It Had to Be Done It had to be done. All my focus was aimed at the clear vase containing a few soft pink orchids. I memorized every detail of the flower. The outline was white and the middle was deep rose and white. I smiled weakly at the color, noticing that it perfectly matched the color of the scarf I was wearing. The flowers were standing strong inside the vase, indicating that they were fresh. ​The bell on the door of the café chimed and I stopped breathing. It had to be done. A gaunt man came in and I let go of my breath. His curly brown hair was matted on top of his head. He looked worn when he stood in line and took off his glasses. He rubbed his eyes and stood with his back hunched over. I sighed and turned my attention back to the pretty orchids. The anticipation was making me shaky and fear overwhelmed me each time that stupid bell chimed. My impatience was growing more and more palpable, that I could tell from the sympathetic older woman at the table in front of me. But still, it had to be done. ​I let myself relax, tuning in to other worries that were floating around in my brain. I had to continue writing my research paper for history that was due in a few days. I pushed that aside and thought of my Philosophy class. My teacher was excellent, one of the best I ever had. And he liked me too. He introduced me to books he thought I might enjoy and we discussed them as I finished. Then my mind wandered to the real issue, the big one, and my stomach lurched. The bell chimed and I froze. Fear completely took over me and I silently winced as his tall, lean body slowly made its way to my table. It had to be done. I kept my gaze on the orchids, feeling the emotions drifting off of him. He sank into the chair across from me, sitting with his legs spread, his body slouched down, and his arms crossed. At that moment, he didn’t seem welcoming. He didn’t seem like the guy I had kissed many times before, the guy I had shared thoughts and fears with, and the guy I had known for years. Right now, his muscles tense, and his arms crossed, didn’t seem like the arms that have held me countless times in the past. All at once, I felt vulnerable, scared, and helpless. My usual confidence was trampled upon by his presence. “Did you decide yet?” He asked me. I forced myself to look into his eyes. His soft green eyes were distant, but mixed with anger and anxiety. I opened my mouth to answer, hoping I wouldn’t stutter. “Yes and my decision hasn’t changed.” He nodded as if I were confirming something. I knew he loved me, despite his childish behavior. What then was the source of his anger? I thought he would be elated. I put my poker face on, bracing myself for the worst. “Well I don’t agree with you.” He said through clenched teeth. I nodded, feeling my throat tighten and body beginning to tense. “I know you don’t, but can we come up with a compromise? It doesn’t have to end badly, Justin, I promise.” He rolled his eyes and I knew he was going to keep up the fight. “Please…it’ll be okay.” My voice didn’t come out strong like I wanted it too, in fact, I sounded like a pleading child, begging for the candy at the checkout counter. This was way more serious than that juvenile dilemma. Before Justin could say anymore, the waiter strode up to our table and smiled genuinely at us. Justin looked at him with palpable annoyance and his eyes mirrored those of a lion filled with rage. My heart raced in my tight chest. Never have I seen my sweet Justin so angry about anything. I had hoped he’d feel the opposite about this. “Can I get you some more water ma’am?” I nodded, never shifting my eyes from Justin’s. He stared the vase of orchids down, maybe trying to calm himself down, I prayed. “Okay, how about you sir?” The young waiter asked Justin. I felt bad for the young man who couldn’t be more than sixteen. He looked so energetic and free spirited, probably having no clue what challenges #life would throw at him as he grew older. I remember feeling that way and now I wish I was still that ignorant young girl. “I’ll have water.” The waiter grinned and said, “Alright guys, I’ll be back.” He turned his back to leave. I took a sip of water, still studying Justin’s face and feeling as though he was rejecting me, sending me back into the sea of fish. Just another lonely fish in the big blue. “Talk to me, Justin.” I urged. He sighed, letting out a considerable amount of air. He looked up at me, all rage lost from those beautiful green eyes. I found a new emotion coating them. It was pain, something I recognized from having seen in my own eyes. When I first told him and he walked out of my front door, slamming it shut hard. I had cried. The small, oval mirror in my blue bathroom revealed the puffiness in them. A closer look would reveal immense pain and loss stumbling in my brown eyes. I reached over the table to put my hand delicately over his. His hand was warm like it had always been. He didn’t move to reject my gesture, but he didn’t squeeze my hand for reassurance either. I closed my eyes, to wishing this moment would disappear and I thought about the years Justin and I had spent together. I thought of the trust we had gained from each other. Now, it seemed all fake and that made my eyes misty. I blinked a few times, willing myself to not cry. I had always been the type of person to be strong and to look the part even if I didn’t necessarily feel it. Right now, I don’t even think I was looking the part. “Tell me everything will be alright, Justin. Tell me we will walk out of here and continue our lives together.” I whispered across the table. He snatched his hand away and shook his hand wildly. He rose to his feet. “I’m in college, Rose! I’m not dropping out for you. I’m not dropping out so we can go around playing house!” He shouted. People in the café turned to watch us. My cheeks grew pink, but the anger I felt outweighed my embarrassment. “I’m in college too, Justin! I don’t want to give that up either, but I love you! And I thought you loved me too…” This time I didn’t blink, I just let the first few tears stroll slowly down my cheeks. Justin never liked seeing me cry. He said it made him hurt on the inside too. He swiftly sat back down and rubbed his eyes. He wasn’t sleeping enough, I could tell. I had to admit, I wasn’t sleeping much either these days. “I’m sorry, Rose.” He said. A spark of hope began surfacing in my fragile heart. “Are you going to stay?” I breathed. He sat still for a moment as if he were thinking. I waited for him to respond, feeling the anxiety lying heavy on me. Finally, he leaned in and said, ​“Stay strong, Rose. I know you will be okay. Stay in college and become the woman you’ve always wanted to be…” He started to rise from his seat and I found myself standing too. “Without me.” He finished. My mouth hung open and I felt a shatter in my chest that took my breath away. Tears started to form at my waterline and spill simultaneously as if this moment had been rehearsed. Justin came around to my side of the table. He cupped my face in his strong hands and kissed my tears. Then he bent down to whisper in my ear, “Don’t cry, please.” He then stood back to look at me one more time. He kissed my forehead before turning and walking away. I gaped at him, unaware of what was really happening, not believing that this was the end. He never turned back as he opened the door and the bell chimed. I stood frozen as I watched him cross the street to get to his car. Rain started coming down hard, but he seemed to take no notice of it. His t-shirt was soaked in seconds. He unlocked his truck, jumped in, and slowly pulled away. He was gone before I could register it.