im a wanderer When they tried to help me, they couldnt. Because i felt nothing. And no one could interperet my 'i dont knows', even myself. Once a moment was gone, i could never figure out what i felt in that moment. Dr. Kyle told me to write exactly what i felt when i felt it, and this book started with words and pictures. Sometimes a smiley face or a simple 'tired', and then i realized, that these didnt describe how i felt. Two dots and a crooked line could not describe why i was feeling joy, if someone else was causing it, and how much happiness it was. Two dots and a crooked line could describe falling in love with your soulmate, drinking your favourite tea, or running into an old friend. None of these things had anything in common except love. Love is the root of all emotions. Think about this for one second, why are you angry? Because a spouse cheated, your favourite resatuatant closed down, you got treated like shit? All of these root from your love of something(a partner, a food, acceptance.) we crave this acceptance because acceptance is equivalent to love in our eyes. Someone says they love your outfit, they accept your style and may even admire it. This acceptance is why we hate ourselves. We need this love and affection, like puppies, or we begin to believe we are not worthy of it. Even from a young age, our mother must show us affection or we cry and whine. Then, when we start to do sports and develop talents, people must praise and encourage this, or we believe we are talentless. Then when we are teenagers, we simply do not know what to do. And we know whatever someone tells us to do is wrong, because only we know what we must do. But truly, we dont know what to do. And sense no one is giving us what we want to hear, the answers from our perspective, which only we can give, we begin to get depressed. From lack of this affection. And then we believe its because of our appearence, we must be to ugly or fat to help. So we stop eating, sometimes a meal, sometimes two, and we think we can control this, and we can. Then one day, as youre puking up your lunch you realize, that you do not control this. You do not want to be so sick and angry, and you see, even though you have you have no fat to pinch at, you could not puke up your sadness. So this sadness replaces your hunger, and wats away at your mind, once their is no fat left. Then one day, you ask for help, and you get it. Youre gaining back your weight between small relapses and weight gaining pills. But then you see hwo much your teeth have yellowed from throwing up so much. And you think now, that no one loves you because you have ugly teeth. Then everyone you see with braces or crooked teeth, you decide not to talk to them, because if youre seen with people with the same imperfection youll be catergorized with that imperfection. Birds of a feather flock together, right? So you whiten your teeth and stop drinking black coffee, even if its your favourite, to be beautiful. But no amount of whitening can bleach out your blackened mind. This is the problem with #depression, its an obsession. You obsess over something, thinking if you fix it youll be happy. But youll never be happy unless you fix your peace of mind. Your mind must be settled. And this task is nearly impossible, because someone with this much hyper active thoughts, you use more thoughts to cover bad thoughts, and more thoughts to distract yourself from others thoughts. This is also called aniexty. Sometimes when you get really angry or really happy or really worried you are screening more thoughts than you can realize, and your breath gets labored and you start crying and you want to die. You think you have no control and your body is taking over your mind and you spiral downward until you finally stop crying. These are anxiety attacks and many people can be triggered by even the slighted heightened emotion. These are the worst emotions because they are not any one emotion, its like all of your feelings and memories and thoughts youve ever had flow through your brain faster than white water rapids. Many people, when in this state, especially teenagers, turn to self harm. (Before i delve into this information, I need to clear a stereotype up. Boys self harm. I believe in other ways, like excessive working out and destroying relationships. But boys and men want to be there for struggling women, so they put up a strong front, but every floodgate breaks eventually. Males do cut, burn, and struggle with the same problems, gender sterotypes are innaccurate.) Self harm is ANYTHING you do to your body that inflicts pain. Cutting, scratching, burning, overdose, pinching, biting, stitching your own cuts into shapes, amd any other way you can harm your body, Remember this. If someone who cuts, stops cutting and starts wearing bracelets they snap on their skin until their skin reddens and cracks, this is not an alternative. This is self harm. When you have these anxiey attacks all you wanna do is get rid of the pain, and you can't control these emotions coursing through your veins. So when you slice into your skin, with(for ex.) a razor, you realize, i control this. If you dont cut, you dont feel that pain. You control how deep it cuts, which controls the amount of pain. And you realize, you have control, so the pain begins as a bittersweet experience. But you begin to enjoy it more, becnause youll feel pain no matter what, but now you control it. You are the pain, the pain killer, and the pain administer. ~ #rawwrite #truth #thisisme #life #epiphany #selfharm #trigger