in my lap just praying it would be over. The worst feeling in the world was looking at them. Seeing the disappointment in their eyes killed me the most. It broke my heart every time they yelled at me because when they would yell at me, I'd look at the ground and imagine seeing this from someone else's point of view. A little girl, sitting on the couch, looking scared shitless while two adults yell at her and make her feel like shit. How could two people who brought me into this world treat me like that? Correction, treat me like THIS. They look at me with such disappointment and disapproval. They see me as a delinquent more than a daughter. With the lies I've told and the hearts I've heart, I wouldn't blame them. Seeing the look in my dad's eyes the first time he picked me up from the cops, will never leave my head. It was that silent moment in the car while we were parked at home that I realized how much I disappoint them. I'll never forgot the words he said, "Get out of my car before I hit you." My own father is so ashamed of me, that he was willing to physically harm his 16 year old first born daughter. And people wonder why I have no confidence. I am nothing but a disappointment. A drug addict. A liar. Selfish. Ungrateful. Immature. Unwanted. How do I build up confidence if there's nothing I build with? No one in my entire #life has ever sat me down and asked me how I was doing. Not one person. They send me to 7 therapists and expect me to open up and work out my mental issues. But how am I supposed to trust a stranger with thoughts like "Kayla, this world, your family, your friends, they won't care if you die. It's not like you're real to them anyways. You do selfish things for selfish reasons that you can't explain to anyone because of how fucked up in the head you are. So do the world a favor and kill yourself." Every time I'm driving, I think of swerving. Every time I see a knife, I think of stabbing myself. No one wants to know what I think or feel because I think about suicide daily and feel like I'm losing my family and slowly all of my friends. I look at my #life through my parents eyes and all I see is disappointment. I didn't get a class, disappointment. I don't have a roommate, disappointment. I have tattoos, disappointment. Everything in my #life is getting messed up because I'm losing interest in #life. Confidence in myself. I'm whoring myself around, losing relations with my entire family, dropping out of school, and I'm about to lose my job. I have no one in my #life who I can turn to. I am literally alone. No family. No friends. And why? Because of me. I ruined my own #life with not dealing with shit while it's happening. I ruined my #life with not standing up for myself. I ruined my #life with becoming friends with back stabbers. I ruined my #life because I wasn't a good big sister or daughter. I ruined my #life because...because I do not love myself enough to change. I punish myself for the mistakes I have made against the ones I love by letting people fuck me over. By letting my parents yell while I say nothing. By letting girls beat me up and not fight back. I deserve the #life I am living because of the way I used to treat people. I broke my parents heart. I failed my siblings as a big sister. I cheated on my boyfriend. For as many lies as I've told, hearts I have broken, and tears I have shed, I deserve feeling alone. Out of self punishment. No one else is in the blame for my actions. As much as I wish I could blame it on my parents, it was still my fault. Yes, blaming myself isn't going to solve anything. Inflicting pain and loneliness is only pathetic and sounds like I want attention. I'm not pathetic but I do want attention. I want someone to just dedicate some time to listening to me and actually letting me get everything out that I've held in for so long. I want to be heard and understood for once. Not ignored or talked over by. Just someone who will listen until I feel confident again in my #life decisions. That's all.