This Is So Teenager Of Me Nobody knows the countless days I've spent choking back tears, the days when I have to excuse myself to the bathroom every hour to keep myself from falling apart. Nobody knows the panic, the frantic nights I've spent shaking and sobbing. Nobody knows the deep rooted fear, no one knows the complete and overwhelming hatred I posses for myself. No one knows how many times I've brushed off jokes or even a person who has wanted to help. No one knows how I hate pushing people away but its all I can do. No one knows how many times I've had to bite a pillow to keep from screaming. Nobody knows the nights I spend hyperventilating, and shakily dragging a blade across my own flesh. Nobody knows the anger and the self loathing I feel when I blood spills out of my cuts. No one knows how the kids treat me. No one knows about the endless teasing and prodding and poking. No one knows how I lock myself in my room is research ways to die. Nobody knows how many times I've held the pills, or the knife. No one knows the embarrassment I feel twice a day when taking my medication, or the sinking feeling in my stomach I get whenever talking to my doctor. Nobody knows how I can be at a party, with my best friends, and still be fingering my wrists; planning for my next shredding. Nobody knows how awful and guilty I feel when someone finds out. No one knows the anger I feel when someone tries to relate to me. No one knows the crushing sadness that consumes my soul like a fire. No one knows the dark whispers in my mind. No one knows the doubt, no one knows the #depression. Nobody knows what I've been through. Nobody knows me.