I Am Making Policy I AM MAKING POLICY It is framed by the evolving landscape that we find ourselves in today, I have been using a blue-sky-thinking-group To helicopter above day-to-day issues And perform a radical re-boot. I AM MAKING POLICY, It’s about quantitative easing, It’s about sustainable growth in childhood obesity, Using industry-led initiatives funded by the taxpayer, Voluntary regulation, And feed-in tariffs. I AM MAKING POLICY, It’s about using green incentives To reduce teenage pregnancy, It’s about ring-fencing moral values Using riot police, I have produced a road map to deliver transition: I have a plan for every family to drive down the information superhighway, With all the windows blacked out. The piggybank is empty, But I AM MAKING POLICY: It’s about rebalancing the economy; It’s about flexible dynamic optimisation of resource allocation; It’s about finding pennies down the back of your sofa, And reallocating them, By removing your sofa. I have a plan for the progression to a low carbon economy, By writing ‘low carbon’, In front of ‘economy’. I AM MAKING POLICY, It’s about jump-starting recovery Using a defibrillator powered by cheap clean renewable energy, It’s about stimulating the local economy By talking dirty with economists, And creating free enterprise zones, So called because they cost nothing, And you have to be enterprising To get out of them. I AM MAKING POLICY, It’s about societal standards, It’s all about respect, It’s far better than their policy; They who are no more than feckless animals, Wallowing in their own ordure, They who would throw us all to the wolves should they have their way. I AM MAKING POLICY, We are moving forward, It’s about us all progressing up the skills escalator together, Whilst standing on the right to allow others to pass. I AM MAKING POLICY, It’s about inclusivity, It’s about consulting with the foremost experts And then ignoring them, It’s about running as fast as you can down a tunnel with your hands over your ears, For a minimum 16 week period (As prescribed by best practice guidance). I AM MAKING POLICY, I have a rough skeletal model of where I see the various synergetic nodes, It’s all about transparency, I’ve been told that I’m too honest, By people that don’t know the truth. I have been working late at night; It’s about dining with newspaper executives, It’s about potentially harmful information that it is not in the public interest to disclose, It’s about safeguarding the country’s interests, our interests, my interests. It’s about me sleeping with my wife’s sister And claiming stays at the Ritz on expenses. I AM MAKING POLICY, It’s about decentralisation… …of targets, It’s about transferring responsibility whilst retaining power, It’s about keeping voters on-side. I AM MAKING POLICY, It is coming to a smooth fruition: I am riding a seesaw robustly, Dressed as Widow Twanky, Wearing ear defenders. Are you still following me? I am making policy, It’s about you, It’s about what you can do, What’s written down here, And what isn’t.