Out Of The Flames I flicked the lighter on, off, on, off; the glow of the flame illuminating my face in the darkness of the attic. I wanted to set everything alight, see fire ripple and burn through every single thing, turning my #life to ashes. I wanted clouds of smoke to fill my lungs, to suffocate and choke and drift its way through everything. I wanted orange and red tongues, flicking and licking their way over skin, burning and charring bones, to envelope me, consume me, to overwhelm everything and everyone. I wanted to feel fire in my blood, running through my veins, see it glow under my skin and surround my beating heart. I wanted to destroy and conquer, to fall and be defeated; I wanted to live and breathe danger, chance and possibility. I wanted to burn and burn and burn with no consequences, without regret. I wanted my eyes to reflect dancing flames, to cry ashes and my lungs to billow smoke. I wanted to live without dying and die without living. I wanted pain and pleasure and hurt and pride. I wanted to do it. I flicked the lighter up again and the blue flame grew into burning fire as I watched the pillow smoulder. It spread to the rug and the curtains and the mattress. It burnt holes inn the wooden support beams and made the floor glow. I walked through fire and smoke and pain to the attic stairs. I lifted the latch, opened the door and climbed down, taking in, one last time, the devastation, the brilliance. I squeezed the lighter tightly in my hands. Tears from the smoke ran down my cheeks and my coughs were so strong, they made my whole body shake. I lowered the door, closing out the fire and burning #life. The landing was tranquil, no sound or movement, only the acrid smell of smoke twisting through the hallways, floating through walls and ceilings and doors. I was alive. My heart still pumped in my chest. But I was dead inside except for the compelling flames raging within, just fighting to get out, to be free. They were getting more and more powerful, claiming more and more of me with every dangerous step I took. I was only a matter of steps away from letting the flames rule me, command my every movement, decide my every action, every word. Until they let me wander and spread and grow as quickly and impenetrably as the fire itself. I stood as the house melted and crumbled around me, reduced to ashes scattered beneath my feet. I kicked the remains of my #life away, memories and experiences blowing in the wind. It felt like I was being reborn out of the fire, the flames and the ash, I rose again.