Homewrecker You feel so wrong Fists tangled in my hair Then clasped around my throat It's wrong and I don't care God you feel so good The guilt is fading fast And god, it's just so good to know There's no way this can last But for tonight, you selfish boy I'll pretend that you are mine I'll pretend that there's no one else And everything is fine And I know I told you no at first And said we had to quit And yes I take that all back now I'm such a hypocrite But you're only young and stupid once I might as well enjoy it If you're tied down and still trying me Then yes I can submit * A short rhymey thing like I used to write I only want this boy because it feels so good to be bad. I told myself and him that I would stop but after some reflection I realized my mothers (Lana, Marina, and GaGa) would want this for me.

What Did You Expect I bet you taste like hair gel and a stiff drink You hit me like a damn stiff drink Knock me out flat But then how did you expect me to react To an older boy with a record player in his apartment and a black motorcycle outside A boy with a genuine laugh and soft eyes A boy with guitar string callouses on his fingers And thick rimmed glasses A boy who knows all the best indie rock All the best smoke spots And how to make the best cocktails with ease How did you expect me to respond To soft strokes down my back To your fingers in my hair To winks from across the room To your goddamn "how've you been, darlin's," at the start of every shift Every fucking shift How did you expect me to sit back And listen to you talk about your girlfriend Your Amanda Eight years older than me And four older than you Our ex coworker My old friend and your new lover I spend all this time with you in these close quarters You've met my boy I've met your girl So why do we still treat each other Like we could be each other's boy and girl instead You'll fuck with my head before you'll fuck with my body I know you well enough to know that But summer is coming, honey And so I stand at the podium and in the kitchen and behind the bar And I take your hair strokes and your winks and your jokes in stride Because summer is soon baby and two can play at this game *** May 4, 2015 I'd forgotten I wrote this, and now I've almost forgotten the boy it was for.

Two's Better Than One Everything was wonderful That first night when I kissed her In the glow of his lava lamp She tasted like alcopop and nervous energy That tingling, contagious energy That coiled me tight and still makes me shake Everything is new She's so soft, but he is far from gentle Taking handfuls of my hair, Making me gasp for air, And she's over me and I can not catch my breath All three of us squirm and sweat In the red-yellow glow of the lava lamp Everything is wonderful The box of toys And the slew of tricks up his sleeve Everything is new But I am not afraid I've never felt quite like this 2/15/16 About 2/7/16

One About Daniel Love and sex are not mutually exclusive I tell myself that but I'm two more drinks in Before I really believe it I turn down a date but still invite him over For a casual smoke sesh And an even more casual fuck We roll around in the afternoon light And into the night Strangers High as heaven It doesn't matter that he's lame Or that he's dumb Or that I barely know him Nothing really matters because he has a huge cock And in a month's time I know I'll never see him again And when I'm high as a kite, naked in the sunlight, so comfortable with someone so unknown It makes me forget the boy I walked away from And so I kiss this stranger until the sun goes down Until he has to go Because daddy's plane just landed and he'll be home soon Daniel asks why that matters, and I know he wants to stay But my father doesn't know his baby girl's a whore And it crashes down on me The realization I'll never be what anyone really wants me to be Not my parents, not these boys, and certainly not myself Not because of the sex Just because of everything So I smoke some more and call my old friends My buddy tells me it's a good thing Because heartbreak is a gnawing pain that only sex can wash out At least for him, he says And for me too And so I keep calling Daniel over And we smoke, and we fuck, and we sit in silence and watch movies neither of us like And I tell myself it's okay Because he's older, and taller, and a different kind of handsome A different kind of everything And I walked away from the first boy because I wanted something different, right? Right? And the tears keep coming so I drink and smoke and fuck them away until I can't feel anything Now I'm here at the end of the semester, at the end of the year Feeling nothing

Grown It doesn't matter how many bottles I swallow It doesn't matter how many bowls I smoke How many meals I skip How many days go by while I lie idle in bed Binging mind numbingly stupid television programs To fill the hours To fill the void I've learned to be miserable Learned to spend the days crying and sleeping And touching myself thinking of all the boys and girls I left It's not like I can blame anyone for this It's part of getting older Part of growing up And I've outgrown the fits of anger I've outgrown the self harm I've outgrown looking for someone to blame for any of this And I could talk all day about my shitty parents But who really gives a rat's ass about my sob story I've outgrown looking for someone to give me sympathy People talk a lot about growing up Like it's this exciting wonderful journey Well I'm here to say that's bullshit No one talks about the things that come with starting over No one talks about the people they lose No one talks about how you'll ache for your old town No matter how much you swore you hated it And it's taken me eight weeks in this new shitty town to write all these things down Eight weeks of getting stoned alone Sleeping alone Crying alone Being so completely alone, alone, alone ** 7/29/15