Saturday is moving Day. Thursday, 18/10/12 Being left behind is an outstandingly difficult position to be in, especially if it's the last thing that either sides of a relationship planned or wanted. My astonishingly talented better half has been employed by a rather well known publishing firm for a matter of months now, and with all new jobs, comes his inevitable move closer towards his respective office. Since we graduated in July we both had (albeit naïve) expectations and ambitions as to how soon our prospective careers would begin. Whereas my partner's has exploded quite magnificently, mine has well, err.. failed to ignite, shall we say? Our current residence is a commuter town (which I grew up in) and since graduating we have lived here due to it's connections with the city. Our stay here has always 'meant' to be temporary until we could move closer to the city and we'd always planned to move together but there are so many things that make this probability an impossibility. My prospects are still extremely uncertain and the commute is killing my partner (a total of 5hrs a day commute.) Although I am glad he won't have to put himself through the 6am alarms and 8pm returns during the winter, I will miss him terribly. I feel so much about him moving away. A lot of pride because I have seen him achieve his ambition and dreams, A lot of guilt because I can't follow him on my own steam of achievements, and a lot of sadness because I can't be the person who he has all those 'first house/flat things of a working career' experiences. Perhaps it's selfishness that I 'expect' to share such intimate parts of his developing #life but I'd come to expect I'd be there from our unrealistic dreams of the future. I suppose it's hard letting things develop of their own accord and also accepting the speed in which the universe will take in getting one's #life moving. It is very hard to not berate myself and fall into the trap of negativity. Believing in yourself is a hard thing to do when your partner (whom up until graduation, shared equally in experiences) is doing so fantastically well. I do not resent his success, but more so resent my 'failures' (or so, how I perceive them) It prays much on my mind that I may never come into my own or be in a position to move and join my partner nearer the city. I know that a lot of this is caused by the difference of determination on our part. There is no doubt in my mind that my partner is where he is because he does not deserve it. He has worked hard, consistently, and defeated any obstacles that have come in his way. This is because he knew where he wanted to go and did it. I on the other hand have never had this kind of determination about anything. It is not that I am apathetic, lazy or boring. I just haven't found the right direction to apply my energy. This bother's me on a regular basis and is the constant source of many depressive whirlpools which (Christ only know's how) my partner is the only one to get me out of. As you can see, there are many issues surrounding the moving which are relatively unpleasant for both of us. I am scared that I will crumple being left to fend for myself up against the stresses I bring upon myself. I am also scared that my partner might (quite rightly) begin to view me as a great weight pulling him down. I know that these fears border into the irrational but these things sometimes have an unpleasant way of outing themselves (if they become true) when embarking upon a long distance relationship. I am a very nervous and cautious person as you can tell. I suppose, there are many reasons why being left behind is a difficult position to be in. Some big, some little but in essence all problems with no immediate resolution.