What Do You See, Obesity What do you see when you look at me? Do you see a fat slob who's counting the hours to her tea A fat slob who has to use crutches to walk Who you cant wait till my back is turned so you can talk Do you see my legs buckle under the strain Omg you whisper, look at the weight she has gained Do you see the waterfall of sweat pouring down my head You snicker bet she cant wait to be fed Look harder and you may realise There is a thin girl inside of me who quietly cries Doesn't anyone remember me before? Before lupus, fibro, CPRS and more I was a size 14 and at 6 foot tall I was not a stick insect but perfectly formed I had lost 120lbs in a year you see Did not want to die of morbid obesity 8 years and so many illnesses later I'm starting to look less sexy and more Mr Potato Now I'm bedridden and just getting fatter And the fat is all anyone sees so that's the end of the mstter February last I was in university When I collapsed, my legs giving out from under me I found that overnight I had lost the ability To stand upright for too long so losing my mobility The pain in my hip, back and side Keeps me awake at night as I cry Because I'm not the only one suffering here My darling teenage autistic sons have the responsibility of my care I have not cooked for them in so long No housework gets done, it's so wrong I'm their mother and I am just a burden I want to care for them, it's my job I'm their mum!!! My house is a shambles, cess pit I would say The smell is disgusting even the mice run away People have tried to help but I didnt even get to see The tidying that was done while I was in hospital poorly Noone seems to understand snd sometimes that includes me That trying to follow simple instructions for my sons is scary They just cannot handle lots of tasks So it's either caring for me or washing that glass Why can't the doctors open their mind and see That I do not want a #life ruled by morbid obesity I did not work so hard to lose 8.5stone Just to put it back on while being a piggy at home I also would not jeopardise university You know I call that place my sanctuary I need to be able to get better and lose weight So I can restart my studies in January after such a long wait Please please doctors can't you see This pain I have is very real I'm NOT crazy I do not have munchausens or hypochondria that I know you think I have With your condescending attitudes i have had to hack I have fought so hard to stay positive throughout this strife I think I must have been Stalin in a previous #life But this has zapped everything out of me So gone happiness, hello miss negativity I have never come as close to suicide as I did today I counted out my oxynorm into my hand because of something my son did say My #life is going to be shit cause I have to look after you And because of autism I wont be able to handle a job too My pain disappeared for a second or two And transferred into my heart, breaking it into two I know he was not being mean or cruel Just telling, his way, the truth; in our house - the number one rule Doctors are you really too blind to see? That I would not choose this #life purposely I want to stop this pain so I can lose weight Please please believe me and help me before it's too late !! Hi everyone Just venting some feelings as usual. Been bedridden since Feb and getting fatter and fatter because I am not mobile and because my sons are cooking and it's basically junk food because it's the easiest for them. Today when my 19'year old autistic son told me that he was crying last night because hes gonna have a shit #life cause his morals tell him he had to look after me. It broke my heart. My son has lost all his dreams because of me and my stupid broken body. And unforgiveably and shamefully put 20+ oxynorm in my hand and went to take them while breaking my heart crying but my son stopped me. I told him to let go and let me make his #life better for him but as you can he stopped me. But everything is still overwhelming me so I wrote this. Thank you for reading and whils constructive critisim regarding my #poem is always welcome but nasty comments regarding thd subject is not. As usual I am not a poet. Just a lost girl who turned to poetry when my mum suddenly passed away. Thank you again. ©originalkitten2015

Hope Is Hope I stare at the floor My gaze held, mesmemorized with hope That these grey tiles That symbolise how I feel Grey, unattractive, battered, old Used and depressing Here I am staring at this tile With as much might and strength a field of vision could possibly have in a non-ficticious world That that field of vision would somehow manage to make that single tile Change Into a glimmer of hope Instead of a mountain of despair I expect little but still I Stare A look of nothingness glazed on my face Yet in my mind was it's usual battle A battle of wits between chemicals Where chemical happy fights Chemical sad Where words are twisted and turned like a twisting turning thing Repeated over and over Things forgotten that turn up Like a long lost relative But insead of a happy reunion I am reminded why I long lost that relative somewhere in the darkest depths of my mind My laser beam stare still trying to raise hope from the dead has broken, unable to penetrate that tile Looking up a glimmer is there Size is unimportant as it is what it brings that matters LIGHT Light so bright the room fills Chemical bad melts away defeated away into the hidden depths Back buried deep fighting for freedom while chemical happy sits on its locked cage, legs crossed defiantly For now in the darkened despair No matter how little Hope is hope. I have hope! © originalkitten2015 Constructive critism welcome

63 In 3 Days 63 in 3 days That is what you would be 63 in 3 days If Cancer hadnt stole you from me 63 in 3 days If we had noticed it there 63 in 3 days But now your chair is bare 63 in 3 days A cake for you to eat 63 in 3 days Candles too, what a treat 63 in 3 days But theres no cake this year 63 in 3 days Just a broken heart and a face full of tears 63 in 3 days Yet i look older than you'd be 63 in 3 days Four years of grief you can plainly see 63 in 3 days You left when I most needed you 63 in 3 days I'm such a mess I don't know what to do 63 in 3 days I need you mum right now 63 in 3 days Make me better, show me how 63 in 3 days Wrap your wings around me Mum, 63 in 3 days Keep me safe and stop me feeling glum 63 in 3 days You shoukd be here, it's not fair 63 in 3 days I really fucking hate cancer. Happy Birthday mum I wish I could say im Coping but Im not But i do know I miss you So much Love you xox © originalkitten 2015

Hey Hey everyone Just to say hi. I'm back around for a bit. Missed you all. Have opened. Tumblr for my musings if anyone wants the url just ask. Hope you're all well Love Kitt

Just Pain I suffer from pain. Three different types of pain pain. Nine rounds of medication pain. Stronger than cancer pain pain. Any more pain. Lots and lots of pain. I say just pain. Just want to never move again pain Just fuck off and let me die pain Just consume me whole like you already have pain Just get stronger and stronger and worse and worse pain Just make me want to die pain Just make me want to cry pain Just make me want to never open my eyes pain Just want to be me again but won't let you pain Please let me be me, pain. Please? © originalkitten